Biden Denies Wearing Codpiece In Sanders Debate
BILLINGSGATE POST: Joe Biden is famous for having a mouth that writes checks his ass can’t cash. After introducing President Obama at the signing ceremony for healthcare reform, he turned and embraced his boss while whispering into Obama’s ear: “T...
Read full storyIdiot spending an hour washing his hands every day
Idiot, Wayne Hemmings, from charming village Mithering on the Trent, spends the first hour of every day washing his hands. 'The way I see it,' said the blithely-ignorant muppet, 'if I spend the time I am meant to be washing my hands and do it all...
Read full storyWatch Brian Asshat's guide to Paper-Clip curation on Youtube
Chutney on the Fritz's famous resident, Brian Asshat, has launched his own video on Youtube, the world's first, and, perhaps only, guide to paper-clip curation. 'I noticed something,' said the charming 64-year-old, 'that a lot of people were launc...
Read full storyDonald Trump has begun to lick the cactus
American president and self-proclaimed smartest man in the world, Donald Trump, has begun to lick the cactus that Barack Obama left for him as a leaving present. White House staffer, Bigly Sosoon, said: 'We only have three cacti in the White House...
Read full storyDrug Cartels Convert To Growing Toilet Paper
BILLINGSGATE POST: Chico “El Toker” Guzman, son of El Chapo and titular head of the Sinaloa Cartel, the largest drug cartel in the world, announced today that they would be converting all of their farms and labs to growing toilet paper. El Toker,...
Read full storyNightmare Coronavirus Succession Scenario Could See Meghan Crowned Queen
The Prince of Wales has tested positive for coronavirus, Clarence House has announced, resulting in a revised succession schedule that could see Prince Harry and Meghan Markle being crowned King and Queen, while living abroad in Canada. Prince Ch...
Read full storyCasualty And Holby City Doctors And Nurses To Assist NHS In Battle Against Bug
As the situation in the UK's beleaguered hospitals approaches a critical state, the government has stepped in, and asked the staff of both Casualty and Holby City to help out in their battle. The BBC, which has control over the doctors and nurses...
Read full storyDuring Lockdown, Helen Mirren dresses as the Queen
Acclaimed Britsh thespian, Dame Helen Mirren, will dress as the Queen, during the lockdown, it has been announced. Since winning many awards for dressing as the Queen, Mirren will, during the next few months, dress as Queen Elizabeth II. This is d...
Read full storyCouple arguing over the last Rollo
Today in Mithering on the Trent, married couple Shane and Sindy Walsingham are arguing over who has the last Rollo. The argument is now in its third day. Shane said, 'I love Sindy, I really do, but I like Rollos as well, and as we don't know when...
Read full storyCoronavirus Continues to Mutate in People’s Minds
While the flu-like coronavirus continues to afflict people around the world with coughing, fatigue, and occasionally even a fever, the virus itself continues to mutate at a rapid rate - at least in people’s minds. “Did you know it can survive on c...
Read full storyEverybody feeling that they are the odd one who never leaves the house
There is confusion around the world, as everyone is now feeling like the odd one who never leaves the house. Noted social expert, Gussie, said on Facebook, 'I feel like Boo Radley right now. I never leave the house, and everyone thinks I am a bit...
Read full storyMan Just Wondered If It Was Worth Ordering Anything From Amazon, At This Late Stage
A man who was thinking of ordering some medical face masks from an online supplier on Amazon, hesitated at the last moment when it occurred to him he might die before they arrived. Moys Kenwood, 56, has been pacing around his house for nine days,...
Read full storyMany Grocery Stores Are Hiring Security Guards Just For Their Toilet Paper Aisles
CHEYENNE, Wyoming - MTV is reporting that many grocery store chains are now having to hire extra security guards. They note that due to the extreme shortage of toilet paper they are seeing more and more incidents of violence among the shoppers.
Read full storyTrump Simply Goes Berserk When Reporters Ask Him Gotcha Questions
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Since President Donald Trump will no longer be able to have his never-ending political campaign pep rallies, he has become very moody, downright depressed, and is stress-eating (as many as five Big Macs per day). He actually wan...
Read full storyWith Disneyland Now Closed, Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and Snow White Have Joined The Ever-Growing List of The Unemployed
ANAHEIM, California – Trump’s COVFEFE-19 Flu has now affected the Wonderful World of Disney. The Oxnard Obligatory Observer is reporting that over 85 Disney cartoon characters have been laid off including Jack Be Nimble and Lady Godiva. One Dis...
Read full storyDemi Lovato To Pay For 10,000 Trump Campaign Buttons
LOS ANGELES – Well, once again it’s a presidential campaign year, and, this year, popular pop star, Demi Lovato, who claims to be related to French actress Brigitte Bardot and wrestling legend Bill Goldberg, is jumping into the fray with both feet.
Read full storyPrince Harry and Meghan Markle Say Good Riddance to the World of Royalty
LOS ANGELES – Well Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are now no longer considered royalty. Queen Elizabeth has stripped them of their Buckingham Palace titles and amenities including their royal name tags. The lovely couple will now be known simply a...
Read full storyWhat Does Donald Trump Do All Day?
Investigative reporters have been asking the same question: What does Donald Trump do all day? The answer was confirmed. Trump doesn't do very much of anything. He gets up in the morning, puts his makeup on, does his hair, tweets, eats breakfa...
Read full storyContortionist Still Contorted
An amateur contortionist was still in hospital last night, after attempting a new contortion that had never been tried before, and from which the unfortunate chap couldn't escape. The contortionist, who hasn't been named, was 'practising' his cont...
Read full storyMan's Week Goes According To Plan
With all the frantic uncertainty surrounding the outbreak of the deadly Coronavirus relentlessly hounding us in our daily lives, there was some respite for one man this week, when his time went more-or-less according to plan. Moys Kenwood, 56, was...
Read full storyRabbit Isn't Looking Very Well
A pet rabbit that gave birth to four baby rabbits a few months ago, but then had the misfortune to have all four of the kittens die on her, is looking not particularly well this morning, and may be coming down with something. The story of the birt...
Read full storyTinder Adds New “COVID-19 Positive” Option For Users
SAN FRANCISCO - In a bid to stay relevant during the recent global pandemic, the popular dating app, Tinder, has added a new option for those testing positive for COVID-19. “At Tinder, we have a simple mission – that everyone deserves the opportun...
Read full story