Hidden away in the lanes and narrow streets of the Royal Mile in Edinburgh, a solitary figure tends her stall, always keeping a watchful eye on the passing tourists. From the stall she sells her home made tribute videos and unofficial, tacky paintings of subo.
Subject of an ASBO, Professor Patula de Fiart had sneaked into Scotland by bumming passage on a Liberian oil tanker. The prof wiled away her journey to Scotland watching episodes of "Monarch of the Glen" over and over again to perfect her authentic Scottish accent.
Safely installed in Edinburgh, she know finds that the locals cannot understand her and it is only passing American tourists who appear to know what she is saying.
Interpol has alerted the Lothian and Borders police as to the presence in Scotland of this dangerous criminal and the police are hot on her heels. Inspector Rebus, no less, is head of the "Find de Fiart" section and gave this warning,
"We will search out and find any bampot subo fanatic. Susan is a national treasure to Scotland, on a par with "Oor Wullie" and "The Broons". My officers will search any dosshouse or low life area and no cowpat will be left unturned in our search"
The weary Patula, lost and struggling, was last seen stuffing herself with a "Pot Noodle" provided by a passing tramp.