Pirates Snag Palin and Release Her Real Quick

Funny story: Pirates Snag Palin and Release Her Real Quick

In an unprecedented act of piracy, the Somali pirates under Captain Abdul Kissamabutt hijacked the GOP yacht, Good Ship Lollipop, and kidnapped Sarah Palin. Governor Palin was on a global good-will tour to reinforce her image as an internationalist...

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McCain claims he "assed" Britney Spears

Funny story: McCain claims he "assed" Britney Spears

John McCain, the Presidential candidate, has claimed to have "assed" Britney Spears. It seems by McCain to be an attempt to seem "less old" and less "abnormal" The revelation comes in the same week Liverpool Manager Rafa Benitez also claimed to "ass...

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Immodium to Merge with Jose Cuervo

Funny story: Immodium to Merge with Jose Cuervo

Initiating a big movement on Wall Street, the Immodium pharmaceutical brand, will be merging with the Cuervo Company to produce a hybrid tequila product which also aids in preventing diarrhea. A common leakage problem among irregular tequila dri...

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Sarah Palin Reveals Desire To Invade Russia

Funny story: Sarah Palin Reveals Desire To Invade Russia

BEDFORD-STUYVESANT, New York - One of Sarah Palin's high school friends, Wynonna Loretta Pittenhouse, has told 'The View's' Barbara Walters that Palin called her up last week and confided something extremely personal and private to her. Pittenhou...

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England Cricket Match Called Off Due To Sponsorship Confusion

Funny story: England Cricket Match Called Off Due To Sponsorship Confusion

The $20m cricket match between England and Sir Allen Stanford's Caribbean team is in doubt tonight after a confusing High Court ruling. The ruling was about sponsorship, but is extremely confusing, and nobody really knows the exact details of it.

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Latest Filipino robot workers for export, more user-friendly, ready for more abuse!

Funny story: Latest Filipino robot workers for export, more user-friendly, ready for more abuse!

The Philippines, the largest exporter of super robot workers, has made major improvements in its latest batch of the internationally known cheap ORW's (overseas robot workers). The new ORW's have undergone a series of tests that are used to determ...

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Chocolate That Reverses Tooth Decay To Be Launched

Funny story: Chocolate That Reverses Tooth Decay To Be Launched

Sixty years of scientific study finally bore fruit today when Belgian confectioners announced they have come up with a novel way to enjoy chocolates, AND maintain healthy-looking teeth - CHOCOLATE TOOTHPASTE! Belgians love their chocolates, and, a...

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NFL Replaces Ed Hochuli

Funny story: NFL Replaces Ed Hochuli

New York, New York (IPP) - The NFL has replaced Ed Hochuli effective immediately. NFL officials decided to replace the errant football referee after getting permission to do so from Las Vegas points spread directors. NFL president, Dempsey Dumpst...

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The Farce in Farsley - Players Speak Out

Following the match at Farsley Celtic on Saturday, the three Hucknall Town players sent-off in the first half have spoken out. The first recipient of a red card was centre-half Gary Sucharewycz who said "The first five minutes, the ball was in the...

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Baby Food tablets

Funny story: Baby Food tablets

Baby Food Scientists in Sweden have come up with an idea to keep the ood in tablets, which can then be easily and safely fed to babies. Professor Nappy from the Institute told us: 'This is a great idea, instead of mush in jars, or having to mash u...

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Boris Johnson's Dictionary

Funny story: Boris Johnson's Dictionary

London Major Boris Johnson is launching his own dictionary. The famous Labrador/Human cross said: 'Gosh. Crikey, Phwoar, Gosh, well ever since my great great great great Uncle Samuel launched his own dictionary, I thought I better do the same.'...

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Peter Andre's spray on tan

Funny story: Peter Andre's spray on tan

Aussie pop star Peter Andre has launched his own brand of spray on tan. Andre, a close follower of the career of Wham's Andrew Ridgeley said: 'The world needs more ranges of spray on tans. I know that it is not the same as a proper tan, you know,...

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The Guardian's Spell Checker

Funny story: The Guardian's Spell Checker

A recent search in the bowels of the offices of the Guardian have uncovered its spell checker. The machine was dusty, and was housed within a ZX Spectrum computer, which were popular with school kids in the 1980's. Mr Hackett from the paper told u...

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The Occasional Table that is always a chair

Funny story: The Occasional Table that is always a chair

Furniture factory and shop sized man trap, Ikea has launched a new product, set to take the western world by story. The new Gilligan range of flat-pack furniture has as its centrepiece attraction an Occasional table that is always a chair. Pro...

