Man dies from heat in park and blames other people
An unnamed man died mondaynight after spending 11 hours in the sun in Green Park, central London. According to friends he was working on his tan. The man, said to be in his late sixties, drank very little water because he disliked public toilets. He...
Read full storyBill Gates wants rights to Michael Jackson's Bionic legs
After today's earlier press conference confirming that Michael Jackson did in fact have Bionic implants covering over 70 percent of his body, Bill gates in a not so stunning move has asked for the parts back. He claimed that Michael in his bad fi...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson to play Michael Jackson in biopic
The rumors are true, teen heartthrob Robert Pattinson has signed on to play the deceased king of pop in the Michael Jackson biopic. No official statement has come from Robert, but there are rumors that he has been spending a lot of time dancing,...
Read full storyRobin Williams to play the role of the Joker in the Dark Knight Sequel
Christopher Nolan announced that Robin Williams will take over the role of the Joker in the Dark Knight sequel. Williams says when asked about the role,"I think it will be a great challenge for me. I wanna bring some light into the Joker's dark life...
Read full storyBargis Tryhol, Agent 004 Chapter Three
From the Files of Bargis Tryhol, Agent OO4 Chapter Three Bargis Takes Flight (and Fancy) Click here to see Chapter One Click here to see Chapter Two Before leaving headquarters, Bargis had stopped by Q's equipment check-out department and picked up his assigned gear. He made small talk and chit chat with the man at the desk, but became really interested when Q's new assistant brought...
Read full storyNew President of Honduras a Toad?
From the TP (Toad Press) - Tegucigalpa, Honduras. President Manuel Zelaya was ousted in a pre-dawn military coup d'etat and flown to nearby Costa Rica. Military spokesman Ortega Chavez said he was acting under orders of the country's supreme court.
Read full storyJanet Jackson Could Be Next
City analysts here in London announced that there was a remote possibility that Janet Jackson could be next to go the way of her late brother. Following the tragic demise of brother Michael, whose sales have gone stratospheric, swelling the Jackso...
Read full storyBea Arthur: I'm Sorry Now I Started All This Shit!
Bea Arthur, brought back through a celebrity seance at Madonna's told the many guests she was sorry she started "all this shit". "I had no idea that my just giving up and go out looking for a bucket to kick would start an epidemic. All these...
Read full storyMichael Jackson Was Replaced By Japanese Robot Ten Years Ago
The Michael Jackson that seemed strange and looked even stranger over the past ten years or so, looked exactly what he was, a robot. Japanese scientist Kuw Kasoto broke the news this morning that the real Michael Jackson passed away back in the ea...
Read full storyBernie Madoff Vanishes
Like George Clooney's temporary disappearance in the film Michael Clayton, Bernie Madoff seems to have also disappeared, (maybe permanently) following a fender bender while being transported to his upstate prison in New York. The driver of the Brin...
Read full storyMichael Jackson moonwalks till the end
Recently deceaced 'King of Pop' - Michael Jackson is said to have revealed intricate details concerning his burial mere seconds before he passed. Michael Jackson, infamously labelled 'Wacko Jacko' by the media allegedly whispered to his personal d...
Read full storyUS 'will lose another major offensive' in Afghanistan
The US army says it will lost yet another major offensive against the Taliban, one of the world's major fighting forces, one that would make even the Waffen SS quake in its boots. About 400,000 Marines of the elite Kanon Foderer force are involved in...
Read full storyBritney Spears Going Country On New Album And New Movie In The Work
Britney Spears is in the early stages of recording a country album in Texas, a project slated for a 2010 release via Jive Records. Spears said she had always wanted to make a country album, but was waiting until the right time. "I think there is...
Read full storyWife's Bedroom Antics
A man paid his money to learn how to drive like a real wizard. And then he met the instructor man who was a chief wizard. And then they got into the car that was shaped liked a big broomstick with windows and doors. Oink-oink. And then the instructor asked the man to check his rear-view and wing-mirrors and make sure the broomstick was in neutral. And then the man did that. And then the inst...
Read full storyKevin Jonas to Lose His Virginity
21-year-old Kevin Jonas has decided to trash his purity ring and marry 22-year-old hairdresser Danielle Deleasa. "I've been a virgin way too long", the eldest Jonas brother told the news media. "I hope sex is as good as everyone says it is". A...
Read full storyLittle Bo Pee-Pee has Lost her Sheep
My good friend Little Bo Pee-Pee told me that she lost her sheep and didn't know where to find them. And then she asked me to help her. And then I did. And then I asked her what a sheep looked like. And then she showed me a picture she had drawn of a sheep. And then I asked her if her sheep looked like the picture of a sheep. And then she said it did. And then I said I would help her find her shee...
