11 Computers Stolen From Local H&R Block; Police Estimate Value at $12.50.

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Thursday, 16 September 2010


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"Sarge, there seems to be some vanilla frosting on the handlebar. I'll just taste it... um, it tastes like salty bleach."

A local man and woman has been arrested and several stolen items seized following the burglary of an H&R Block on Broad Street, here.

Police estimate the value of the stolen computers at less than $13.00.

"There were two Altairs stolen," said Police Chief Walker Texasranger, "An Apple IIa, with a cassette drive, and a IBM 8086 running DOS 2.0. We initially thought they robbed an antique store, or some sort of an electronics museum. This sh-t is really old."

Police say that, while on patrol by Broad and West Front streets, an officer reportedly noticed a man and a woman cycling past with several large objects.

The woman, identified as Nicole Lambropopadpoplous, who is quite fetching, was stopped but the man apparently cycled behind a building and avoided arrest.

Police said Lambropopadpoplous was holding a computer that the officer realized was from H&R Block and still had an old, cloth wrapped copper power cord attached. Also affixed to the computer was a "I Like Ike" campaign button and a Captain Midnight secret-decoder ring from a box of Maypo cereal.

A check at the H&R Block on Broads Street revealed several computers were missing and a front window broken, according to police.

A bicycle, burglary tools and other stolen items were also reportedly found around the area after further investigation.

Police said Lambropopadpoplous denied claims of burglary and said she had acted alone. "I thought these were trash! And isn't that building abandoned? There hasn't been anyone in their since mid-April. What, is H&R Block closedeight months out of the year? How do they make any money?"

WHAT IS AN 8086??

the 8086 is a 16-bit microprocessor chip designed by Intel, which gave rise to the x86 architecture; development work on the 8086 design started in the spring of 1976 and the chip was introduced to the market in the summer of 1978. The Intel 8088, released in 1979, was a slightly modified chip with an... Oh, forget it. It's really old.

Despite Lambropopadpoplous' claims, a bicycle found near the scene was used by her accomplice, and the bike provided DNA evidence, according to the police report. When asked for comment, the Chief said, "Um... DNA evidence? What, did they guy blow a load on his handlebars? Why the f--k are we wasting resources on a robbery at an H&R Block for? Aren't they out of business?"

When asked for a comment, the H&R Block district manager stated that, while the computers stolen were used by tax professionals that year, it does not appear that anyone's personal information was compromised.

"First of all, those computers are state-of-the-art," explained the district manager, who until recently was the office's maintenance man. "Next year, the company promised us that we were going to be using some program called 'Windows', which should be great. Because, you know, our tax preparation software is DOS-based. Seriously, it is. And no one in the corporate office can figure out why we can't beat Jackson Hewitt."

"Secondly, in order to use the computers, you need a password. So unless you type in 'TurboTaxiSBEtter', no one can access the information," the district manager concluded, while using a lot of jargony phrases like 'at the end of the day' and 'where the rubber meets the road'.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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