The government is finally to get tough on greedy, lazy children after years of useless guidance and advice.
"You can lecture an 8yr old about healthy eating until you are blue in the face but it won't stop them wanting fried chicken or sweets. They're too young to have the necessary self control" said a minister.
One of the stubbling blocks of giving guidance is that modern children are so bereft of knowledge they don't understand the advice, or in some cases even realise they are being addressed.
Professor Theobald Snooks explained "Some kids are still a 'blank canvas' at the age of 6. Phrases like 'healthy eating' and 'good for you' mean nothing. They only realize they are fat when class mates start laughing and prodding them."
Social planners are worried we are heading 'the American way' with shattered toilet masonery, square buses and 'fork lift' ambulances.
David Cameron pulled no punches "200yrs ago the average 11yr old was working down a mine or in a factory - now they are eating chips in front of the computer all day. A class should always have one 'fattie' to laugh at but they've now typically got just one 'skinster' - or normal child."
"Since the labour party has sold off all sports grounds to build houses for their friends we're going to have to find different ways to get kids in shape. School dinners will be mandatory and any fried food outlets can only serve to adults with ID."
Meanwhile in London, Boris Johnson has set up a scheme where children will only be allowed to use underground escalators travelling in the opposite direction.