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Could You Be A World Leader? Take The Quiz

Funny story: Could You Be A World Leader? Take The Quiz

World leader quiz Answer these multiple-choice questions, and see if you could be a next world leader - the heads of state of America, Russia, France, Britain and Germany all refused to take the quiz, so here's your chance for glory: 1 - You're driving a golf caddie, and crash it into a tree. Do you: (A) not even notice you've crashed the caddie, even after security men have lifted the mach...

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Sarah Palin's Dream - To Move The Washington Redskins To Alaska

Funny story: Sarah Palin's Dream - To Move The Washington Redskins To Alaska

WASILLA, Alaska - Sarah Palin has told her husband Todd that when Johnny (McCain) wins the election that she will do her very best to convince him to move the White House from Washington D.C. to Anchorage, Alaska. She said that it would cut down...

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Wonkening Toothpaste Released

Funny story: Wonkening Toothpaste Released

A brand of toothpaste which blackens and de-straightens teeth has been released. The manufacturers say the new toothpaste has been in development for almost a year, and is being produced in response to growing demand from Americans, wishing to ble...

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Famous astrologer forsees Charles-Camilla scenario for Prince William-Kate Middleton. Secret Boleyn curse dooms their chances for wedded bliss!

Funny story: Famous astrologer forsees Charles-Camilla scenario for Prince William-Kate Middleton. Secret Boleyn curse dooms their chances for wedded bliss!

With speculation rife that Prince William and Kate Middleton are about to split, Royal-watchers are in a downright tizzy. After six years of dating based on an "understanding", Kate was horrified to learn that Wills has decided to put his RAF career...

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Mandelson to study Form Filling

Funny story: Mandelson to study Form Filling

Peter Mandelson is to take an intensive course in filling in Mortgage Application Forms before taking charge of Britain's economic crisis, a Westminster Aid revealed today. Mandelson was formerly employed as the Child Catcher in Vulgaria before b...

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Pressing Issues Left Unresolved at MilanoCon '08

KANSAS CITY, MO, USA - Despite a heightened sense of urgency brought about from the failures of the previous year, the 2008 Alyssa Milano Convention ("MilanoCon") failed to resolve any major issues targeted in the official agenda. The resultant stale...

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Former Mr Gay UK calls OJ for advice

Funny story: Former Mr Gay UK calls OJ for advice

A former Mr Gay UK slit his lover's throat then marinated his diced flesh with fresh herbs. Good heavens! There's only one thing poor Mr Gay UK can now do: (phone ringing…ringing…ringing…gets picked up) Gay: "Mr. Simpson, is that you?" Low Husky Voice: "Yeah, it be." Gay: "Mr. Simpson, I am your biggest fan. Because of your superb knife work, I was totally inspired to become a ch...

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OJ Simpson guilty on all charges in robbery trial

Funny story: OJ Simpson guilty on all charges in robbery trial

After 13 years since the 1995 brutal slashing murder of his ex-wife Nicole and her, ahem, "friend" whats-his-name, OJ "Onto Joliet"* Simpson was finally cleared of the (in the opinion of Judge Retort) ridiculously trumped up - fabricated even! - char...

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Amazingly Big Upcoming Bailouts!

Funny story: Amazingly Big Upcoming Bailouts!

Inspired by the American taxpayer's eager willingness to bail out anyone having a tough time ...and deeply humbled by the American taxpayers generous willingness to commit not just his own tax dollars for the rest of his life, but also to commit his children's and grandchildren's tax dollars ...and also posthumously his grandparent's and great-grandparent's tax dollars (but not as far back as s...

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Putin plans Russia's biggest anti-UFO missile test

Funny story: Putin plans Russia's biggest anti-UFO missile test

Moscow - (Plutonium 210 Mess): Russian Prime Monster Vlad 'The Impaler' Putin is planning his country's biggest UFO-nuking exercise since the Cuban missal (sic) crisis ordered by the Vatican in 1962. The hardline Arctic Circle operation has been s...

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Unbreakable Contestants Sue Channel Five

Funny story: Unbreakable Contestants Sue Channel Five

The Channel Five mega viewer-pulling sadistic reality television show 'Unbreakable' is being sued in a class action suit by a group of masochistic celebrity contestants after several actually ended up 'Broken'. Ross Crunt, who plays the resident h...

