LONDON, England - Animal rights protesters were outside Lock & Co. Hatters in London Tuesday in force with plans to pelt anyone with fake pigs' blood who exiting the store wearing a pork pie hat. The Pope, visiting London, was not aware of the protest and was immediately attacked when he came out of the store wearing a black wool pork pie hat and carrying a hat box with a straw pork pie hat that he'd also purchased to don in the summer months.
Said one protester, "Regardless of the fact that the pork pie hat has little, if anything, to do with flesh, we still believe that until they remove the name pork pie from the description of the hat, they have a long way to go in convincing us that someone, somewhere isn't associating a pork pie hat with an ordinary pork pie."
Those close to the Pope say that all this could have been avoided had the Pope gone about his merry way after spying a Londoner outside a local pub sporting the famous style of hat. "He asked us to stop the Popemobile so that he could get out and ask the gentleman if he liked wearing the pork pie hat. The gentleman in the hat, who would only give his name as Skoob, told the Pope that at first it was difficult to get used to the fact that he looked like Buster Keaton in the hat, but after wearing it several times while out and about, he'd gotten many compliments and now wears it everywhere he goes. He told the Pope that the hat has enabled him to make friends all over the globe."
This is just what the Pope was hoping for, a conversation piece that would help save his reputation in light of all the negative press he and his church had been getting lately. Pope Benedict thanked Skoob for his input, finished his ale, and got back into the Popemobile, ordering his driver to proceed directly to Lock & Co. Hatters where he purchased two pork pie hats, one in straw for the summer months, and one in black wool for the winter months, which he wore out of the haberdashery.
Upon exiting the store, before anyone could stop them, the protesters splattered fake blood all over Benedict's white simar giving the whole scene a very surreal look. When the protesters were asked why they threw fake blood on the Pope instead of eggs, the leader of the group responded, "Who eggs Benedict?"