A satirist has been sacked for not writing anything funny about the prophet Muhammad. His editors relieved him of his duties after he handed in copy that praised Allah, without any derogatory remarks or funny sideswipes regarding over-the-top fundamentalism and religious dogmatism 'gone mad'.
The writer, who can't be named or represented or drawn as a cartoon was last seen atop a mountain handing out slightly humorous pontifical opinions as if there were no tomorrow and suggesting that if you didn't laugh or do what he said, then there would be severe consequences involving hitting and eternal death and if you did listen to him, there would be lots of sex, palm trees and Toyota Land Cruisers.
Although many people think that it is stupid and primitive to kill people for satirical or religious reasons, the deluded spoofer disagreed as is typical of these contrary misfits of society. "I just want to be taken seriously, nobody listens and I've had enough. Killing people can be condoned if they are different from you and if their opinions are different from your own. Surely you can see that and if you can't, you're either going to hell or somewhere similar like Edmonton in Canada," he said.
An issue raised by the editor, who wanted something funny, but was presented with tediously factual and repetitive nonsense, was with regards to the religious paradox of 'hatred' that led to the murder of innocent people. "Why not write something hilarious about that? People dying as a result of religious differences has got to be satirical pay dirt", he said.
Eventually the writer stopped pretending to be a 'divine messenger' of humour and admitted that he'd faked it. He issued this statement: "I can't write about the hypocrisy of invading Afghanistan and Iraq because they don't do what we want them to do and they've got oil, heroin and lots of sand. I don't want to write about stupid beardy men treating women as second-class citizens and making them wear sheets because they're more intelligent and remember things from way back, things you'd forgotten you'd said 15 years ago that get brought up at a dinner party. I can't write funny things about Danish cartoonists who receive death threats for poorly crafted crap jokes. I'm not a satirist, spoofer or humorous columnist anymore. I'm fu*ked and I don't want to die for my beliefs!"
The dénouement reached, it transpired that the writer, fearing he might end up being fatwa'd or bored to death by a droning zealot, was trying to get out of writing the article. He said that although he considered religion to be a ridiculous smokescreen for social control that lends itself easily to lampooning, some religions are very serious and shouldn't have the piss taken out of them, especially the ones that kill you. He also wanted to have the afternoon off.
At the time of going to print, the writer had distanced himself from himself and denied any knowledge of his own whereabouts.