Robert Pattinson to Play Raoul Moat in Story of Moat's Life
Film producers have already found a screenplay they are adapting to film about the life and times of Raoul Moat and they want Robert Pattinson to play the lead role. Pattinson has accepted, claiming he wants to work on other roles so that he's not pi...Read full story
Clone Phone Replicating Self; Apple in Panic
Apple is frantically trying to find the glitch in the operating system that is causing its iPhone 4 multi-tasking phones to replicate themselves. "The web is crawling with claims by iPhone 4 owners that they have clone phones replicating at the rate...Read full story
New Wonder Woman Movie Planned, Looking For The Right Body!
She may still have her invisible airplane and lasso that forces the villain to tell the truth, but she won't be wearing red, white and blue. Although the American colors were popular in the 1940's to most of the world, that is no longer so. "I...Read full story
Spy Trades Outshine NBA Free Agent Scramble
If your bored with the NBA Miami Heat LeBron James circus and still wanting for juicy sports news check out the International Spy League (ISL) free agent swaps. These trades are far more interesting than the NBA free agents go anywhere but Minnesot...Read full story
Ghost Photos Of Michael Jackson At Graceland Proven Authentic
A couple of Elvis Presley fans taking almost 200 photographs were astounded when they placed them on their computer. There were five different photographs of a white-looking Michael Jackson in the background! But why were they in pics at Graceland...Read full story
Animal Rights Group Approves Consumption of Animals "Killed by Accident"
The meat industry and vegetarians everywhere are rejoicing in the decision by an animal rights group to encourage the consumption of animals that are the victims of accidental death. "Every day, thousands of otherwise humanely treated animals are...Read full story
Paul, the psychic octopus does it yet again
Well, Paul's done it yet again. He predicted Germany's win and he was spot on, or should I say 'tentacles' on. Germany won and is in 3rd place in The World Cup, winning the bronze medal. The German team won't be TOO pleased, but one must admit..Read full story
Climate Crisis Narrowly Averted: Missing Heat Found in Gore's Second Chakra
Climatologists have long insisted that greenhouse gas warming was supposed to create a telltale warming of the troposphere, or of the oceans. The trouble is, instrumental readings show no such evidence. Since global warming theory requires the he...Read full story
CLASSIFIEDS Eric Pickles Polecat Bank. Also David Cameron Space Hopper. £1.50 apiece or £2 the pair. Bri 07876 34344 Brace of tame hares - Don't answer to their names 'Burke and Hare' (not sure which is which). Ideal as pets or for the pot (not houstrained hence £5 ONO) Mr Henchman 01209 303033 1965 Morris Oxford saloon with newspaper roof and pair of three-legged Belted Galloway cows.Read full story
Spy swap latest - Octopus Paul and Parrot Mani!
Memories of the Cold War were re-ignited last night when popular octopus Paul was handed over to the Indonesian authorities in exchange for ring-necked Mani. Until recently, few had heard of Mani but his cover was blown when he swaggered out of a...Read full story
Paterfamilias Plugs Toilet then Family
An episode of good-natured family fun turned into a bloody scene of murder and mayhem when a father shot and killed his wife and two daughters on the 500 block of Roberta Drive in The Bronx. According to police, Ohioan Horatio Ashtabula and his wife...Read full story
Melissa Etheridge In Yet Another Nasty Split!
Singer Melissa Etheridge is headed for Splitsville once again as she has filed for joint custody of children belonging to her and partner, Tammy Lynn Michaels. However, Michaels has now counter-sued saying that SHE was the one who was artificially...Read full story
Apple Developing Drone Phones for Use While Driving
Already iPhone 4 owners are being pulled over by the thousands and ticketed for using their new multi-tasking phones while driving, an illegal act in most states. Iphone 4 owners are complaining to Apple that they are finding it necessary to buy two,...Read full story
Mel Gibson fighting for his career - again?
Mel's acting career is in jeopardy again and it has nothing to do with Canadian-born game show host Alex Trebek (yet another Canadian who most people think is American). Mel's up to the eyes in it again after a radio station got hold of a 2 minute...Read full story
Jimmy Buffet Rewrites "Margaritaville" For The Present Gulf Situation.
