Jesus Christ, ranked #2 in the Holy Triumvirate, told the cast of the View that He will smite tourist-trap Duck Boats, beginning today.
Jesus, clad in Holy Robes from Vera Wang's "Fall Messiah" collection, explained that both Duck Boats and a certain View co-host offends Him and His Father.
"Look, my Father kinda threw the duck together, you understand?" said Christ, who refused to sit next to celebutard Elizabeth Hasselback. "It was late on Friday night, He had to build Adam early the next day, He had a few Pops the night before. . ."
"Anyway," He continued, "Those stupid Duck Boats are an amphibious travesty. 'Oh, mommy, what better way to see Philadelphia than in the hollowed-out back of a 15 foot Mallard decoy?' Thine shall be Smited. Smotted? No... Smiteded."
(The smiting begins. Please read companion piece "Disabled Duck Boat Eventually Hit By Really Slow Barge")
Barbara Walters, who actually attended Christ's baptism circa 22 A.D., asked the Creator if he had any words for The View's hosts.
"Goldberg, is it?" asked Christ. "You are one of the chosen people, right? Wait . . . <puts hand on ear> I'm getting some information. . . Your name is really Caryn Johnson? Whoopi, I curse you never to be funny again, and. . . oh, too late, huh?"
Jesus then became a bit belligerent: "Where's Rosie? Wait, when did Oprah join the cast? What happened to the hot chick, Ling-Ling? Who the hell named you 'Joy', sourpuss? I smite you all!!!"
His most scathing comments were reserved for Hasselback.
"You. You!! Elizabeth, write this down. I am all for the 'morning-after-pill; Those 655,000 dead Iraqi citizens are My children, too; $5000 savings bonds will not stop abortions; You don't understand Catholicism; Erin Andrews was a victim; I gave Matt more talent than your husband; and what the f--k is an 'immunity headdress'?"