Coronavirus Continues to Mutate in People’s Minds

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Wednesday, 25 March 2020

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Mona Morris is one of many desperate to be tested for the deadly, flesh-eating coronavirus.

While the flu-like coronavirus continues to afflict people around the world with coughing, fatigue, and occasionally even a fever, the virus itself continues to mutate at a rapid rate - at least in people’s minds.

“Did you know it can survive on countertops for over seventeen hours?” said Candace Martin of Nashville, Tennessee. “That’s longer than most viruses – and almost as long as the germs from the uncooked meat I regularly prepare.”

Randall Hollis of New York City also has noted the fast-paced changes undergone by COVID-19 in his own head. “At first, I just thought it was like a bad cold, but now I realize it’s the worst thing to ever hit humanity. This is the real deal folks – the time for action is now.”

Of course, Hollis went on to explain, the “action” necessary to address COVID-19 is actually inaction: never leaving the house, shunning all human contact, and, most importantly, avoiding elevating the heart rate, such as through exercise.

And Mona Morris of Boston, Massachusetts, was the first to report that the coronavirus now seems to be a flesh-eating virus that also targets the brain and makes people go insane. “It’s like Alzheimer’s but all over the body. Really nasty stuff. And there’s no treatment.” She shook her head ruefully. "And I'm pretty sure I've been exposed. I want to get tested, but there aren't enough tests. Even for people like me, whose life hangs in the balance."

That being said, Americans are encouraged to remain optimistic as the nation comes together to face the most widespread, insidious, and severe pandemic in human history – and, most of all, to trust in the media and the government to guide them through this existential human crisis.

“Thank goodness we have leaders we can trust,” said Morris. “I don’t know where we’d be without them.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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