Jimmy Buffet, pirate singer and sea lover extraordinaire, has re-penned a new song about his beloved home port in keeping up with the times. The admired king of the Parrotheads realized that the old songs about his native Gulf of Mexico were no longer valid in light of recent changes there and has modernized his most famous signature song Margaritaville: (To the tune of Margaritaville) Walki...Read full story
"Justin Bieber" Mobbed At Thirsk Open-Air Market
News that infant tween-to-teen pre-sex symbol Justin Bieber has resorted to peddling his albums on the QVC shopping channel has had a seismic effect on the entertainment world, writes Quentin Compson, Arts & Declining Old Southern Values Correspo...Read full story
Mel Gibson Has Agreed To Star In "The Crazed Bloke - The Raoul Moat Story"
LA HABRA, California - Mel Gibson has just announced that he has purchased the movie rights and and will star in the upcoming motion picture The Crazed Bloke - The Sordid Story of Raoul Moat. Gibson, was sitting by the pool of his $125 a day Holid...Read full story
Fabric from planet Krypton 'can stop bullets'; Clark Kent and Dr Shazam aid in tests
Fabric from the planet Krypton, home of celebrity crime-fighter Superman, has been shown to literally stop bullets in tests carried out by UK scientists at BAE systems in Bristol. A scrap of the material was provided by reporter Clark Kent, known ass...Read full story
Spain v Holland disaster predicted
The World Cup final between Spain and Holland is predicted to be a disaster by none other than Mystic Meg. Meg sees the Referee as the man responsible - showing so many red cards the game becomes a farce. 'His view' says Meg 'is that footballers w...Read full story
The Third Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian Dating The Lieutenant Governor of Arkansas Clyde "Bubbaface" Gritflicker
LITTLE ROCK - The oldest of the three Kardashian sisters, 30-year-old Kourtney, has announced that she has been secretly dating Arkansas Lieutenant Governor Clyde "Bubbaface" Gritflicker, of the Gritflicker family of Cornbread Corners, Arkansas.Read full story
Cheryl Tweedy getting worse
Cheryl Tweedy was making a speedy recovery from Malaria. She was sitting up talking her usual inane bolox when suddenly, she started to talk about Quantum Physics. Doctors rushed to her bedside and began slapping her face as hard as they could in...Read full story
Lady Gaga Loses $1M Lawsuit Against Yankees
Whether a woman or a man, one thing for sure is that Lady Gaga has just said goodbye to her $1,000,000 lawsuit against the New York Yankees. Over a year ago, a line drive off the bat of a Yankee slugger went straight into the stands scattering pla...Read full story
LeBron to Miami Clevelanders to Jonestown
As LeBron James explained to the world this past week ,"It's all just about business," thousands of Clevelanders rushed to the tanker trucks filled with Kool-Aide to end it all. Fans flocked to the streets renting their garments and tearing at their...Read full story
Brit. gored in Pamplona bull running
A British man is in hospital awaiting surgery after being gored by a bull on the third day of Pamplona's famous bull run, officials said. The unidentified 20-year-old needed surgery on the wound in his left thigh which doctors said was serious following the morning bull run, the third run of the nine day festival, which was described as "tense and dangerous" So reads a headline in the online U...Read full story
Alan Greene for US Senate: Da Man, Not De Mint!
Alan Greene kicked off his campaign against Republican Senator Jim DeMint yesterday by announcing a jobs program. He is proposing Bubble Head Dolls of himself and says that it will put hundreds of people to work. Although described as "off beat"...Read full story
Sunday's solar eclipse fears: will the sleepwalking Queen jump into Windsor Castle moat?
Windsor - (Petit Mal News): It's a sudden death penalty shootout kinda solar eclipse this weekend. And the news from Our Man in the Curfew Tower is that the Grim Reaper is poised to score the ultimate karmic Golden Goal. Already we've had seari...Read full story
Obama accuses republicans of "The Old Susquehanna Shuffle"
President Obama accused the Republican Party of "pulling the old bamboozly-woozle" and "executing a precise susquehanna shuffle" on the American people. "I'm only saying" the president asserted to a gathering in Indiana, "that the GOP is pulling t...Read full story
Paul Gascoigne Takes Over as Head of United Nations, Bin Laden Surrenders
In breaking news from UN Headquarters in New York; North-East piss artist and over-rated has been footballer Paul Gascoigne has been appointed Secretary General of the United Nations with immediate effect. Gazza, ebullient from his first foray int...Read full story
Cook Mistakes Paul the Psychic Octopus for Raul the Tasty Octopus and Cooks Him
Things went horribly awry in Oberhausen, Germany when an order for ten octopi was filled by the local aquarium and shipped to Werner von Schottenstein's Clam Grill and Oyster Bar for the day's menu. Paul the Psychic Octopus appears to have been mista...Read full story
No more rain this year
The Meterology Office has issued a forecast which will cast gloom, if not clouds, over England. No more rain this year! Farmers will be the first to suffer as crops are burnt to a cinder and animals pass out prematurely. Politicians are likely...Read full story
Future asylum seekers will have to prove they are gay
Mr T from Cameroon and Priscilla Tickle from Iran have won a landmark immigration appeal, overturning the decision to deport them, which had been based on them being able to conceal their horniness in their barbaric home countries. However this is...Read full story
Updated Dictionary of Work Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what your supervisor/manager is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations she/he keeps filling in. Inchcock Chambers, our unpaid roving reporter brings you advice attained at great risk, by actually meeting management personnel under cover. He hopes this dictionary will assist you. AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL...Read full story
Dora The Explorer In DUI Crash; Backpack, Swiper The Fox in Critical Condition.
Kids Choice Award viewers the world over are devastated to learn that Dora Sanchez-Gomez, the star of Nickelodeon's Dora The Explorer, was arrested for DUI, and is suspected to be the driver in a one vehicle crash that critically injured co-stars Bac...Read full story
Ee i ee i oh!
