HOTEL: The Riviera
Location: SANDOWN ISLE OF WIGHT
AA RATING: 1 STAR
THE SPOOF RATING: 5 STAR
GUIDE WRITER: ARMFEETANDTOE
I arrived at the hotel and knocked at the door. A man stuck his head out of the window and asked what I wanted. I said I've come to stay here and he said, ok, stay there, and shut the window.
Twenty minutes later, the front door opened and an old woman, bent double with a hump on her back invited me into the hall. "Wait ere". She growled, "I get me Mum".
Feeling a little tired, I sat down on a wooden crate and waited. The old woman returned, followed by a small man with a wooden leg. "Dis am me Mum". The old woman grumbled.
The man held out his stump, I shook it, introduced myself and said I would require a single room with evening meal and breakfast. When they had both stopped laughing, I was handed a brass door knob and told; "We dont have locks".
My room was at the top of the house, which was a challenge to get to, there were no stairs, just a ladder.
As I entered the room, it was light and airy, the window was missing and I could see the sky through the ceiling.
I pulled the bed away from the wall, and the cockroaches pulled it back, it was a fight to get the pillow off them.
After putting my things away, I went back down the ladder and asked my hosts for a towel; "Its out" was the reply.
At dinner, I asked if the food was fresh, again, after the laughter had stopped. my host said, "Its so fresh, yu Shepherds pie has just got up and hearded yu Lamb chops off the plate"!
After a sleepless night, I decided to skip breakfast and make a run for it, On the front door was a note that read.
WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE, £250 MINUS BREAKFAST = £300
I hope Mark will pay the bill.
