Andy Murray beats Hurricane Earl in straight sets at the US Open
Andy Murray took on the forces of Mother Nature today in his second round match in the US Open, and won. Hurricane Earl, ranked 115th in the World was no match for the Scot who played some majestic tennis against the Category 4 storm to beat him i...
Read full storyBig Brothers Nadia, time of the month
Yes that's right, you heard it here first, well, maybe second or third, but according to "some" other house mates in the Big Brother house on Friday night, the Madeiran born reality television star, best-known for being the first transsexual winner o...
Read full storyPattinson Challenges Stewarts Co-Star To Duel
Robert Pattinson was furious when he walked in and discovered girlfriend Kristen Stewart in bed with her "On The Road" co-star, Viggo Mortensen. A source said "He lost it completely. Took his gloves off and slapped Mortensen around the face with t...
Read full storyJesse Jackson Claims Tea Party Racists Stole His Cadillac....In Detroit!
Race Baiter and Hate Monger the Reverend (sic) Jesse Jackson today claimed that the perpetrators who stole his Cadillac Escalade while he was at a Detroit Strip Club "must have been those White Tea Party Racists!" Jackson, in town to meet with Gov...
Read full storyGod annoyed at Hawking
God reportly is sulking over the statement that he doesn't exist, after eminent scientist Stephen Hawkings' recent revelations that he didn't create the universe, let alone in six days. God has moaned that it just isn't fair. "No matter what I do...
Read full storyDavid Cameron 'I'm not gay and neither is my friend Nick Clegg'
Prime Minister David Cameron announced today that he is definitely not a gay MP. No way, not a chance matey because he doesn't fire blanks unlike other ex Tory leaders. As he posed proudly for photographs with his wife and their new baby Borisina...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan Appears In "Machete" And Steals The Movie With Her Nude Scenes
HOLLYWOOD - After what seemed like a long, long time Lindsay Lohan has finally made a motion picture. She starred with the movie's superhero Danny Trejo, along with Robert DeNiro, Jessica Alba, Steven Seagal, Don Johnson, Michelle Rodriguez, Clor...
Read full storyThe Stig tried to spend a night with William Hague
William Hague was facing another scandal after it emerged that The Stig had attempted to spend the night with him in a hotel near Oswestry. According to newspapers, the Stig - anonymous and fictional star of Top Gear - had posted on his Blog (know...
Read full storyFlorida Strengthens Northern Border
Because of the threatened influx of retiring baby boomers, Florida's Governor Christ has decided to strengthen the state's northern border with Alabama and Georgia. At present there are only ten entry checkpoints found at Interstates 75, 95, and 10 a...
Read full storyRush Limbaugh's Genome Mapped
J. Craig Venter, founder of The Institute for Genomic Research, announced that Rush Limbaugh's genome has been sequenced. In what Venter describes as an "atypical genome," Limbaugh was shown to have only 11,000 genes, roughly one-third that of humans...
Read full storyGod: "Some of My Best Friends Are Atheists"
The messages came yesterday in emails, faxes, letters to the editors, Robo calls, and bulletins to pastors all across the world. It was addressed to Christians with a caveat that other religions would be hearing shortly. The messages came from GOD!...
Read full storyTony Blair Book - The 'Missing' Chapter
SEN reporter Buffty Ginslinger, speaking from a den of Soho iniquity, swigging a large G&T and puffing on a Marlboro Lite in defiance of the smoking ban, informed Skoob Entertainment News that there remains in existence, a chapter from Tony Blair...
Read full storyPhone tapping scandal
A group of prominent people are demanding to know why their phones have not been tapped. 'It is extraordinary' said one 'I am a figure of importance and no one has tried to get my views on anything.' Journalists are puzzled too by the selection of...
Read full storyOdds plummet on Stephen Hawking meteor/lightning bolt fatal hit
London - (Pie-in-the-Sky/String Vest Theory News): The odds of Stephen Hawking being killed by an 'act of God' such as a meteor strike or bolt of lightning have shortened to 8/13Fav, according to online bookmakers Aintgottaprayer.con. The physicis...
