Obama, McCain Reach Power Sharing Agreement - Both to Share Sarah Palin as Vice-President
Polyandry, CA - In an historic deal struck days before the upcoming presidential vote, candidates Barack Obama and John McCain have brokered a power sharing plan that would avert either of them loosing the election. "It's quite simple really," ex...
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Arsenal Captain William Gallas Leaves Nightclub With Fag
Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has reportedly summoned his team captain William Gallas to a private meeting, livid that the player has been snapped by photographers at an exclusive London nightclub, with a fag in his mouth. The moody Gallas, 31, ha...
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People reporting ATMs casting votes for McCain instead of dispensing cash
Seattle, Washington - ATM customers across the country are reporting banking errors to their branch managers, complaining that every time they withdraw cash at the automated teller machine, they get a prerecorded message thanking them for casting the...
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Another London teen muder - not gang related...honest!
An innocent teenager was stabbed to death today in London who had absolutely no connection to anything whatsoever - especially not all those gangs he used to hang around with. Amacoontoo Mugsgranies from Crapsville, London was walking along the ro...
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Barack Obama can still plausibly lose the election, claims one political pundit
Washington, D.C. - A political pundit today released several computer-based scenarios in which he claims to predict how Barack Obama could still plausibly lose the presidential election come November 4, despite his double-digit lead in the polls agai...
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Maldivian President Maumoon in talks with NASA to take Maldivians to new heights
American sources have revealed that Maldivian president Maumoon is in talks with NASA to take all Maldivians to new heights. According to our source, Mr. President plans to send all Maldivians to an unknown galaxy in space. According to NASA sour...
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Deport Tiny Fey Protests Sweep USA
A dynamic, and facetious, grassroots movement has burst onto the scene across the US. In response to the vicious, and childish, mocking performance on Saturday Night Live, outraged Sarah Palin supporters have begin a petition drive to deport Tiny Fey...
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Ireland to abolish Leprechauns
The fair green isle of Oirland is to ban leprechauns in a bid to remove the unsightly little bastards who have been threatening small children, sheep and old ladies. Some believe the move is more aimed at the government's attempts to get their han...
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Heather Mills rushes to Guy Ritchie's side! Offered top role in his latest pic; says: "I'm ready to comfort and help him in any way I can" - Macca-Madonna absolutely livid!
Saying she 'completely understands' what Guy is going through, a mini-skirted Heather Mills rushed to his side to lend him a shoulder to cry on. "I know what it's like to be unfairly called a gold-digger; used like an old rag and then tossed aside...
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NASCAR to Start at the Gitgo
Talledega AL - Jimmie Johnson, who has his own cap, sez "its high time that NASCAR got wit da times and put some pizzazz back inta racin. Racins done got a bit toooo pradictable 'specially with me winnun an all. We need some highlights, some new kind of 'traction to motivate." "Me and Bobby-Joe Johnson were thinking one day. Magine, us two thinkun at the same time . . . tagether!" "That's wh...
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Shakespeare Sends Message To US Electorate
Fred Shakespeare, a direct descendant of the Bard of Avon today sent a message to the US electorate. "It makes no difference. Obama/McCain/McCain/Obama/Palin, Monty fucking Python, it makes no difference who you vote for. They're all crap. Stick to showbiz, it's what you do best. Forget politics - you're just way too insular. Add to this the fact that most Presidents of the USA have be...
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Darren Bent's Got A New Agent
(Darren Bent's Agent) Ian Elliott : "Hello Is that Sky?, It's Ian here, Calling from London, I'll get straight to the point, I have given up talking Tottenham Hostpur, let's face it , their all idiots, and they hate me for signing him in the first place, but Darren thinks we should get a "Showbiz" Football Agent to sort out a new contract or even better, a move, are you interested?". Sky Andre...
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Reaction: JCB Employees Take Pay Cut To Save 350 Jobs
Employees of JCB, the excavator manufacturer today agreed to work shorter hours, thus reducing their pay, in order to maintain 350 jobs within the company. How good is that? These men work for an employer, they have their wages paid into banks. The banks go bust so the taxpayer (including these JCB employees) bail the banks out with their hard-earned, but the banks won't advance money to...
