Cindy McCain To Pose Nude
CASA GRANDE, Arizona - Several months ago Cindy McCain received a call from Hugh Hefner telling her that he was going to be putting out a brand new men's magazine. He told her that it would be just like his original magazine, with the exception that...
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President Bush Will Buy All The McDonald's
WASHINGTON D.C. - President Bush announced that he will be taking $250 billion of the $700 billion bailout money and will be buying every single McDonald's Restaurant in the world. As American taxpayers from the Left Coast to the Right Coast shake...
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George and Barbara Bush Finally Give Up on W., Dump Him At Nebraska Hospital!
Omaha,NE, Children's Hospital - Citing Nebraska's Safe Haven Law to take in unruly children, The Former President and First Lady, dropped off the current President, George W., hoping the action would finally give the nation some peace during the dec...
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Kiss Members Revise Party Schedule to "Not Every Day"
Former members of the rock group "Kiss" have announced that their party schedule will be cut back from the every day regimen they attempted to follow for years. "While we still want to rock and roll all night and party every day" stated Gene Simm...
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England Ready For Belarus Onslaught
After last weekend's controversial booing scenes at Wembley during their World Cup qualifier against Kazakhstan, England are bracing themselves for a similar onslaught of jeering from a partisan crowd in Minsk tomorrow night. England take on the m...
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Fat Man Given Enough Rope to Hang Himself
Morbid, Ohio - Convicted murderer, Ron (alias Big Mac) McDonald, was put out of his misery today after the Supreme Court supported his last-minute plea to be executed. McDonald had been on Ohio's death row for the past 22 years after being found guil...
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Nazi memorabilia auction flogging Heinrich Himmler penis ring
Northampton - (Seedy Ass Mess): A platinum swastika-engraved penis ring that once belonged to SS head Heinrich Himmler is going under the hammer after being discovered in a Northampton car boot sale. The Nazi 'death head ring' as it was known was...
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Massive Mothership Flies Over Michigan; Goodchild's predictions confirmed true
At approximately 4:46 PDT this afternoon, a massive craft was seen flying over Michigan just over Flint and Detroit. The video has already been posted all over the internet. Thousands of witnesses said the ship was somewhere from 50 to 100 meters...
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Poll says "Most KKK members don't trust Obama"
Presidential hopeful John McCain is taking comfort from a new electoral poll that says that 55% of Klu Klux Klan members "don't trust Obama". Part-time Klansmen Ray Cyst said: "There's something about Senator Obama that I don't like. I'm not sure...
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Rednecks to take the world to court over abuse of Shit Creek name
The Rednecks of Shit Creek, Arkansas, are taking the remainder of the world to court as a result of the current economic climate. The population of Shit Creek is becoming completely brassed-off at the number of visitors continually arriving in the...
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Freddy Mack And Fanny May Still Waiting For Their Check
Philadelphia PA-- Freddy Mack of South Philly is still waiting for the check in the mail. Freddy, 83, and his wife Fanny May say the government promised them lots of money. They even heard their names mentioned on the news a few times. Freddy M...
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George Clooney, Brad Pitt to Star in Hollywood Buddy Movie
A new "Buddy" movie project featuring Brad Pitt and George Clooney was announced by Universal Pictures this afternoon, where filming is scheduled to begin early next year. The project will include other members of the Oceans 11 cast as well, but in...
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Will a Turkey Win the Election?
According to an unidentified military source, presidential hopeful John McCain may be planning to step up efforts to raise the specter of terrorism in a last-ditch attempt to distract the public from the economic fiasco and his running-mate's plummet...
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ACORN Registers Mickey Mouse
ACORN executives, each handpicked by Barack Obama, ask the question: "Why shouldn't cartoon characters get to vote? It's bad enough that they're trapped inside TVs in the first place. Should they also be trapped in a world without political representation?" Here are the 'toons ACORN has recently registered: 'MICKEY MOUSE' - Democrat 'DONALD DUCK' - Republican and Grand Wizard of Orlan...
