As the growing season approaches in the Northern Hemisphere, horticulturists, market gardeners and gardeners in general have been given early warning of a phenomenon that strikes any red flower or vegetable. This warning has become necessary as growers from South America, Australasis and Africa have experienced the IDAD2009 virus, now known as suboblight or "those bloody women are stealing all our red stuff".
Significantly, growers in Spain and Italy became alarmed after the appearances of Susan Boyle in those countries. In the south, red tomatoes were plundered by the thousands and any red bulb or plant snatched by middle aged women. This predisposition to red is not confined to the garden as any red clothes hung out to dry are being stolen.
Warnings have been issued in the Mediterranean countries that people should be observant and report any sightings of middle aged women, wearing red scarves and weighed down by lapel badges to the police immediately.
In a sinister turn of events, the Identired app for the iPhone has been released free of charge. This app allows anyone to identify any flower, plant or vegetable that is or will be at least 75% red. So far a record 200 million downlaods have been recorded worldwide. Police and plant growers everywhere are being encouraged to invest in redalyser meters which scan hands for traces of red found only in plants.
In the Netherlands. tulip growers are hiring security guards to patrol their fields. The Keukenhof Gardens near Lisse, the Netherlands are under 24 hour surveillance as managers there fear the theft and destruction of their millions of red tulips in the coming months.
In Manchester and Liverpool, England, housewives are on constant alert as thousands of newly washed red scarves have disappeared. In Canada the Olympic Red Mitten has been designated a protective species and export of theses has been halted.
The final destination of the "red booty" is as yet unknown.