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MI6/KGB/Mossad traitor Guy Burgess's son to visit Prince Jefri Archer on Brunei freebie

Funny story: MI6/KGB/Mossad traitor Guy Burgess's son to visit Prince Jefri Archer on Brunei freebie

London - (OMFG! Mess): The love child of cold war UK traitor Guy Burgess and Raine, Cuntess (sic) Spencer - Princess Di's ex-stepmother - is off on a Foreign Orifice jolly to Brunei at the end of the month. Arthur Burgess, a.k.a. Charles, Pretende...

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Optimal toilet roll length

Funny story: Optimal toilet roll length

After several years of study, and twenty blackboards, scientists at John Lennon's University, Liverpool, England, UK, the Earth have finally discovered the optimal length of toilet roll required to wipe any backside. "Basically," said Professor Ro...

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Palin Draws Crowd of 60,000 in Florida

Funny story: Palin Draws Crowd of 60,000 in Florida

Sarah Palin drew a whopping crowd of 60,000 at a rally in Florida yesterday, causing quite a stir. However, it turned out to be Barack Obama wearing Palin look-alike eyewear! The crowd was completely fooled until someone suspiciously asked the...

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A Spoonful of Peanut Butter'll Cure What Ails Ya

Funny story: A Spoonful of Peanut Butter'll Cure What Ails Ya

This is the story of Jeffrey and Emil, two schoolboys basking in the warm fall sun, which flitters through their classroom window. This peace and serenity however was not long to last. Jeffrey sat at his desk, listening to Emil's dripping nose. "Drip, drip, drip," came the gross irritating noise. About once every five seconds or so, Jeffery reckoned. After a while, it all became too mu...

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Analysis of Palin's Popularity

Funny story: Analysis of Palin's Popularity

Recent poll reveals 90% of American men think Sarah Palin is heck-a-fine. The remaining 10% coincidentally are the 10% of American men who are gay.* Also, coincidentally, these remaining 10% think Todd is heck-a-fine and feel he is too over-dressed while snowmobiling. In other news, Todd has announced his new, secret Alaskan formula (with essence of caribou) brand name aftershave: 'Firstd...

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Flash back 150 Years> Utootaut Territory founded by Brothers Bringem Young and Bringem Rightaway

Funny story: Flash back 150 Years> Utootaut Territory founded by Brothers Bringem Young and Bringem Rightaway

Utootaut Territory was founded back in 1838 by stalwart and upstanding brothers Bringem Young and Bringem Rightaway after too many inconvenient delays and hassles back in Illinois with the 24-hour marriage license ATM's. They were soon joined by their many other brothers: Bringem Today, Bringem Tomorrow, Bringem Ontheweekend, Bringem Allweeklong, Bringem Daily, Bringem Hourly, Bringem Inahur...

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Scientists discover Led Zeppelin in Iceland

Funny story: Scientists discover Led Zeppelin in Iceland

In scenes emotive of great past discoveries, scientists have returned from Iceland with the astounding news that they have discovered Led Zeppelin in a second hand record store in the small town of Cretinink. The discovery was made after when a w...

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Boy Who Pulled Faces, Stays Like 'That'

Funny story: Boy Who Pulled Faces, Stays Like 'That'

A six-year-old boy in Oldham who can't stop pulling ugly faces, had a horrifying experience this week when, after pulling his ugliest face to date, he stayed like 'that', just as his Mum had warned him he would. It wasn't as if his Mum, Jackie, ha...

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World's Tallest Building Is Now In India

Funny story: World's Tallest Building Is Now In India

A new 'World's Tallest Building' has been built, this time in India. Rising to 740 metres, and surpassing the 162-storey Burj Dubai, it stands 170 storeys high, but its most notable feature is that it has been constructed entirely of Cow Dung. The...

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Iron Man Suit Tops Sales at Adult Websites

Funny story: Iron Man Suit Tops Sales at Adult Websites

Following the success of the original "Iron Man" movie release by Marvel Entertainment in 2007, a bold step was taken towards expanding their female fan base in conjunction with the video distribution hitting the streets this Fall. Realizing that...

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Man finds something to watch on daytime TV

Funny story: Man finds something to watch on daytime TV

A man from Exeter in Devon was said to be excited today when he found something to watch on daytime TV. The man who can't be named for fear of identity fraud (Eric Crunch, 4a The Street, Exeter, 01392 999911, 47 years old, National Insurance Numbe...

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Contentious White House Meeting

Funny story: Contentious White House Meeting

Judge Retort again with an exclusive White House press conference: The Judge: "Mr. President! Mr. President! Rumor has it that yesterday's meeting between you, the Speaker of the House, and top lawmakers discussing if the BAILOUT can work, was contentious!" The Pres: "Naw, it wasn't cont.. con.. co.. it wasn't uppity at all! I brought only one pistol and even made my secret service fel...