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New Google satellite sends surprising images
The following popular citizens are seen with amazing clarity and detail going about their daily lives, not knowing Google and the world are watching from above: OBAMA in his backyard talking over the fence with neighbor Bill Ayers. MCCAIN in one of his backyards with his new snowmaking equipment getting snowmobile lessons from Sarah Palin and Todd. BIDEN in his backyard painting Democrat...
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Barbara Walters, Star Jones in Celebrity MMA Fight
Following comments made by Ms. Jones about her "hateful" co-hosts on the morning television series "The View", Barbara Walters released a few choice comments of her own to reporters after a recent taping of the show. "The blimp really needs to...
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Oranges are the only fruit
According to a ground breaking study that will be published in the Lancet this month a group of amateur scientists have stumbled upon what they claim to be the fruit gene. This news, if corroborated, will rock the world of fruit and vegetables to...
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McCain Claims: I'm That Troubled One to Lead a Troubled Nation!
Washington had whalebone teeth. Lincoln suffered from depression. Grant was often drunker than W in the frat days. Arthur was ginormous and Roosevelt was in a wheelchair and had a really homely wife which is why he gave so much dictation to his secretary, but that's a spoof for another time. Truman blew up cities. Eisenhower was boring. Kennedy watched too many movie starlets and Nixon was a crook...
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Sodomy tattoo vicar has unusual rectal birthmark
London - (Bare Ass mess): Peter Mullen, the vicar who wants gay men to carry sodomy warning tattoos on their arses has an unusual internal rectal birthmark according to internet sources. Mullen, 69, recently had a high tech examination at a leadin...
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Blair 'knew Tessa Jowl was Ecclestone's daughter' row escalates
London - (ReUterus & Sordid Ass Mess): Ex-UK Prime Monster has been dealt a body blow by reports that he knew daftass F1 midget Bernie Eclestone fathered Culture Secretary Tessa Jowl. Secret documents obtained under the Freedom of Disnformatio...
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Blossom Goodchild predicts Obama landslide!
USA - (Psychic Ass Mess): American celeb psychic Blossom Goodchild has upped the ante of her alien UFO predictions and stated that Barack Obama will 'win a landslide' election victory. Goodchild, 69, has said that 'aliens come in love' and famousl...
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Exotic Tropical Insects Invade UK
Exotic species of spiders are making their homes in the UK according to a coven of dandruff-ridden, spotty, four-eyed anoraks writing in the latest issue of the Arachnid Stompers Weekly. Researchers believe arachnids and a myriad of other tropical...
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Pentagon's 'synthetic telepathy' technology siphoned off from retro-engineered UFO
Washington AC/DC - (X-Files Mess): Pentagon scientists have siphoned off synthetic telepathy technology from a retro-engineered mothercraft that was once stored in the top security Roswell hangar known as Area 51. The move marks a radical departur...
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Irish Unveil 100% Bug Free Software System
In what has been hailed as a major breakthrough in Software Development, the Irish Eco Agency yesterday revealed details of a new state of the art IT system which is believed to be the first of its type to be delivered on time, on budget and totally...
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Thespians targeted by Church of England
Not content with targeting gay people (sometimes called lesbians or homosexuals) the Church of England is now targeting thespians throughout the country. Archbishop Richard Head - Dick to his friends - of Telford has condemned thespians throughout...
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Iraq War Opponents Were Bloody Right When They Denounced "Blood for Oil"
Measure the blood shed in the Iraq War and then the 40% of the entire Middle East's oil reserves that the Iraqi government has just put up for sale. Is that bloody drop in the bucket of blood what motivated the US neocon chickenhawks and dupes like John Major to go along with the human sacrifice to the god of oil? China Oil and Shell have already laid claim to contracts and now multinational...
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Lord Hastings of the BB&PA: Beer Can Bailout Ailin' Economy
"I've always said: Beer-it's good for what ails ya'" - This, the official comment from Lord Mark Hastings of the British Beer and Pub Association. Hastings, though not a true Lord, (he got the nickname while at Oxford where the full label was Mar...
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Arnold Schwarzenegger Unveils US Economy Rescue Plan
Los Angeles governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has today unveiled alternative plans for the rescue of the US economy, after first telling White House staff that the $700billion plan put forward by President Bush, was "bullshit". The US is in the midst...