Read full storyFrom the top secret files of Barghis Tryhol 004 / Chapter two
After the brief meeting with M, Bargis was anxious to get regrouped, update his wardrobe, check back into his flat and have some serious sexual therapy in order to relax before his next mission....BACK TO THE USA and his arch enemy D.E.F.E.C.A.T.E., or (CRAP) as it was listed in SECRET files.(ed. note: and easier to type) Even now, as he pressed the left NIPPLE of the marble statue of Margare...
Read full story"Ban Nuns' Habits" Says Gordon Broon
Gordon Broon, who does Prime Minister impersonations, has called for Nun's habits to be banned in the UK. "I am fed up with that French short arse getting all the headlines. Ban Burkas? Well look at this you frog midget. See, I can be far more contro...
Read full storySeparate road network to be created for Boy-Racers
The Government has outlined plans to create a separate series of roads purely for the benefit of drivers between the ages of 18 to 24. The roads will be 5-times wider than an average road so that the impatient little bastards can pass out at will...
Read full storyRonaldo to Return to Manchester Utd.
Heartthrob sex symbol Cristiano Ronaldo has been in negotiations to return to Manchester united just weeks after his record-breaking transfer to Real Madrid. The footballer said he wanted to come back to Manchester because the players there are fa...
Read full storyThe Penguins of Drought?
Specialist archeological climatologists today met each other and themselves in Fez. Aside from millinery concerns, these blowers and diggers were there to discuss the findings of a recent expedition in the Gobi Desert, Mongolia. In one of the har...
Read full storyMurray Fever Cases Expected To Reach 100,000 A Day
Medical experts today warned that Britain could be facing up to 100,000 cases of Murray fever a day by the weekend. Dr Andi Medix, the Government's Chief Medical Officer, said "People can become quite delusional, especially in the heat. This is simil...
Read full storyMadonna Worried that she may be Next
Following the sudden and tragic death of Michael Jackson, pop star Madonna has expressed her own fears that she too may go bald. The Queen of Pop's changing hairstyles over the years has put immense strain on her hair follicles prompting the belie...
Read full storyOprah and Gayle are Gay
Oprah Smith and her close friend Gayle Kennedy have finally come out and announced that they are gay. The duo, who have been inseparable for years and are never seen not together, decided that it was time to go public in the local community. T...
Read full storyAwesome Roddick to dispatch tosser Murray in straight sets
Wimbledon - (Love-All Mess): The lean, mean, ace-smashing machine that is world number six seed Andy Roddick is bookies' favorite to thrash gormless Wimbledon champion wannabe Andy Murray in Friday's men's semi-finals. Roddick, who has lost 30lbs...
Read full storyDaniel Radcliffe says Michael Jackson is in latest Harry Potter film
Daniel Radcliffe has accidentally let it be known that Michael Jackson is in the latest chapter of the Harry potter saga. Radcliffe, asked about the stars death, told an interviewer that Jackson's final performance will now be "in our film". Ra...
Read full storyWoman arrested for stealing Knickers from Washing Lines
A woman was arrested in connection with a spate of knickers thefts from washing lines. Janice Brown was charged with 500 counts of stealing underwear from her neighbour's gardens over the past 2 months. Ms Brown had only gone for the 'high grade'...
Read full storyMichael Jackson Sex Tape discovered
A tape showing dead pop singer Michael Jackson engaged in sexual acts has been discovered hidden away in a black sack during searches of his rented Hollywood home. Police officers who have seen the tape have to receive counselling and therapy to t...
Read full storyCsi Liverpool Cancelled
The BBC has cancelled its new primetime cop show Csi Liverpool after just one episode. The show is based on the popular format of the American Csi television shows which follow the adventures of crime scene investigators, but the Liverpool show put a...
Read full story'Pasquale' resonance to blame for air crashes
Air crash investigators meeting in Basel this week have coined the term 'Pasqualeism' for a new phenomenon thought to be responsible for the recent spate of disasters. The team, a joint UNESCO and Costeau collaboration, first became suspicious whe...
Read full storyUK Swine Flu Projection: One Quadrillion by January 2010
New Government predictions of the spread of swine flu in the UK suggest that 100,000 people per day could be becoming infected by the end of August. This projection is based on an estimate that the number of infections will double every week. The...
Read full storyRush Limbaugh Seriously Injured
The man who can out-think all liberals with one half of his brain tied behind his back, may have pulled a no-brainer Wednesday when he told his audience that he was not going to "bend over and grab his ankles just because the President happens to be...