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Vice Presidentical Debate Planning

Judge Retort has learned that vice presidential hopefuls Paden and Bilin are planning their own debate of such hand-picked subjects as: * Which VP candidate is the sexiest? (...sheesh!) * Was television really around in 1929? * Was FDR really around in 1929 or was that already Eleanor, wearing his sexy eyewear? * Should the losing VP be entitled to...

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Al Gore to ban OXO Cubes

Funny story: Al Gore to ban OXO Cubes

Following his success at the Nobel awards, Al Gore, the self proclaimed saviour of our planet, has shifted his attention to carnivores who, according to a recent study, have perpetuated the rise in global temperatures significantly. The study, car...

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Wall Street Pulls Entire Stock Off Shelves Following Melamine Scare

Funny story: Wall Street Pulls Entire Stock Off Shelves Following Melamine Scare

Wall Street stopped all trading today when traces of melamine were found in several blue chip stocks. The NYSE began the day as usual with Mr Tu Bai, Chinese Chairman of White Rabbit Candy Company, ringing the opening bell. However, by 10:30 a.m. pan...

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Israel Asked USA for Green Light to Bomb Iran; Bush Rejected

Funny story: Israel Asked USA for Green Light to Bomb Iran; Bush Rejected

Following attempts from Israel to garner US support in helping them attack Iran, president Bush has stepped in and put his foot down in the matter. A statement from the State Department, ordered by the president, read: "The green light is tota...

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Teens Pledge Allegiance to Obama

"I pledge, for the time being, allegiance, unless I change my mind later, to the flag of the United States Treasury, and to the Republic Democrat for which it stands: one world Nation under God [ or whoever or whatever alleves your guilt ] indivisible unless cheaper by the dozen, with Liberty to do whatever feels good and Justice for all who voted for the correct candidate (duh winnuh!), to be pai...

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Results of the "Name B&Q" competition

Funny story: Results of the "Name B&Q" competition

For years, people have wondered what DIY superstore B&Q's initials stood for. After a variety of suggestions, such as Block and Quail and Been and Queued, Euan Sutherland admitted during his appointment speech that it does not actually stand for...

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Sarah Palin - Greek Goddess Reincarnation?

Funny story: Sarah Palin - Greek Goddess Reincarnation?

Sarah Palin is so phenomenally popular, drawing near-worshipful crowds wherever she appears, so completely in control, running the largest state of the Union - she could be a reincarnation of a Greek goddess! She could be Artemis! Or Athena! Or Aphrodite (just ask 90% of American men!) Or - dare I say it? - A trinity of all three! Is she Goddess of democratic republics, or the Goddess of re...

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Farsley Appoint Parsley

In a bold move, Farsley Celtic of the English Conference North football league moved rapidly to fill the void left by John Deacy's departure by successfully negotiating a temporary deal with Parsley the Lion from Children's TV show, The Herbs. "We...

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Russia threatens to seize swath of Arctic

Funny story: Russia threatens to seize swath of Arctic

In this tumultuous economic climate, some are seizing on the eternal value of gold, while Russia seizes on the eternal region of cold - the Arctic. Yes, laughing at foolish westerners archaically clutching gold to stabilize their future, Russia is...

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Prime minister appoints donkey as Lord Chancellor

Funny story: Prime minister appoints donkey as Lord Chancellor

Continuing his cabinet reshuffle, the Prime Minister has appointed Dobbin the Donkey as Lord Chancellor. Lord Dobbin is a very high profile donkey and has appeared alongside major stars of stage and television during his long pantomime career. Chr...

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Sarah of Wasilla Winked at Me!

Funny story: Sarah of Wasilla Winked at Me!

If you are anything like the guys down at the Shiftless Lightning Bar and Grill, you most likely won't believe me. But I have never been surer of anything in my whole life. I was sitting at home with the usual, jumbo bag of Ruffles, large onion dip and enough suds to wash down Thanksgiving dinner. Been looking forward to the VP debate ever since McCain had the good sense to choose a Milf to...

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Asteroid 2008 TC3 Appears on Time Over Africa

Funny story: Asteroid 2008 TC3 Appears on Time Over Africa

Sudan, Africa (IPP) - A bright fireball appeared over Africa just as predicted at 10:46 EDT or 0246 UT. The asteroid is designated as 2008 TC3 or 8TA9D69 by the International Astronomical Union (IAU). Dr. Povenmire Finootch, President for life...

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