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Bootlace Sammy Jailed for Burglary
A hapless teenage burglar found hanging upside down by his bootlaces from a window of the house he had broken into has been jailed for life in an attempt to protect him, and the public at large, from his own stupidity. Sammy 'Asbo' Snitgruber, 16...
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The Letter
Just a line to say I'm living, That I'm not among the dead Though I'm getting more forgetful And something's slipping in my head; I got used to arthritis, To my dentures I'm resigned. I can manage my bifocals, But oh, how much I miss my mind. For sometimes I cannot remember When I stand atop the stairs, If I must go down for something Or if I've just come up from there. And before the...
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British citizens can now sponsor their own street spy camera
Now that there is at least one street camera per individual member of population in the UK, the government have announced a new camera sponsorship scheme. For a small stealth tax, members of the public will now be able to nominate their favourite...
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Robert Mugabe annoyed at unfair power sharing
Robert Mugbaby, president and dictator of Basketcaseland, formerly Zimbabwe, who acceded to world pressure and announced the dividing up of government posts on a fair and equal 50-50 basis between his Zanu-PF party and Morgan Tsvangirai's MDC opposi...
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Obama White Man
Barack Obama, is actually a white man in disguise the BBC special investigations team has revealed. Special investigative radio five reporter Donald McIntyke has revealed that this will be the whammy that wins the presidency for the democratic pa...
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England Fans Ashley Cole Booing Explained: Nothing To Do With Backpass
England football fans have been speaking on the subject of the booing Chelsea defender Ashley Cole received at their hands, during the World Cup qualifier against Kazakhstan last Saturday - and it seems that the reasons for it were nothing to do with...
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Meltdown at UK Charity
A leading high street charity shop looks set to close after it's shares plummeted. Oxham, founded in the 1960's by pop singer Tiny Tim, finds itself on the brink of collapse as the credit crunch hits hard. Dr Ernest Arkwright, a leading charity e...
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Belarus Side Includes Three Terrorists
England are expecting an explosive encounter in tomorrow afternoon's Group 6 World Cup qualifier against Belarus in Minsk, after it was revealed that three of their opponents are known terrorists. Andrei Mahmood, Karim Almunij and Tarkem Melshesh...
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Alistair Darling is a Werewolf
Shock news from number 11 Downing Street today when it was revealed that the Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair Darling, is a werewolf. Darling, 54, was bitten by a large animal whilst working as Secretary of State for Scotland in May 2006, pro...
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November 25th will happen
Leading Scientology proponent Tom Cruise (46) came out with a remarkable prediction today. "They day after November 24 will be November 25," Cruise said to the press outside his Beverly Hills mansion. "The Prophecy decrees it such." When asked...
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OJ Simpson convicted, vows to write 'If I did it this time' tell-all while in prison
OJ Simpson has been found guilty of 169 charges of armed robbery, conspiracy to kidnap and assault with a deadly badger by a court in the US city of Las Vegas. The armed robbery charges carry a mandatory jail sentence and kidnapping carries a pos...
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World Socialist Government Emerges as Solution to Global Economic Melt Down!
Karl Marx was right, it seems. Eventually the human race would reach the inevitable conclusion that cooperation and not competition would bring about the greatest benefits for the greatest number of banks and financial sideshows. Of course the PBS Children's perenial hit show had been trying to teach us that for generations. The part Marx got wrong was his prediction that the dictatorship of...
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Cartoon Mouse awarded Nobel Prize for economics as world monetary system collapses
American economist and sorcerer's apprentice Mickey Mouse has won this year's Nobel economics prize, it has been announced. The Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences said the award recognized his hard work during the Bush administration as chief advi...
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Barack Obama is actually a "White Dude"
National Enquirer, New York NY: The National Enquirer has obtained a copy of Senator Obama's student records from his undergraduate days at Columbia University. Senator Obama, then known as Mr. Barry O'Mara, attended a Michael Jackson concert in...
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CIA Agent Trailing Bin Laden Speaks Out
Washington - Retired CIA agent Richard Franko, who was undercover in Afghanistan for five years trailing Osama Bin Laden, has revealed his frustrations with tracking the world's most wanted criminal in his new book, I Think I Saw Osama. "To begin...
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