Read full storyJacko Impersonator Draws Raves At The Bellagio But Can Only Do It Once!
A young Michael Jackson impersonator brought down the house at the Bellagio last night with three solid hours that span the whole life of Michael Jackson. "He could do the moon walk, the up on the toes stop and everything", stated one customer.
Read full storyCantona Offers Ronaldo Karate Lesson
Eric Cantona, philosopher, actor, poet, French tosser, sometime footballer has criticised Ronaldo for his recent attack on a 17-year-old girl. Ronaldo allegedly kicked in the window of the girl fan when he saw her taking video footage of him and h...
Read full storyFrench President blames Yemenia Airbus crash on Mormon fundy hex
Paris - (Merde, alors! Ass Mess): President Sarkozy has blamed fundamentalist Mormon voodoo for the Yemenia Airways flight IY626 from Sanaa disaster. The troubled Airbus 310 crashed near a Comoros Islands airport named after the Book of Mormon's...
Read full storyMichael Jackson Autopsy Exposed In Unknown Life Form in North Carolina Sewer Video
Los Angeles, CA - A video circulating the web titled 'Unknown Life Form in North Carolina Sewer' could actually be video of the Michael Jackson autopsy. While police have yet to confirm this suspicion, many amateur forensic pathologists have positive...
Read full storySatirist Fails To Address Islamic Fundamentalism Humorously
A satirist has been sacked for not writing anything funny about the prophet Muhammad. His editors relieved him of his duties after he handed in copy that praised Allah, without any derogatory remarks or funny sideswipes regarding over-the-top fundame...
Read full storyLondon College of Psychic Studies hires Blossom Goodchild to channel first posthumous Jackson interview
London - (X-Files Mess): International necromancy market leader London College of Sidekick Studies has hired Ozzie wonder seer Blossom Goodchild to channel Michael Jackson's first official posthumous interview. Princess Diana's favorite supernatu...
Read full storyMichael Jackson Family Truss lost everything in Madoff swindle
New York - (Penurious Ass Mess): Off-the-Wall Street financial investigators following defunct banks Lemon Brothers and Bears' Turns believe they've cracked open a massive $500 million black hole in the Jackson family's moneylaundering slush fund.
Read full storyApple accused of helping people have affairs
Electronics Super Giant Apple have been accused of making it easier for owners of their iPhone to have extra-marital affairs, though Apple deny any complicity. The whole sordid tale started when Apple released their new Applelet for the iPhone cal...
Read full storyOrigins of Fathers for Justice
Sociologists have long pondered where the group Fathers for Justice came from, and now the answer has come out of the blue. Fathers for Justice are a fanatical group of fathers, who use shocking and sometimes quite dangerous stunts to get their me...
Read full storyUnknown Life Form in North Carolina Sewer Sheds New Light On Michael Jackson's Psyche
Los Angeles, CA - A video on Youtube entitled 'Unknown Life Form in North Carolina Sewer' has gone viral, with over 3 million hits in 24 hours. Scientists believe that the video may actually aid in the understanding of 'The King of Pop', Michael Jack...
Read full storyCop Who Allegedly Killed Alleged G20 Protester Tomlinson Was Allegedly A Fake - Police Allege
In a shock revelation, the IPCC (Immediate Prevention of Constabulary Conviction) organisation has stated that the "policeman" who it is alleged struck and injured Ian Tomlinson - who died, possibly as a result of injuries received, was an imposter.
Read full storyFlintstone "Drinking In Last Chance Saloon"
England cricket ace Freddie Flintstone may be drinking in the last chance saloon. That is the verdict of former Yorkshire and England legend Geoff Boring. "Flintstone has clearly got a problem. He is so popular that whenever he goes into a bar people...
Read full storyFawcett to Die Second Time, Say Friends
LOS ANGELES, CA - Completely dissatisfied with the results of Farrah Fawcett's first passing, friends of the beloved actress/model have announced plans to revive her exhumed corpse just long enough that she may die a second time. Though Fawcett wa...
Read full storyTim Henman to return!
As "Murray Mania" sweeps the nation amidst Wimbledon fever, former British No. 1 Tim Henman is gearing up for a sensational return to the court next year! A spokesman for Tim's management company "Hensations" claims that the star has been gripped...
Read full storyRick Astley makes Michael Jackson comeback!
There are reports coming in from various media sources that Rick Astley, an 80's pop star from Great Britain , is to launch his comeback by singing at Michael Jackson's funeral. Astley's Management Company have been tight lipped on the speculation, a...
