Obama: "Don't Ask Don't Tell" To Be Replaced With "Don't Care, Thanks for Risking Your Life to Defend Our Country, Now Go Kill!"

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Thursday, 16 September 2010

image for Obama: "Don't Ask Don't Tell" To Be Replaced With "Don't Care, Thanks for Risking Your Life to Defend Our Country, Now Go Kill!"
" Homos, Attack!! "

President Obama has announced that the abso-f--king-lutely ludicrous "Don't Ask Don't Tell" provision of 10 U.S.C. § 654 et. seq. will be replaced, effective immediately.

"What the f--k does anyone care if you love the c-ck, as long as you love your country as well," Obama explained, likening the mealy-mouthed, pussified language of 'Don't Ask Don't Tell' to 'Separate But Equal', as a half-assed, quasi-liberal, quasi-enlightened attempt to assuage the people oppressed by public policy without alienating the bigoted a--holes who vote in great numbers. "Effective at noon on Saturday, in conjunction with Macy's fantasic One-Day-Sale, 'Don't Ask Don't Tell' will be replaced with 'Don't Care, Thanks for Serving, Go Kill!' "

The legislation reads in pertinent part:

(a) Findings.- Congress makes the following findings:

(1) Section 8 of article I of the Constitution of the United States commits exclusively to the Congress the powers to raise and support armies, provide and maintain a Navy, and make rules for the government and regulation of the land and naval forces.

(2) The primary purpose of the armed forces is to prepare for and to prevail in combat should the need arise.

(3) There is nothing inherent with a homosexual male Serviceman's overwhelming desire to eat a knob that would render him incapable of conducting a military operation requiring members of the armed forces to make extraordinary sacrifices, including the ultimate sacrifice, in order to provide for the common defense.

(4) Success in combat requires military units that are characterized by high morale, good order and discipline, and unit cohesion.

(5) Gay men wrote the f--king book on high morale, good order and discipline, and unit cohesion.

(6) One of the most critical elements in combat capability is unit cohesion, that is, the bonds of trust among individual service members that make the combat effectiveness of a military unit greater than the sum of the combat effectiveness of the individual unit members.

(7) If you don't trust the soldier next to you --hoping to God, just as you are, that the next bullet fired from an enemy rifle doesn't kill either one of you-- because he or she is gay, you are the one with the f--king problem.

(8) Military life is fundamentally different from civilian life in that-

(A) the extraordinary responsibilities of the armed forces, the unique conditions of military service, and the critical role of unit cohesion, require that the military community, while subject to civilian control, exist as a specialized society; and

(B) the military society is characterized by its own laws, rules, customs, and traditions, including numerous restrictions on personal behavior, that would not be acceptable in civilian society.

(C) None of that is impacted one bit by a person's Race, Color, Religion, National origin, Age, Gender, Familial status, Gender identity, or whether or not you like balls on your chin.

(9) The standards of conduct for members of the armed forces regulate a member's life for 24 hours each day beginning at the moment the member enters military status and not ending until that person is discharged or otherwise separated from the armed forces.

(10) Those standards of conduct, including the Uniform Code of Military Justice, apply to a member of the armed forces at all times that the member has a military status, whether the member is on base or off base, and whether the member is on duty or off duty.

(11) The pervasive application of the standards of conduct
is necessary because members of the armed forces must be ready at all times for worldwide deployment to a combat environment.

Major Alan Rogers's life was as complex as it was inspiring - he was adopted at 5 years old, an intelligence officer in the Army, an ordained Baptist minister, African American, and gay.

As one of only 25 officers sent to Georgetown University in 2004 to earn a master's degree in public policy, Maj. Rogers analyzed "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" for his thesis. He concluded that repeal "would yield higher readiness rates, save potential millions of dollars in investigations and discharge processing of gays and improve our overall national security posture."

He also had to protect his 20 years of service by making personal sacrifices, including sacrificing the ability to settle down with a partner while he was still enlisted. This was one of Alan's goals when he retired, which he planned to do after returning from Iraq.

He never had the chance.

See We All Owe Maj Alan Rogers More Than A Bullsh-t Apology For Years Of Don't Ask Don't Tell

(12) The worldwide deployment of United States military forces, the international responsibilities of the United States, and the potential for involvement of the armed forces in actual combat routinely make it necessary for members of the armed forces involuntarily to accept living conditions and working conditions that are often spartan, primitive, and characterized by forced intimacy with little or no privacy.

(12b) Again, completely unaffected whether you think jizz is a delicious treat or not.

(13) The prohibition against homosexual conduct is a longstanding element of military law that continues to be arcane, senseless, and steeped in the same bigoted traditions that made it OK for bus driver James Blake to tell Rosa Parks, "Y'all better make it light on yourself and let me have that seat."

(14) The armed forces must maintain personnel policies that exclude persons whose presence in the armed forces would create an unacceptable risk to the armed forces' high standards of morale, good order and discipline, and unit cohesion that are the essence of military capability.

(14b) What the f--k could sexual orientation have to do with that?

(15)* It is our conclusion that Congress is duty-bound to restate it's position regarding gays in the military, which is as follows:

(16) If you can ably serve our country, and are willing to sacrifice your life to protect our freedoms, we don't care if you get off shoving Cheese Doodles up your ass; you are a hero, and we thank you for helping protect the United States of America.

* The actual text of 10 U.S.C. § 654 (a)(15) reads, "The presence in the armed forces of persons who demonstrate a propensity or intent to engage in homosexual acts would create an unacceptable risk to the high standards of morale, good order and discipline, and unit cohesion that are the essence of military capability."

What the f--k?

There is an estimated 65,000 gay and lesbian soldiers in the US Armed Forces. Do you feel less-safe now?

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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