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8th grade textbook has Obama chapter
Many grade schools have begun the new school year with a new chapter in their standard textbook enthusiastically reflecting the upcoming expected new Presidential administration. Here are samples from the new chapter: HISTORY Section: Obama sez: History doesn't matter. I'm going to change it anyway. Don't bother learning about all that old stuff because it's all Euro-centric to begin w...
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John McCain Admits He Messed Up Picking Sarah Palin
SWEET LIPS, Tennessee - Senator John McCain told one of his closet advisers, Cody that he realizes that he messed up royally when he picked Sarah Palin to be his running mate. "Cory," he said, "I messed up royally when I picked Sarah Palmer to be my running mate." Cody corrected him, "Ah sir, my name's Cody and her name's Palin." And McCain asked, "Palin?...Palin Palmer? Hell I've been...
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Doomberg Financial Tool Calculates Retirement Date
NOHAVEN, Conneticut - Doomberg - Press Release - New member - financial tool suite: TireDayCalc. TireDayCalc calculates when you can retire, based on input from an army of financial pronostibators, dicountants and confidence men at 13th Infidelity Bank. A novel Javacumn script sucks up all the data from your computer for you, so you don't need to type anything. Given the state of the econ...
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Our Governor Is Better Looking Than Your Governor
This is an open letter to all other citizens of the United States: our Governor is better looking than your Governor. That's it- period. No questions asked. In fact, our Governor is a pretty hot chick. Of course, in Alaska, any woman standing on both legs and having her own teeth is ususally a hot enough babe to we single guys living here. Still, Governor Palin is exceptional. Despite...
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Karl Rove Infomercial - Weaseling Your Way to Success
Greetings fellow Americans- Are you one of the downtrodden ones who have never had a lucky break? I was one too, but I am going to pass on to you how you can break out of the bad luck cycle with my new book "Weaseling Your Way To Success!" As a child I was unattractive, unpopular and as dorky as Popeye going through spinach withdrawls. But I powered through all that to the very top echelons of...
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McCain Tries New Strategy
In a final effort to sharpen up his presidential campaign, Republican Candidate John McCain has his volunteers working up and down the nation's highways in one final effort. "Since I have little money left", stated the Arizona Senator, "In the middle of the night I get this great idea. Remember those old Burma Shave signs when you were young? Oh well, I do. I was only in my thirties and those s...
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Arthur Pewty Spills The Beans On Su Doku Evil
A stunned looking Arthur Pewty, reputed crime kingpin of Neasden and all round hard-man today had leaflets distributed to the hordes of the world's press encamped outside his flat in Norman Wisdom Tower Village, Neasden. The leaflets apparently printed by Pewty's gangster moll wife, the glamorous Beryl, contained a warning regarding the evils of the so-called fun puzzle Su Doku, as endorsed by...
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New James Bond
Following on from the last English spy, Johny English, the latest James Bond fails to meet the high comic standard we have come to expect. Famous stand up comic, Roger Moore, "eyebrow" to his friend, was hard to follow in the most famous role sinc...
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Post Office Will Slash Rates
Washington DC, (IPP) - Postmaster General Dempsey Dumpster III announced today that the Post Office will slash rates because of the drop in fuel prices. The Post Master said that the government is the people's friend and this is their way of help...
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"Tyler Perry's" to be Added to All Black Film Titles
In a move sure to stun pretty much everybody from Hollywood power-brokers to the most casual of moviegoers, filmmaker Tyler Perry has announced his intention to have the words "Tyler Perry's" placed in front of the title of every movie with an all- o...
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Sarah Palin Selling Clothes on Ebay
Pasadena, California (IPP) - Sarah Palin is selling expensive clothes on Ebay and she says she is "making a killing" under the avatar ImrichUaint. So far she has accumulated a score of 73 100% positive feedback. All of her items have featured fre...
