Isle of Wight News - Newby, Isle of Wight, to get new ferry
Newby - Isle of Wight - Residents of Newby were today told that the Isle of Wight is soon to get a new ferry to take Newby residents to the Mainland. Town councillor Bob Syor Unkl (an immigrant for Sweden) told residents that they must keep up with the times and get a ferry with an engine, like everyone else on the Isle. Ferryman, Will Ge Tyoothar (Korean/Canadian immigrant) is said to be c...
Read full storyThe Spoof Hotel Guide
HOTEL: The Riviera Location: SANDOWN ISLE OF WIGHT AA RATING: 1 STAR THE SPOOF RATING: 5 STAR GUIDE WRITER: ARMFEETANDTOE I arrived at the hotel and knocked at the door. A man stuck his head out of the window and asked what I wanted. I said I've come to stay here and he said, ok, stay there, and shut the window. Twenty minutes later, the front do...
Read full storyPaul the psychic octopus is NOT dead
Reports have been published on the recent demise of Paul the psychic octopus. Don't panic 'Paul lovers' , the writer was mislead and will be embarrassed to hear that he has indeed 'been had'. The octopus that died with its tentacles tied in knots...
Read full storyNick Robinson in Ashley Cole love triangle mystery
Sharp eyed reporter Nick Robinson has shrugged off reports that he is comforting media star Cheryl Cole in her recovery from malaria. Flicking an ant away that had descended to within 5 metres of Mr Robinson's aunt, who was in turn 10 metres away...
Read full storyNHS opens Heatwave Helpline
During this evening's BBC Weather report, the whole nation breathed a sigh of relief to see that the good old NHS are providing a special helpline to give advice in relation to this weekend's expected heatwave. Temperatures are expected to reach 3...
Read full storyTick Tock Tick Tock
With only one more night to endure before his fate may or may not be decided, Seaton Carew nervously led in his bed attempting sleep. It may be tomorrow, it may be in three weeks, but the answer must surely come soon. There was a close shave two days ago when there was a knock at the door and Carew, 41 at the end of the month, was forced to flee and hide behind his kitchen cupboards but he m...
Read full storyRush Limbaugh Says The Only Reason President Obama Is President and Oprah Winfrey Is Successful is Because They Are Both Black
GREEN BAY, Wisconsin - GOP mouthpiece and political raconteur Rush Limbaugh was in town to address the yearly conference of The Wisconsin Gorgonzola Cheese Merchants. Afterwards, Limbaugh was asked why it is that President Obama and Oprah Winfrey...
Read full story'Birds and Bees' replaced by 'Bees and Banks'
Dating website S-Harmony claims "pairings are predetermined using a system of basic quantitative signals" - whatever that means. Scientists, however, take a more prosaic view claiming men simply want looks and women want money or as anthropologist...
Read full storyBeware of Fake Psychic Octopus Predictions Offered on eBay
The success of the German Octopus named Paul has spawned some fakes that internet users need to be aware of. There is only one real psychic octopus who resides in an aquarium in Oberhausen and his only claim to fame so far is picking World Cup winner...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Doesn't Deny That She Is Pregnant
Not again? Maybe not, but this time it is sounding more truthful and it's being buzzed about more than ever. The latest buzz out of Hollywood, besides the condition of Cheryl Cole, is that once again it is thought that Miley Cyrus is pregnant.
Read full storyAl Gore Headed To Jail?
After the news hit the tabloids, then newspapers and now even in the Washington DC newspapers, it seems that former Vice President Al Gore just could be headed for jail. Most were more shocked over his split with his wife of 40 years, Tipper, that...
Read full storyMexico's Drug Cartels Have Reportedly Put Out A Hit On Mel "Open Mouth - Insert Foot" Gibson
TIJUANA, Mexico - Well it appears that the Australian lad, Mel Gibson, has finally gone and stepped smack dab in a great big old pile of Aberdeen Angus cowshit. It is one thing to call his girlfriend names, to racially slur a L.A. Jewish Police Of...
