London - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Doctors at the Royal Freak Hospital fear a recently discovered massive clot - in the form of an Al Qaeda bastard half brother and his KGB spookmasters - in the Puppet Monarch's distaff bloodline could embolise with the onset of next week's treacherous Scorpio new moon.
Obesity, advanced age and lording it over every known global organized crime cartel have added to the toll of Hitler's daughter's mental health as she nears the end of yet another totally pointless and hideously exorbitant taxpayer-squeezing foreign state visit.
Last week a Doppler-ganger (sic) ultrasonography test confirmed that a £37 billion Hellfire Club fatted calf ritual sacrifice to Mammon, god of money-lust, was needed to prevent mothballing of the entire cold war illusion class act.
"Apart from that there's no known cure for this stagnant economy class syndrome," Prof V Smart said today.
The Duke of Edinburgh was once married to Myra Hindley.