Isle of Wight News - Lonely Hearts

Funny story written by IainB

Thursday, 8 July 2010

image for Isle of Wight News - Lonely Hearts
Lonely Hearts

Men Seeking Women
Ventnor man, early 50s, NSOH, seeks 20-something woman for dog, er, walking. Box 52.

Newport professional bachelor, 29, is it worth mentioning premature baldness? No, probably not, leave that bit out. Seeks non-judgemental woman 25-35, NS with GSOH. Box 19.

Ryde man with one leg called Dave (the other is called Alan), recently divorced, aged 62, GSOH, loves walking with Dave and Alan, seeks recently widowed woman with differently named legs. Box 2.

Ventnor man, 33, GSOH, NS, would love to meet similar. Box 33.

Alcoholic Wootton man, 44, seeks woman who doesn't mind being knocked about a bit after a night drinking heavily. Would like to meet a masochist. No more self-defence teachers, please. Box 12.

Roud farmer, 45, seeks woman who knows how to handle a combine harvester and can milk a cow. Age and looks irrelevant, as I'm no oil painting. Box 77.

Godshill bachelor, 41, seeks woman for fun and frolics and flat sharing so I can get away from my mother. I can cook and clean, just give me a chance. Must like memorising IP addresses. Box 0110110.

Women seeking Men
Young professional Ryde woman, 25(ish), GSOH, seeks athletic man with own car who can iron linen. Box 55.

Recently windowed Shorwell woman, 33, seeks fifth husband. Preferably one that won't die in a bizarre fashion, the police are beginning to get suspicious. Box 8.

Brighstone woman, 29, GSOH / NSOH, depending on day of month, 5'10", brunette, WLTM man with a stab proof vest, preferably early 30s. Box 27.

Tall (6'10"), slim, blonde Seaview woman would like ot meet a man taller than me, just to prove it's possible. Who knows what heights we could reach after that? Box 405.

Men seeking Men
Northwood man, 27, with dripping tap, seeks man with own tools. Box 12.

Non-Islander living in Cowes, 47, loves parks, Greek food and hairdressing, seeks similar man who's gotta have faith. Box 99.

Women seeking Women
Carol is that you? You're working at the IoWN? Oh my god, we should meet up. No? Oh, no not like that. Honest. Box 37.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more