Written by Abel Rodriguez

Thursday, 4 March 2010

LAKE TAHOE, Nevada - Mariah Carey had just performed at Lake Tahoe's Queen of Spades Club before a private audience made up of members of The San Francisco Giants baseball team.

Last year Carey was voted as The Woman We Would Most Like To Have Touch Our Baseballs by the entire Giant's team including a gay infielder who shall go nameless.

Carey who has a four-octave range performed all of her old hits and some of her newer songs such as "I'll Spread 'Em For Ya In A New York Minute, Whatcha Say?" and "You Can Look At Da Puppies, But Dontcha Be Touchin' 'Em Hear?"

Mariah's husband, the lucky as sh*t (shit) Nick Cannon, sat right in front and was just brimming with pride as he watched his fabulously well-endowed bosomy wife strut her fine-lookin' stuff all over the stage floor.

Nick was asked about the fact that in the past month or so his wife had kind of, sort of, packed on the poundage.

Cannon smiled and said that Mariah has a food fetish and as a result she has to eat two breakfasts, two lunches, and two dinners, along with two snacks in between.

He pointed out that if she does not eat four times what a normal woman of her age, height, weight, and bra size eats, Mariah will develop an infection in her groin region which will musically prevent her from hitting the very high notes.

Mariah was asked if she feels okay knowing that she may be starting to give Kirstie Alley, Wynonna Judd, and Kathleen Turner some competition in the fat category.

Carey smiled, took a sip of her champagne bottle, and asked, "So shell me ag'in, what da eff disha shay?"

Nick grabbed the bottle out of her hand. Mariah asked him to give it back. He refused. Mariah reached down and grabbed Nick by his crotch.

Nick's voice went up two full octaves. Carey told Nick to give her back her "CB" or she would turn him into Nicolette faster than Sherri Shepherd can pick up a dropped collared green.

Nick relented and that is why little old Mariah keeps on getting bigger and bigger all the live long day.

In other news. The Arizona Senate has voted to rename the Grand Canyon in order to increase the number of visitors and tourists to the natural wonder. The new name effective immediately will be The Gosh Damn Grand Canyon.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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