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Lousy Cachet for Yale Degree Blamed on President Bush
Recent surveys suggest that having President George W. Bush as an example of a Yale alumnus has damaged the prestige of a Yale degree almost to that of a rural community college. The results of this survey - conducted in a joint effort by graduate...
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Official: VHS / Beta War Over In Vietnam
Vietnamese economists today announced that the 20 year struggle for home video dominance is officially over. JVC, makers of the popular VHS format, have made no formal announcement, but insiders say that the industry giant has suspended all orde...
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Heckler Academy Announces First Graduating Class
The first group of professionally trained and certified hecklers is about to embark on their journey into the political, sports, and entertainment world. Led by professor Buster Bawlz, PhD, the class of 132 men and women are "ready for their first...
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Beans and real ale lower BP
American researchers working with mice have discovered that hydrogen sulphide, technically known as 'fart gas', relaxes blood vessels and lowers blood pressure. The gas is one of the principle noxious ingredients in particularly rancid flatulence.
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Stallone Takes On Broadway With Rocky: The Musical
It turns out 2006's Rocky Balboa was not the end the line for our favorite boxer after all. The film, like no other sequel before it, rediscovered the edgy, independent spirit of the 1976 masterpiece that captured the heart of the world. When audien...
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Parents Use Dogs to Sniff Scent of Drugs on Teens
Parents in Snifataway, New York, attempting a novel approach at detecting teen drug use, are encountering unexpected results. Employing dogs trained to sniff out contraband from international shipping containers, borrowed from the New York Port Au...
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Joey Barton To Become A Model For Kids
Joey Barton, the Newcastle United player just nicely out of prison, has said in an interview that he wants to re-invent himself, and would like to become a shining example to youngsters. Controversial midfielder Barton, 26, hopes he can transform...
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Sarah Palin Says Complaints of Her $150,000 Wardrobe Are 'Sexist,' Is Now Campaigning Nude
WASHINGTON (FMLiveWire) -- Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin is now campaigning nude to protest the 'sexist' criticism she has received over her new $150,000 wardrobe which she received for free. "As you can see, I am now campaig...
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Paris Hilton and her Disney parody Brenda Song, Fighting!
Socialite Paris Hilton and Teen Queen (and her Disney Channel parody) Brenda Song are fighting because of Brenda's role on the popular TV shows The Suite Life of Zack and Cody and The Suite Life on Deck (with Debby Ryan, who is currently in a feud wi...
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Publishers accused of scraping the burrell (sic)
Kensington-based publishers "Snide, Fortune and Nozubstanz", have been accused by an increasingly cynical tabloid media today of 'scraping the burrell' regarding the publishing of Royalty-related books. According to the tabloid press, who were un...
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Ed-E-torial 28: "Survivor" John McCain. Mr. Sulu A Pain in Captain Kirk's Asteroid?
(Washington, D.C.) To once and for all prove that that he's not too old to handle the responsibilities of President, John McCain has contacted the producer of the reality show "Survivor", Mark Burnett, asking Burnett to let him compete. Addressing the move at a press conference this week, McCain said, "If I can survive an endorsement from George Bush, I can survive anything." (Hollywood--CA) Th...
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Terrorist Filbert Fernidge, Still at Large
The internet hacker known only by his pseudonym, Filbert Fernidge, has struck an international charitable organization, draining its financial accounts of 72% of their original value. Dubbed an internet "terrorist" by several countries around the gl...
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British Courts Despair at EU Extradition Requests
The number of asinine extradition cases being dealt with in UK courts has reached record levels, fuelled by the number of 'trivial' requests from around the World that have pissed police authorities right off and clogged up an already pathetic and da...
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JP Morgan CEO 'sent death threats'
Off-the-Wall-Street, NYC - (Fetid Ass Mess): NYPD officers are investigating a series of crude death threats sent to JP Morgan CEO James Dimon. The move follows reports that the US Postal Inspection Service has intercepted 'literally dozens' of an...