On a country road, short of the ridge, taken by its reckless drivers as an auto racing track, there lay a cow in the middle of the road patiently ruminating. The screeching sounds of skidding tiers did not bother the ruminating cow, really a close call for all parties. However, the scene philosophically captured my attention, simultaneously branding the cow as the most stupid animal of t...Read full story
Taylor Lautner To Star With Joslyn James and Loredana Jolie In Bellanino Terrabini's "Menage a Trois Du Vampires"
HOLLYWOOD - Noted producer Bellanino Terrabini stated that he will soon begin filming on his latest movie entitled Menage a Trois Du Vampires. The $47 million movie epic will star Taylor Lautner, Joslyn James, and Loredana Jolie. Terrabini says he...Read full story
LeBron James Signs with Miami Heat; Season Tickets Already Sold Out
Miami, FL - Not two hours after LeBron James announced he would be playing for the Miami Heat next season, every season ticket has sold out and a waiting list with more than 10,000 names was generated in case some of those lucky enough to get sea...Read full story
Analysis: Three Things H&R Block MUST Do To Prevent Bankruptcy.
Write this on a rock: H&R Block is f--ked. With the defection of CEO Russ Smyth to a "large company in Chicago" which Smyth refuses to name, Block is on its 257th CEO in 10 years. Field and corporate leadership is now trying out "Configuration Plan ZZ", and still Kansas City's jade-green monolith is hemorrhaging cash at an alarming rate. Here is the solution. 1.) Pick a team: Company...Read full story
Tori Spelling's Family and Friends Are Concerned As Her Weight Drops Down To 61 Pounds!
RESENDA, California - A lot of Tori Spelling's family and friends are deeply concerned about the former 90210 star due to the fact that she keeps losing weight each and every day. Tori, has admitted that she is now down to 61 pounds, or in simple...Read full story
Rothbury Pub Does Roaring Trade During Raoul Moat Stand-Off
Rothbury, Northumberland - As Raoul Moat engaged police in a tense stand-off, some three hundred yards away, it appeared to be party time in Rothbury. As Mr Moat held a sawn-off shotgun to his own head, Friday night revellers packed The Strangler'...Read full story
Raoul Moat Dead - Fugitive Shoots Himself Following Tense Stand-Off
Just in - Raoul Moat, the fugitive gunman at the centre of Britain's most extensive manhunt is dead. Reports coming in suggest that Mr Moat shot himself following a tense stand-off with armed police officers by the riverbank in Rothbury. TV covera...Read full story
Lindsay Lohan Shops for Toiletries and Cigarettes in Anticipation of Jail Stay
Lindsay Lohan is lucky in that she has the benefit of other celebrities' experiences in jail to help prepare her for what to expect when she goes into the slammer. Big names such as Lil' Kim, Paris Hilton, Robert Downey, Jr. and Martha Stewart, yes,...Read full story
Mel "Mad Max" Gibson Has Truly Gone Off The Effen Deep End
MALIBU BEACH, California - A member of the Malibu Beach Police Department interviewed alleged Australian woman beater Mel Gibson about his alleged beatings of his girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva. Ms. Grigorieva, who managed to get herself pregnant wi...Read full story
Barack Obama declares himself President For Life
Barack Obama, fed up with loads of Americans disagreeing with him and demanding investigation of his birth certificate, has decided to declare the U.S. Constitution is now invalid, and declare himself President for Life. Obama's 1st order of busin...Read full story
Robert Pattinson And Kristen Stewart Help The Police With Their Enquiries
Twilight stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have been helping The Police with their enquiries recently, writes Lettie S Beavanu, Popular Vampire Films & Police Affairs Correspondent. It all came about as recently as recently while the...Read full story
News Backlog Frustrates Newshogs
The blanket 24 hour coverage of the hunt for Raoul Moat has blocked coverage of other stories. Consequently, some newsworthy incidents have had to be postponed. The top five stories waiting to break this week include: - Prime Minister Marries L...Read full story
National Census to be axed after 200 years
Francis Maude, the Cabinet Office minister, said the Census, which takes place every 10 years, was an expensive and inaccurate way of measuring the number of people in Britain. The above comes from an article in the online Daily Telegraph. It...Read full story
Isle of Wight News - Pothole Plague Sweeps The Island
Council Highways staff were kept on their toes the day before yesterday and yesterday, as what an Enterprise House source described as "Pothole Armageddon" hit the Isle of Wight's roads. It all began at 10:45, when Urma Hulke answered the phone on the Island Wasp Buzz-Line. "I thought it was a bit early for a wasp emergency", said a still-shaken Urma. "We don't usually get any phone calls until...Read full story
Susan Boyle May Have to Settle on Making New Album with Singing Dogs
So far, Susan Boyle hasn't had any luck at all finding the right "unknown" to sing duets with her on a planned upcoming album. Saying it is not her fault that she's become quite the diva and therefore not able to get along with anyone, SuBo is lookin...Read full story