Darren Bent's Got A New Agent

Written by witness2history

Friday, 24 October 2008


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

(Darren Bent's Agent) Ian Elliott : "Hello Is that Sky?, It's Ian here, Calling from London, I'll get straight to the point, I have given up talking Tottenham Hostpur, let's face it , their all idiots, and they hate me for signing him in the first place, but Darren thinks we should get a "Showbiz" Football Agent to sort out a new contract or even better, a move, are you interested?".

Sky Andrews : "You want me to sit, in a Boardroom, listening to those lunatics, all blaming each other for appointing Ramos, for hours on end? Are you out of your tiny fucking mind?"

Muffled Voice : "I'll do it, what is it?".

Ian Elliott : "The money's good?"

Sky Andrews : How much?"

Ian Elliott : "Minimum Five Hundred Thousand"

Sky Andrews : "Five Hundred Thousand eh? Dollars or Sterling?"

Muffled Voice : "Five Hundred Thousand?, Dollars, Sterling, Euros, Roubles 'Don't give a fuck I'll do it, what is it?".

Sky Andrews : "Sammy, can please be quiet, I am on the phone to a good friend of mine from the English Premier League, sorry about that Ian, I'm really bust right now sorting out Sol Campbell's Autobiography, Thank God for those Pompey Fans, worked a treat, I'm afraid I'll have to pass"

Ian Elliott : "Who is that in the background?"

Sky Andrews : "Oh that's just Samuel L Jackson"

Ian Elliott : "Will he do it?"

Sean Connery : "For $500,000 he'd fuck his own Grandma, ever since those Motherfucking Snakes On A Plane he hasn't worked much, he just hangs around here all the fucking time".


Daniel Levy: "Look I'm sorry but we're really busy, after yet another defeat, against Udinese, and what with Comolli leaving…".

Juande Ramos : "Hola. Cómo puede nosotros le ayudamos"

Samuel L Jackson : "What country you from!"

Juande Ramos : "¿Qué? "

Samuel L Jackson : "¿Qué? " ain't no country I know! Do they speak English in "¿Qué? "

Juande Ramos : "¿Qué? ".

Samuel L Jackson : "English-motherfucker-can-you-speak-it?"

Juande Romos : "¿Qué? "

Samuel L Jackson : "Say "¿Qué? " again! C'mon, say "¿Qué? "
again! I dare ya, I double dare ya Motherfucker, say "¿Qué? " one more goddamn time!"

Gustavo Poyet : "I am Juande's interpreter, allow me!"

Samuel L Jackson : "Now describe to me what Darren Bent looks like!"

Gustavo Poyet : "Well he's... he's... black" -

Samuel L Jackson : - "Go on!"

Gustavo Poyet : "...and he's... he's... bald" -

Samuel L Jackson : - "does he look like a bitch?!"

Gustavo Poyet : "Pardon?

Samuel L Jackson : "Does-he-look-like-a-bitch?!"

Gustavo Poyet : "No!"

Samuel L Jackson : "Then why did you try to fuck 'im like a bitch?!"

Gustavo Poyet : "We Didn't!"

Samuel L Jackson : "Yes ya did. Ya tried ta fuck 'im. Well Darren Bent doesn't like to get fucked by anyone, except Mrs. Darren Bent!".

Gustavo Poyet : "I don't know what to say…."

Samuel L Jackson : "Oh! I'm Sorry, did I break your concentration?", "First you buy Darren for £17M, then you don't play him", "Then you sell Defoe, Keane and Berbatov leaving Darren to play all on his own"

Gustavo Poyet : "But he likes the Lone Striker Role!".

Samuel L Jackson : "Well now. Look at the big brain on Gus!"
" So why did you buy Pavlychenko?",
"And then pay him more money than my man Darren?"
" I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brother. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

Juande Ramos : "Flip It, Just give him what he wants!"

Gustavo Poyet : "Oh speak Fucking English NOW do we?"

Daniel Levy : "I'll sign the contract, anything, just let me out of here!".

Samuel L Jackson : "That's more like it, anyone else wanna pull that ¿Qué? Shit?"



Now someone get me a Royal with Cheese,

Fucking metric system!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more