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UFO scuttles Sir Richard Brantub's transatlantic bid
Atlantic Ocean - (Extraterrestrial Mess): A low-flying UFO that dive-bombed Sir Richard Brantub's ocean-going Virgin Moneylender yacht was blamed today for the collapse of yet another transatlantic record bid. The craft was spotted tailing the 99...
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Deep reign thrombosis fears for Puppet Monarch
London - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Doctors at the Royal Freak Hospital fear a recently discovered massive clot - in the form of an Al Qaeda bastard half brother and his KGB spookmasters - in the Puppet Monarch's distaff bloodline could embolise with...
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Gay Irish Pub Launches Contest for New Name
Replacing what was a landmark public house to the local community of Castletroy outside of Limerick, Ireland, owners of the former McAllister's Brass Rail Pub are searching for a new pub name. Taking advantage of the growing population of alternativ...
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Double Entendres List "Getting Bigger"
Researchers at the Oxford English Dictionary have revealed that the list of phrases classed as Double Entendres is getting bigger. "Last year's list was big," said Richard Small, research co-ordinator at the OED. "But compared to this year's, it w...
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Mr Bubbles Double-Dares to turn Yellowstone's Old Faithful Geyser into a Bubble Bath
London, England - Flushed with success at his recent conversion of London's Trafalgar Square's famous fountain into a foaming bubble bath, prankster Mr Bubbles has set his sights even higher. He's off to Yellowstone National Park to try to do the sam...
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The 40 Year Old Virgin (+50 Years)
We've all heard that some people keep their self pure until marriage. But one Thaddeus B. Jerkwell takes that to a whole other level. Mr. Jerkwell is ninety years old. In the small town of Winchester, Kansas where everyone and their Mum's have a...
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Tories Soliciting For Funds...Again!
More accusations of "Tory Sleaze" erupted today when it emerged prominent Conservative MP's had been seen openly taking and receiving money over the last few days. A Member of the Shadow Cabinet was seen quietly and anonymously taking money from w...
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Poundland, Charity Shops Shares Up; Everything Else Down
As the effects of the worldwide Credit Crunch, economic downturn, banking and financial crises finally took their toll, two areas of business showed positive signs amidst all the gloom this week - as every other organisation lost wads of cash, Poundl...
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NHS Not Using IT
After a £12billion injection of cash into the IT sector of the NHS, it has been revealed that most of it was wasted. Lord Darzi's report into the 'internetification' of the NHS highlighted several shortfalls. Although hospital patient records are...
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All of British Football Protests Contraceptive Education for UK Teens!
John Bull's footballs are now being kicked, headed and blocked by more brown, black and even yellow people than the white denizens of John Bull's fair skinned Island. For a nation whose premier poet mocked the dun breasts of his favorite lover and gl...
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Presenting Joe The Plumber Action Figure Doll
PEORIA, Illinois - The Assbro Toy Co. has just announced that it has started 24-hour-a-day production on what they are hoping will be the most popular toy of the Christmas season the 'Joe The Plumber' action figure doll.' Assbro will be selling t...
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Universal British Sex Education Curriculum Admits Facts of Life for the First Time!
John Bull's Island will tell the sexsual truth to its youth for the first time next school term. Sexsual Ed director, John Python Cleese told a conference of Birds and Bees educators that comprehensive sexsual education will be mandatory for Engl...
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Demi's Tantrum
After starring in the hit Disney Channel Original Movie Camp Rock with the Jonas Brothers, sixteen year old Demi Lovato was quick to release her debut album Don't Forget and get signed to her own Disney series, which is currently called Sonny With a...
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Chelsea Eager to Lay Claim on Joe
Disney starlet Chelsea Staub was extremely happy to learn of close friend Joe Jonas's breakup with country singer Taylor Swift, hoping that she could encourage rumours with teen magazines by getting the nineteen year old singer to go out with her for...
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Miley's Tell-All Interview with Ryan Seacrest
The recent transcript from fifteen year old Miley Cyrus's interview with Ryan Seacrest has been plastered all over the internet and shocked adults and children alike. The interview has said to have gotten "pretty intense" and Miley herself revealed s...