Read full storyApple unveil new iPhone Applelets
Apple, the world renowned maker of the iPhone are set to unveil their next suite of Applelets (Applets for Apples). These will be available for download from the Apple Store priced at an affordable £20 each, and they claim that no iPhone will be comp...
Read full storyBritain Tops World League #4!
For the 4th time in two short weeks, plucky little Great Britain has triumphed against the giants! We are the most violent nation in the world! Crime figures issued today show that we are more violent than any European country and have even tak...
Read full storyBlack Eyed Peas Set to Release Jackson Tribute CD
LOS ANGELES, CA - The Black Eyed Peas say they Remember the Time when they seemed Invincible, sitting atop the pop charts, but that's all HIStory. Now, suddenly finding themselves unable to dethrone the recently deceased King of Pop from the top o...
Read full storyShock as MJ confirms London gigs
Michael Jackson aged 43 + VAT today confirmed that he would indeed be appearing in London for his planned 50 concerts. Challenged that he was in fact "dead" Jackson squeekily protested that on the contrary, he was merely resting in his cave with a...
Read full storyGreat Train Robber To Remain In Jail
A Great Train Robber must remain in jail. A man of straw, speaking on behalf of the Government, said "He's never even said that he was sorry for what he's done. This is something that is central to this Government's policy on crime. If you say sorry...
Read full storyOctuMom Buys Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch
SANTA BARBARA COUNTY, California - OctuMom's financial company OctuMoney has purchased the sprawling 2,800 acre Neverland Ranch. Reports are that OctuMoney secured a $36.6 million loan from El Banco de Cancun located in Beverly Hills. There are un...
Read full storyMrs Slocombe's Pussy Found Dead
Mrs Slocombe's pussy has been found dead in the garden. It appears that the pussy died of natural causes. The news suggests that the curse of Grace Bros Department Store is far from over. Miss Brahms recently passed away after years of suffering...
Read full storySwine Flu Serves Up Misery At Wimbledon
An outbreak of swine flu has led to panic at the Wimbledon tennis championships. Several ball boys and girls have been struck with the virus. They have been told to remain on court with Roger Federer and to cough all over him. Three players have a...
Read full storyBritain swelters in the heat
With the news that today will be the hottest day in the history of Great Britain, forecasters are running out of countries to compare our current temperatures with. Monday saw temperatures exceed that of Greece, while Tuesday saw them soar past the S...
Read full storyDiana Ross to look after Mollie Sugden's kids!
It has been revealed that the actress Mollie Sugden had expressed a wish for Diana Ross to look after her children when she died. Sugden, who did yesterday aged 86, was a long time friend of the singer, who purchased the film rights to the hit ser...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Says: Ellen Hopkin's" Identical "is Based on My Multiple Personalities
Hannah Montana dates older men and gets involved in all kinds of hi-jinx as Miley Cyrus. The mystery of the two alter egos began to clear this week as Miss Cyrus found some answers of her own in a book by Ellen Hopkin's entitled Identical. Cyrus twee...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan Steals Five Bikinis
Lindsay Lohan the chief suspect in a recent jewel heist is believed to have made off with five priceless bathing suits at her pre-pre Birthday Party. Lohan spent more time sans bikinis than partially naked at the pubic relations event that did not in...
Read full storyTory David Cameron First Black Gay Conservative to Walk on the Moon
The New even newer Tory party announced that David Cameron is Black, Queer and has just landed on the moon. The Daily telgram called the report bullocks and turds. The Black Guardean claims it has evidence that Cameron was golfing in Scotland and tha...
Read full storyHeatwave in UK
Famous for their hipshaking disco anthem 'Boogie Nights' the 70's funk group, Heatwave, are to play centre court at Wimbledon this Sunday, straight after the men's final. The ageing super group are urging all fans to be aware of overheating, espe...
Read full storyVanna White Dead At 51
Mrs. Vanna Louise White of Knob Lick, Tennessee has passed away at the young age of only 51 years old. Mrs. White was always a hit in our neighborhood playhouse especially in the musical, "Oh Vanna!" which she wrote and starred in. Mrs. White...
Read full storyKarl Malden Dies, Gets Stuck Outside The Pearly Gates
Heaven, Universe - Karl Malden, 97, has died but what appears more infuriating to the former actor and American Express pitchman is that, due to an unforseen influx of dead celebrities, his reservation was lost, and his American Express is not accept...
Read full storyAl-Qaeda Lodge Complaint Over Pirate DVDs
It has been revealed that Al-Qaeda, the loosely knit terrorist organisation, have lodged a complaint with the British Trading Standards Insitute regarding the pirating and distribution of their execution DVDs without prior consent or permission. O...
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