Read full storyTiger Woods In Piss Poor Mood Before British Open
Answering questions with short one-word answers Tuesday, Tiger Woods would not answer any personal questions about his life or only used a flat statement. Woods had just finished tied for 24th at a charity golf tournament in Ireland, but instead o...
Read full storyObama Likes Sutygin for Chapman Trade
President Obama's first trade of his presidency looks like it will cement his place in history books as a "change instigator." "It looks like Obama is going to trade Anna Chapman and the rest of the arrested Russian spies for Igor Sutygin. He thi...
Read full storyMoat "Arrest" And The Case Of Mistaken Identity
Jubilant police chiefs in Northumberland heaved a huge sigh of relief today following the capture of fugitive killer Raoul Moat. However, the scenes of jubilation were short lived. In an embarrassing U turn, Northumbria police bosses were force...
Read full storyGore Sues Masseuse For Violating Sacred Swadhisthana Chakra Pact
Al Gore is fighting back. Stung by having a highly-paid masseuse tell the world that he was acting like a sex-crazed poodle for demanding that she "relieve his 2nd chakra," Gore is suing the 54 year old therapist for violating a sacred Swadhisthana...
Read full storyKylie outrage at brother's birth!
Daniel Synagogue, famous ugly sister of Kylie, today gave birth to a bouncing baby boy during an X Factor audition. Simon Cowell felt that the bounce wasn't as impressive as Susan Boil's audition, whilst Pierced Organ felt it. Commenting on the n...
Read full storyNew college course: Becoming a real man
A new two year degree is being offered at Life University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming a real man - That's right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man. Please take a moment to look over the program outline. First Year Autumn Schedule: MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS - Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 W...
Read full storyPrescott Now Showing His Colours
Retired boxer John Prescott has taken up his seat in the House of Lords, becoming Baron Prescott of Kingston-Upon-Thames. Lord Prescott, deputy to Joe Frazier for 10 years, was watched by his wife Pauline, without whom his popular affair wouldn't...
Read full storyBlack holes fart!
Black holes in outer galaxies have been observed releasing ginormous amounts of fiery gases and scientists at the end of gigantic telescopes are convinced they are "farting"! Adding a human touch to outer galactic happenings seems a logical manner...
Read full storyOccult ramifications of Asteroid Roma eclipse
London - (Snake-in-the-Grass News): Hellfire Club grandees are hotfooting it to the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain tonight. Thursday's 21.57BST eclipse of the brightest star in the Ophihchus constellation 'could be really bad shit,' however, for...
Read full storyRaoul Moat threatens Countdown Team in Name Change Controversy
In a shock development today, timed to occur just as the BBC came on air for dramatic effect and preventing the disposal of a 'Breaking News' sign, popular crazed gunman Tom O'Laura threatened to wipe out the cast of well known TV show Countdown.
Read full storyNew Tour De France Scandal
Disturbing news today from the Tour De france implicates Stage 5 winner Mark Cavendish. After winning the stage in a superb sprint finish, he was unable to provide a sample to the World Anti Doping Agency for testing. Closer inspection revealed th...
Read full storyGovernment Taking the Piss over Pension Reforms
The government are currently assessing proposals to how State Pensions are calculated, with plans to move away from the age-assessment which has been in place since everything was in black and white and before the smile was invented. Working from...
Read full storySNOT The new Legal High!
Health officials were warning today, that new legal high, SNOT, is dangerous and should not be swallowed. Dr. Snivel, from the General Medical council said; "SNOT should not be sniffed at. The nose swells, the throat becomes dry and constant snee...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Road Closed Due to Abandoned Boot
Newport police spokeswoman Amber Alert has announced that the road between Whippingham and Ryde has been closed due to the discovery of a men's work boot on the tarmac near Binstead. The boot is a tan leather full lace-up possibly with a steel toe estimated to be size 10. Alert says "the roadway was closed immediately upon receiving report of the boot and barricades put up". A door-to-door s...