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Former Bushit Spokesperson Will Now Lie for Obama!
Scott McClellan made a career of lying for the Bushit Administration. After his resignation he decided to write a tell it all book and make millions. The thousands of dead American soldiers in Iraq, the tens of thousands of dead Iraqis and the hu...
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Greenmold Admits He Grew too Fond of Unregulated Markets, Oops!
Preeminent Economics guru Greenmold told the world that he is not to blame for the greenish-black spreading stains that mar the US and world economies despite his ruling presence for decades of deregulation and naive free marketeering. Greenmold...
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Vanessa Upset to Turn Down Playboy
While HSM honey Vanessa Hudgens, nineteen, may be busy promoting High School Musical 3: Senior Year she still had time to deny an offer of a centrefold in Playboy. The saucy starlet was very disappointed to turn down the offer, having dreamt of b...
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Scotch Tape Emits X-Rays and Saves Pennies; McCain Adds it to His Healthcareless Plan!
Scotch tape has been discovered to emit X-rays in zero-gravity. The reasonably priced made-in-Scotland product has been an essential part of the life of all the peoples of the planet. Due to a patent on the magically invisible sticky stuff, it ca...
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College Board Suggests New Test for NewBorns: The NBSAT!
Just as the Princeton, New Jersey based multi-million dollar testing industry has been losing business due to the critical scrutiny of the best pinnacles of higher learning, the scholastic aptitude analyzers have marketed two new tests. One will provide eighth graders with a pre- Preliminary Aptitude Test. This would set up an 8, 10(PSAT) and 11 and 12th grade scholastic aptitude hat trick. N...
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Buster and the Baby angel, Chapter 21: The Baby Angel Awakes...
With Buster still in ecstatic after glow in Chapter 19 and a not very hit upon transitional teaser in Ch 20, dear readers, the baby Angel awoke frightened by the possible fading out of her tale. Miss B.Angel had a sexsual fantasy of her ownie while Buster lay on the beach in coitus tsunamius with the mysterious tremenda Lilly Marlenya. Having your feathery wings caressed, any angel, baby, te...
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Bob The Banker: "We can't fix this."
Banking leader Bob The Banker has faced shareholders and stated that "we can't fix this." Wendy and Roley were by Bob's side as he addressed the angry group, despite being laid off earlier in the day. "The fact is it's not Bobs fault" Wendy told...
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Man with large Penis buys Porsche
The marketing division of Porsche international has been thrown into disarray after it was revealed last week that a 944 Carrera was purchased from a German dealership by a man with a large penis. Suspicions that the Porsche's marketing strategy...
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Next Thursday named 'Drive to work in a hollowed out Panda' day.
Following the success of campaigns such as 'ride to work day' and 'walk to work day', the international ecology organisation 'Friends of the Earths Resources' has announced that next Thursday is a day for everyone to 'Drive to work in a hollowed out...
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Beckham signs $10millon deal to play with himself
International soccer commercial David Beckham has shrugged off his contracts with the LA Galaxy and AC Milan to continue his playing future in the only team that he believes can sustain him. Beckham has formed his own team to revolve entirely aro...
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Stereophonics front-man Kelly Jones confesses to picking up man in nightclub high jinks shame
Kelly Jones, lead singer and top hair stylist with the Tom Jones international tribute band, the Stereophonics has admitted to picking up men in sordid and seedy nightclubs, often very late at night at times when he really should be tucked up in bed...
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Sarah Palin forced to sell her high-priced Panties on eBay; debriefed proceeds not going to charity
Washington, D.C. - In an attempt to calm the waters over the controversy of the RNC purchasing $150,000 worth of clothing for vice-presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, the McCain campaign has announced today that it is putting up Palin's underwear for...
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Arthur Pewty Alleges Censorship By MI6
Following an allegation that Arthur Pewty was dead and that he had a dead parrot stuffed up his arse, Neasden crime kingpin Arthur Pewty today responded by holding a press conference in a local branch of Jock Donalds. 'It's MI6,' Pewty claimed. 'I...
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