Kate Gosselin SINGS! New Gosselin Album Hits the Bargain Bins!

Funny story written by jewel64

Thursday, 16 September 2010

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Kate Gosselin's New CD is now on SALE!

First Paris Hilton. Then Heidi Montag. Now Kate Gosselin is the latest Reality TV star to produce a record album. Her new CD, titled "Mate With Kate" is designed to bring romance into the lives of couples who desire to start a family.

"The music is very sensuous, slow and romantic," Kate explains to Puttock Tang of Entertainment Nightly News. "Much like the mode of Barry White or Doris Day. I do a lot of heavy breathing and talking when I sing. That helps to keep my voice on key and prevents pitchiness. My record producer said he only had to use Auto-Tune about 80% of the time, so 20% is me actually singing!"

Kate adds, "My agent has been negotiating with Ryan Murphy, Creator of 'Glee.' Would you believe they're considering a Kate Gosselin episode for Season 2? First Madonna, then Lady Gaga, then Britney and now me!"

Rumor has it the cast members of "Glee" are horrified at the prospect of Kate Gosselin guest-starring on the popular series, going so far as to organize a strike should the wannabe-celebrity Mother of 8 get cast in an upcoming episode. One cast member was quoted as saying, "I'd rather eat my own caca doodoo than have Kate Gosselin on the show."

Kate blissfully opines, "I did such a fantastic job with the Glee Kids on the PrimeTime Emmys that Jimmy Kimmel thought an episode on 'Glee' would be a natural progression in my acting career. I mean, the ratings went through the roof! I belonged up there, singing and dancing. Besides, I didn't get my body in surgery,--um, I mean, in shape for nothing!"

When asked what songs are included on her album, the mother of 8 graciously supplied us with an eclectic list:

1) The Fame
2) Kate and Her Horns
3) I Want Some Plastic Surgery For Christmas
4) Katie Dear
5) I'm A Fake
6) Katie Cruel
7) Can't Stand Me Now
8) I Believe I Can Fly (and Dance...and Act...and Sing)
9) Why Don't You Love Me
10) Plastic Surgery Slumber Party
11) K-K-K-Katieeeee, Beautiful Katie
12) Disease of Conceit
13) Selfish Song
14) Me, Myself and I
15) Acid Tongue
16) C'est Moi

As a "Thank You" to all her fans, Kate has included four bonus tracks dedicated to the father of her 8 children:
17) Big Bad Jon
18) Jonny, Are You Queer?
19) Jon The Gun (Kate says she wanted to change the title and lyrics to 'Jon The Tool' but the song's writer refused her request.)
20) Jonny Came Home Headless (Once gain Kate wanted to change the song title and lyrics to "Jonny Came Home D*ckless", but her request was denied.)

Kate says she will do a promo and album signing tour, visiting various discount stores across Pennsylvania. For a schedule of her album signings, please visit www.katesucksatsinging.com.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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