Read full storyVegas Flooded with Leftover America's Got Talent Contestants Who Can't Pay for Trip Back Home
Bad news for America's Got Talent contestants who find themselves in Vegas with no chance of going on to Hollywood and no chance of getting a plane ticket home either-America's Got Talent overshot its' budget and can't pay for return tickets. "I...
Read full storyKim Kardishian on why she's dating Cristiano Ronaldo
Los Angeles California- Although she tried to play coy and claim she is single, Kim Kardishian admitted to Dr.Phil she might have found a new beau. "Does he make you happy Kim", the ever so curious doctor questioned. "Yes very much so. I love h...
Read full storyAnimal rights activists demand Paul, the World Cup-predicting octopus, be set free
It had to happen eventually. Animal rights protesters are demanding that Paul be set free and allowed to live as a normal octopus. These people must all be German supporters, angry at Paul for correctly predicting that Germany would lose and ther...
Read full storySpy swap: Anna for Soviet oil
Secret talks between the CIA and Russia's intelligence service OGPU are close to a successful conclusion. The final deal is likely to be an exchange of Anna Chapman for enough Russian oil to replace that lost in the BP Gulf disaster. The Russia...
Read full storyTesco Fire Self Service Checkout Fiasco
A mystery fire has destroyed a Tesco store in Hampshire with 10 customers and 15 staff members still missing. Most of the store was promptly evacuated, whilst those in the self-service section were struggling to complete their purchases. Eyewit...
Read full storyReport from Taiwan dentists - chowing down on large burgers can damage your jaw
Taiwanese dentists have urged fast food chains to drop over-sized burgers from their menus following a growing number of jaw injury cases. Apparently the human jaw is only meant to handle objects up to one and a half inches thick. Personally,...
Read full storyNational Curriculum to include 'Pole-Dancing'
The Government has today announced important changes to the National Curriculum, with regards to schools in England and Wales. Perhaps the most startling revelation is that 'pole-dancing' and 'lap-dancing' are to be incorporated within the curricu...
Read full storyFriends Of Cheryl Cole Don't Appreciate Jedward Joking About Potentially Fatal Disease
Even their best fans are asking that Edward Grimes apologize to Cheryl Cole and her family over still another awkward comment from the twins. Yesterday, after Edward left the hospital with his twin after falling off the stage last week and sufferi...
Read full storyRaoul Moat Buys Predator Costume
New CCTV footage of Raoul Moat suggests he has purchased a Predator costume from a fancy-dress shop. Shop assistant Carrie Mutt said that she thought she recognized the shopper, but as he was not carrying a loaded shotgun, nor foaming at the mout...
Read full storyBeverage Politics Heats up! - New Coffee Party gives grounds for existence
Today in Starbux, Illinois, the formation of a new political movement was announced at a coffee morning and bake sale at the village hall. "In response to the surge of Tea Party politics and general beverage influenced opinions, we the Coffee Party m...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan nude vagina pics...
...would be a shoddy and deceitful way to title a story that has nothing to do with any of these things, a survey has highlighted. It has been revealed that some writers would deliberately choose a sensationalist title like "Britney Spears vulva!...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Newby residents fear for the life of Paul the psychic octopus
Newby residents fear for the life of Paul the psychic octopus as Germans head to the Isle following their teams loss against Spain in the Semi-final of the World Cup this week. The German team found out about Paul weeks ago and were very happy, in the beginning, with the predictions made by Paul. This is because he had Germany down to win every time. UNTIL the Semi-final when he predicted Spai...
Read full storyRaoul Moat has issued a new threat
Newcastle nut Raoul Moat has issued a new warning that he intends to shoot any Fish + chip shop owner, after ordering large chips and battered sausage, only to find out he was given a small chips and no sausage. CCTV pictures show Raoul barged p...
Read full storyCat-Loving Minister Fired by Congregation
BENT PASS, Oregon - Rev. Ron Walkins of Bent Pass, Oregon is being asked to step down as pastor of the Bent Pass Church of Love and Light in Jesus Christ Amen due to his growing cat collection. Rev'rend Ron, as he was affectionately called, started w...
