From the top secret files of Barghis Tryhol 004 / Chapter two

Funny story written by Morse

Thursday, 2 July 2009


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Bargis, Felix, Morse Join up to take on (CRAP)....oh, shit!

After the brief meeting with M, Bargis was anxious to get regrouped, update his wardrobe, check back into his flat and have some serious sexual therapy in order to relax before his next mission....BACK TO THE USA and his arch enemy D.E.F.E.C.A.T.E., or (CRAP) as it was listed in SECRET files.(ed. note: and easier to type)

Even now, as he pressed the left NIPPLE of the marble statue of Margaret Thatcher in the men's room, causing the disguised elevator door to open and send him down 5 stories to the R@D department, he felt unusually tense.

"Q" was there to meet him as the high speed elevator smoothly braked to a stop and the 12 inch titanium doors slid noiselessly open.

Before him, a bevy of white coated technicians were at their work stations concocting all manner of lethal weapons and updated spy technology....Bargis didn't even know how to Twitter, all he cared about was that the shit" Q" came up with worked, and in fact had saved his bacon multiple times over the last decade.

"What do you have for me, "Q", in case you didn't know, I'm off to the USA again, and under the circumstances with the CIA being under attack by the LIBERAL party in power, I'm going to really need some stealthy shit to keep me out of trouble , up to date and 2 steps in front of hacks like Barney Frank, the Banking Queen!"

"No fear, 004, got a new little item here we just field tested and it worked perfectly. You know how everyone plays golf over there? Well, we have this
neat little Golf GPS Gadget thingy, and we've added a special spy program to it. "

004 lifted an eyebrow, and took a deep breath, Q was always tedious.

"Q" noticed his eyeball rotating in it's socket as 004 raised his eyebrow, "Get a Grip, 004, you're starting to look like that sod Gordon Brown, pay attention here!"

"Listen, 004," he continued, " it really works. We tried it out with Jenny Sanford, the South Carolina governor's wife who wanted to keep track of her husband who kept losing his balls over strange Pussies Galore. ( ed. note: good 1 Morse)

"Being a golfer, he took his little Golf Gadget everywhere and it had all his favorite courses on it. What he didn't know was it automatically programed in everyone of his 4 mistresses. His wife knew every minute whose hole he was playing, how many strokes he was taking and it even recorded his
"fore" play and when his balls went out of bounds....!"

"No wonder he was disqualified from being Governor, sumbitch turned in a phony scorecard and she had the goods on him " 004 said with admiration,
"and I suppose he won't be collecting any of that 'closest to the hole 'money for playing with his wife anytime soon!"

"Listen 004, you'll be leaving for the States in a few days, and rather than bore you to death, I've arranged for a few special goodies to be delivered there along with one of my top technicians, Melody Snatchblock."

"Melody will check you out on the new mini electric auto we've put together, the exploding solar powered dildo, a cleaning solution that will eat through stainless steel and is disguised as a salve for yeast infections...well you know, we have a whole bunch of stuff for you to play with, including Melody who can teach you a trick or two, take it from me," concluded the drooling Techno Geek.

Bargis thanked "Q" and couldn't wait to get back to his flat, shower, call his tailor who kept all his measurements, and order a complete new set of formal dinner wear, sports clothes, and golf attire.

He would also arrange for a new ensemble of soft Italian Loafers, not to be confused with the bunch of Italian Loafers he expected to be sidled with when the CIA had him Liaison with the Secretary of HomeLand Security...004 gritted his teeth in anticipation of dealing with mediocrity, lack of common sense, politics and the like....but hey, that was to make the best of it he thought as he poured the first of his VERY DRY Martinis.

Meanwhile, in Washington, DC, Felix Underpants, CIA Case Officer, Anglophile, and friend to 004, was being "waterboarded" by the new head of the CIA, Luigi Pancetta, the political appointee and hack of the Half American President, Barely Aware Osama, who had recently stolen the election, and whose national origins were still unknown, and certainly suspect.

Since Pancetta's appointment experienced agents like Felix had to put up with "drowning" in paperwork, and filling out endless forms that no one would ever read. The idea apparently was to keep the CIA from getting too involved in (CRAP) which had been receiving a great deal of government funding with no oversight.

Several whistle blowers had made feeble attempts to alert Federal Watchdog Agencies, but they had all mysteriously disappeared; been run over by a Segway, killed by an unleashed pit bull, stabbed themselves while cleaning their Swiss Army knife, or poisoned themselves by mistakenly drinking a cleaning product hyped by deceased pitchman Billie Mays.

No one was following up on the strange occurrences except Felix, and another close friend, now retired, Inspector Morse, formerly of Scotland Yard, Special Branch, and a few other highly classified intelligence organizations.

Felix had his feet up on his desk during a brief respite, and had just taken a call from the Inspector alerting him to the late breaking news that 004 was headed his way, even before Felix got the news from official channels.

"That's great Morse, I haven't seen Bargis since that Afghan thing where we made a killing selling short on the Poppy Harvest just before those unmanned drones mistakenly napalmed them...ha! By the way, how do you keep ahead of your own branch with this news about Bargis...he still hasn't called!"

Felix really did know the answer. Morse still had close ties to M1 5,6,7,&10, and was even now occasionally called back to work as a sexual surrogate for the Special Branch. Due to affirmative action alot of "don't ask, don't tell" special agents, 069, 066,099, come to mind, had joined the service and couldn't get it up with the appropriate sex for the good of the service, and Morse had to be called in to complete the seduction, 'deliver the goods', and wrap up the case, as M was prone to say, snidely.

Felix's mind raced; he was beside himself with excitement! Finally, a chance to get out from behind the desk, and get back to work with two of his favorite friends as well as peers; Bargis, Morse, and Felix....taking on (CRAP), and fighting the good fight at matter where the trail would lead, even if it took them to the highest offices of Whitehall, or into the Senate Chambers, or into the House of Representative's men's room...the Magnificent Trio, or the Menage a trois as they were referred to by their enemies, were ready to take on the evil that lived in and threatened their beloved countries!

God Smiled!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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