Many Grocery Stores Are Hiring Security Guards Just For Their Toilet Paper Aisles

Written by Fannin Fabriano

Wednesday, 25 March 2020

image for Many Grocery Stores Are Hiring Security Guards Just For Their Toilet Paper Aisles
This is one of the few Krogers in America that sells Buffalo Burger Patties and Bison Pizza.

CHEYENNE, Wyoming - MTV is reporting that many grocery store chains are now having to hire extra security guards.

They note that due to the extreme shortage of toilet paper they are seeing more and more incidents of violence among the shoppers.

One individual who was shopping at a Krogers was seen biting the elbow of an elderly woman who had reached for the same TP package that he was reaching for.

Luckily for the woman a good samaritan who witnessed the incident was able to pry open the man’s jaw and remove the elderly woman’s elbow out of his frothing mouth.

Another shopper who described herself as a King Trump supporter was seen opening a package of Northern TP and literally stuffing two rolls inside her granny panties.

A store clerk saw her and reported her to the security guard who told her to take them out of her crotch region.

She refused. He fired a warning shot up in the air and the woman got so scared that she took the two rolls out of her panties, tossed them on the floor, and took off running towards the frozen food section.

She was tackled by a merchant who was delivering bread and held until the security guard could take her into custody.

He put her in handcuffs and as she was being led away she began shouting that Trump is the most handsome and sexiest president she has ever seen and that she wants to have his baby.

The guard told her to shut the eff up or he would have to shoot her in the foot.

IN OTHER NEWS – Manhattan is cancelling this year’s annual Bring Your Pet To Work Day.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more