Read full storyThere is still no news worth writing about
Sadly, there is still not much happening in the World at the moment. I tell a lie, something strange did just happen. Spoof writer, Lady Godiva (BAV) has lot the use of her apostrophe. At first she felt a mere tingling sensation but eventually her worst fears came to fruitition. Someone has nobbled her apostrophe. All she gets at present is è è è è every time she tries to type an aspostro...
Read full storyWayne Rooney has been named the ugliest player in the World Cup, according to a dating website to which only beautiful people can belong.
"Wayne Rooney has been named the ugliest player in the World Cup, according to a dating website to which only beautiful people can belong". So goes the headline in an online daily newspaper. Who do they think they are? Wayne is, according to many, quite a 'hunk'. The people on the website conducting the poll must never have heard of 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder'. They're probably a...
Read full storyIf you get any e-mails with the subject Stinky Cheese, do not open
You probably heard about e-mails with the subject Stinky Cheese in the Weird Al Yankovic song Virus Alert, it turns out e-mails with the subject Stinky Cheese really are infected with viruses, of course this virus will not translate your documents into Swahili. The virus in these e-mails will however translate documents into either Latin, Sanskrit or Mandarin. The emails are either titled St...
Read full storyTwo gored in 2nd day of Pamplona Bull Run
One man sustained serious injuries after being gored in the thorax, while a second man was gored in the left leg but was in better condition, said Fernando Boneta, a doctor at Navarra Hospital. The more seriously injured man was a 22-year-old Spaniar...
Read full storyCondoms Too Big For Indian Men
A survey by the Department Of Reproductive Health in India has revealed that 90% of Indian men fail to measure up where it matters ... In the trouser department. The report has found that condoms, manufactured for the international market, are too...
Read full storyBad News for Kids, Glenn Beck Advocates Spanking
Glenn Beck had his way, it would be more than okay for parents to take off their belts or tell their kids to "go find a switch" again in order to maintain authority in the home. Because to him, kids are out of control and we need to reel them back in...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Lonely Hearts
Men Seeking Women Ventnor man, early 50s, NSOH, seeks 20-something woman for dog, er, walking. Box 52. Newport professional bachelor, 29, is it worth mentioning premature baldness? No, probably not, leave that bit out. Seeks non-judgemental woman 25-35, NS with GSOH. Box 19. Ryde man with one leg called Dave (the other is called Alan), recently divorced, aged 62, GSOH, loves walking with Da...
Read full storyWorlds longest Monopoly match ends
The world's longest ever monopoly match came to an abrupt sour end yesterday after the unfortunate death of Mary J. Hunter, leaving behind her husband Tom Hunter. The Chicago couple began a simple game of monopoly on the 22nd of April 1979 and what followed is truly a gladiator battle of epic proportions. Pictured in 1980 1 year into their 31 year long battle Mary and Tom were given a monopoly...
Read full storyReal Madrid to sign Tiger Woods
The latest development in Real Madrid's desperate effort to win their tenth champions league has not stop at bringing in Jose Mourinho, the Spanish giant have lined up a move to bring in Tiger Woods to Madrid. Woods, who had gone through several i...
Read full storyKaka, Messi glee at Cristiano Ronaldo paternity claim
South Africa - (Reuterus & Gonads): It's turning out to be a right messy business. Last week's paternity announcement by Portuguese football captain Cristiano Ronaldo has left fellow internationals in stitches. Ricardo 'Kaka' Izecson dos Sa...
Read full storyPaul, the psychic octopus, now adored by Spanish people everywhere
Paul, the psychic octopus, is now admired by all Spanish speaking people around the world, after he correctly predicted Spain's win in the semi-final against Germany this week. (Football World Cup) In Germany, where Paul resides, he has angry mobs...
Read full storyPalace fury as Raoul Moat tests positive for Prince Harry paternity
Northumberland - (Reuterus): Moat's DNA has matched up with the gingernut doppelganger who has successfully impersonated Harry for over 20 years. The paternity test was ordered after the fugitive killer's genetic imprint was sent to the UK Nation...
Read full storyTooled up cavemen indicate increase in knife crime figures since 2000BC
Researchers have discovered stone tools in Norfolk, UK, that suggest that early humans arrived in Britain nearly a million years ago - or even earlier. Ever since then, knife crime has been on the increase. In 2000BC alone there were a dozen...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan Escape Bid Foiled
US actress and model Lindsay Lohan, who was handed a 90-day jail sentence for violating her probation in a 2007 drug case, has spent the last 24 hours attempting to put together an escape team to assist her in a bid from the jail - even though her ja...
Read full storyPaul Gascoigne helping search for Raoul Moat
Police have revealed that as the search for Raoul Moat has entered it's 6th day, the nearby search for Paul Gascoigne is entering it's second week. "We need to speak to Mr Gascoigne urgently about the disappearance of a distillery in Blyth and the...
Read full storyTop Ten Reasons Men Are Better Than Women
10. Men do not have Tourette Syndrome:I believe all women suffer from a mild and extremely localised form of Tourette Syndrome. The afflicted organ? Their tongues. That's why women cannot shut their flipping mouths for ten seconds while adults are speaking around them. Their tongues are battling around in their mouths like drunken Vipers. 9. Men are not sponges: Women are social chameleons - or...
Read full story20 Reasons to prove it's better to be a Women than a Man!
1. Women can talk to attractive members of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 2. A woman can never be blamed if it's wet on the floor around the toilet bowl. 3. If a woman cheats on her spouse everyone will assume it's because she was being emotionally neglected. 4. Women are capable of doing at least two different things to a passable standard at the same time. 5.
Read full storyHis & Her Side of the story
HER SIDE OF THE STORY He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We w...
Read full storyGender Dictionary
BUM (bum) n. Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger. Male: The organ for mooning (and farting). COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend. COMMUNICATION (ko-muu-ni-kay-shon) n. Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's...
Read full storyCan we avoid a 'Fork-lift ambulance' future?
The government is finally to get tough on greedy, lazy children after years of useless guidance and advice. "You can lecture an 8yr old about healthy eating until you are blue in the face but it won't stop them wanting fried chicken or sweets. Th...
Read full storyMarriage Warnings
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste - David Bissonette When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin - they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi By all means marry. If...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Bid for World Cup 2018 rejected
Councillor Nathan D'Stallion, 48, had some bad news for island residents on Wednesday. "It's sad news for the Isle of Wight today," he said, "as we have received notification from FIFA that we are not going to be the hosts for the 2018 World Cup."...
Read full storyDead Bodies to be made into Bricks
The interestingly named CRISP programme (Creative Regional Industrial Symbiosis Programme), is a government-funded project which seeks to find productive and profitable uses for waste products and to direct these to potential users, avoiding land-fil...
Read full storyStephen Hawking set to star in 'Emmerdale'
'Emmerdale' has received criticism recently over the lack of a wheelchair-bound character in their cast. Both 'Eastenders' and 'Coronation Sreet' appear to be complying with politically-correct guidelines, with characters Adam Best and Izzy Armstr...
Read full storyOlympic Committee seeks advice from Simon Cowell
The Worldwide Athletics Group (W.A.G), have confirmed that Caster Semenya can resume her athletics career for the time being. The 800mtrs World Champion was said to be delighted that her training could now get 'back on track', and that she'd been...
Read full storyShocking New Book: Born Into Sin & Hell Too
The Reverend Daryl Deacon, who has been researching the crisis of dwindling church attendance, and the continuous evolution of man's perception of God for more than two score and ten years has written a shocking new book entitled, Born Into Sin & Hell Too. This informative literal masterpiece traces the complete history of theology all the way back to the primordial swamps of Africa, to the pr...
Read full storyPenelope wants more coverage
Penelope Smythe, the charming and cute 11 year old star is fed up with only being in the Spoof magazine. 'Hardly anyone sees me there ' she wailed 'I want to be a major news story.' 'You'll have to kill someone if you want to have that darling' explained her mother. 'Is that all! I've got several people in mind, especially my foul Maths teacher. I'd love to shove a sum up his nose.' 'R...
Read full storyTerror gunman still not reporting to Probation
The terror gunman Jonathan Moat has still not reported to his Probation Officer, despite public appeals from the Police to him to come in for a friendly word. Moat's Probation Officer, Carol Thatcher, has warned Moat that to continue with his esca...
Read full storyJapan's Dekotora Movement Ruining Lives Stateside As Well
Dekotora - Japan's Dekotora movement -- where truckers who would otherwise be snorting crystal meth off of the porcelain tank covers of rest stops throughout Japan decorate their trucks to look like Elton John's mud room -- has come under fire from l...
Read full storyDisabled Duck Boat Eventually Hit By Really Slow Barge (Too soon?)
A spokeswoman says all eight people, and a big f--king Fiberglass duck, taken to a Philadelphia hospital after the duck capsized have been treated and released. The Osage Avenue Memorial Hospital spokeswoman says 10 people were taken there after T...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan Asks If She Can Have A Jail Cell That Has A Carpet
LOS ANGELES - Lindsay Dee Lohan has asked her attorney, Shawn Chapman Holley, to please ask Judge Marsha Revel if she can have a jail cell at The Zsa Zsa Gabor Prison For Women that has a carpet. LiLo said that she hates to put her pretty little w...
Read full storyJesus Christ on The View: "I Shall Smite Duck Boats, Elizabeth is a Turd."
Jesus Christ, ranked #2 in the Holy Triumvirate, told the cast of the View that He will smite tourist-trap Duck Boats, beginning today. Jesus, clad in Holy Robes from Vera Wang's "Fall Messiah" collection, explained that both Duck Boats and a cert...
Read full storyArizona to secede from the Union
The residents of the state of Arizona, satisfied with the law against illegal immigration and unsatisfied with the actions of the Federal Government, have voted to secede from the Union and declare themselves, The Republic of Arizona, the voters also...
Read full storyVenezuela To Sue South Africa Over Vuvuzela Mix-up
The government of Venezuela is to take legal action against the South African government over the confusion that has arisen between the Caribbean paradise and the vuvuzelas that have been relentlessly blown at the 2010 FIFA World Cup. Venezuela is...
Read full storyEliot Spitzer Show on CNN: "Client 9" at 8, 7 Central
Disgraced former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, the man who crusaded to put away lawbreakers until we all learned that he paid women to fellate him, will have his own prime time show at the top of CNN's nightly lineup. "The Love Gov Show" is exp...
Read full storySpain The New Arsenal?
As the World Cup reaches its thrilling conclusion on Sunday, it was the turn of European giants Germany and Spain to contest a very interesting game last night to see who would face Holland in the final. And it was Carles Puyol of Spain who scored...
Read full storyIs There A Direct Connection Between Russian Spy Anna Chapman and Crazed Criminal Raoul Moat?
LONDON - A spokesperson for Scotland Yard, Edinburgh, who wished to remain anonymous for obvious reasons, has stated that he has seen the highly classified files on both Russian spy Anna Chapman and crazed criminal Raoul Moat and both most definitely...
Read full storyPaul, the psychic octopus, does it again but we anxiously await his prediction for the final of The FIFA World Cup
No news yet, to report on Paul, the psychic octopus's prediction for the outcome of the final of The FIFA World Cup, which is to be decided by a football match on Sunday, July 11th between Spain and Holland. We wait with bated breath, and some wit...
Read full storyJustin Bieber, Boo Boo Stewart In New Movie "Dragon Age Warriors"?
The latest rumor around Hollywood is that two young men, Justin Bieber and Boo Boo Stewart will be playing key roles in the movie "Dragon Age Warriors", with some of the music coming from 16-year-old Justin Bieber. Unlike the game by the title, th...
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