Read full storyDipsh-t Paris Hilton Tweets Damning Evidence In Coke-Possession Case
Paris Hilton may be the stupidest person on Earth. But it is her vanity, in addition to her flaming, Megan-Fox-level stupidity that'll allow the Nevada District Attorney to convict her of Cocaine possession. You may recall that Hilton was arrested...
Read full storyNationals' Nyjer Morgan Voted World's Biggest A--hole
Nyjer Morgan, the 30-year-old Washington Nationals center fielder, has been voted the world's biggest a--hole by the Terrell Owens Foundation For A--holery In Competitive Sports, after ruining the career of Marlins catcher Brett Hayes. In the case...
Read full storyAlice Roberts And Miranda Krestovnikoff Told To Keep Their Kit ON!
TV presenter pair Alice Roberts and Miranda Krestovnikoff have a new set of fans who are happy for them to keep their clothes ON! As we have been reporting, both presenters of BBC's Coast have been exciting certain sections of the audience who bel...
Read full storyBlack kids in the US can't swim, why?
The US black population cannot swim, don't want to learn and have never bothered, WHY? A US survey has discovered that Blacks just don't like water (swimming in it) and tend to avoid swimming pools and lessons like the pest. A Professor at Yale...
Read full storyCongressman's death ruled suicide?
Police are not sure why a noted Congressman committed suicide early this morning. The first officer on scene stated at first they suspected foul play, but where informed later by Secret Service agents that it was suicide. "I gota hand it to the...
Read full storyBrown's Big Bang: Hawking explains
Professor Stephen Hawking has revealed that God does not influence the "big bang" however former PM Gordon Brown makes one whenever he passes wind. Hawking said that the energy released from Mr Brown's nether region could power a population the size...
Read full storyEnd Of The Road For Old Bridge Saying
Painters on one of Scotland's landmarks are furious that once their work is finished it will also mean the end of a grand old tradition. The men, working on the Forth Bridge, have almost completed a ten-year project to coat the steel work with a r...
Read full storyGovernment to sell Wales to reduce National debt
Due to immense public pressure, the Government have been forced to scrap plans to sell off the Port of Dover. The planned sale to Nord-pas-de-Calais regional council, which also owns Calais, was hoped to net over £350million for the Treasury. T...
Read full storyReality Show Dimwits Causing Rift in Cosmic Energy
If Freud's theory of libidinal flow having a huge impact on mankind is to be believed, it is no wonder the world is in such a mess today. The sexually-charged crap that has hit our televisions for the past few decades has accomplished what it set out to do, i.e. turn us all into reality television junkies. But deeper than that, and more disturbing, is the fact that it is causing a major rift i...
Read full storyMan's Head Explodes Whilst On Telephone To Virgin Media
A local man died while on the telephone to Virgin Media, a court heard today. The post-mortem hearing concerned Clive Pheebs, 43, who was attempting to report a fault on the line of a number he was trying to reach, when the death occurred. "Mr...
Read full storyCities Work Together To Enforce Customs Loophole
Two councils on the South Coast have joined forces after hearing of the horrors of the Isle of Wight and have announced that with immediate effect they are closing the borders except for "essential services". The Media Spokesman for both Portsmout...
Read full storyObamas to be godparents at Cameron baby's Autumn Equinox christening
London - (The Godfather): The White House has yet to confirm what is still an exciting but unsubstantiated rumor. But in London the news has spread like wildfire that Florence Rose Dandelion's godparents are none other than President Barack and...
Read full storySmoking Baby Has Kicked The Habit!
SUMATRA, INDONESIA - No, the baby hasn't kicked the nicotine habit, but he has stopped using intravenous drugs. Two-year-old Ardi Rizal, who smoked two packs of cigarettes a day, has broken his heroin addition, the Sumatra Daily News reported Thur...
Read full storyTop 40 Show To Introduce Fillers
The singles chart has been forced to amend its rules and introduce fillers into its landmark mainstream pop chart after bowing to pressure from Simon Cowell and allowing songs of just 30 seconds to qualify for chart releases. Cowell, creator of sh...
Read full storyFederal Government Employees Get Day Off
WASHINGTON, DC - White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced today that all federal government employees will be given today off to recover from the Hurricane Earl threat. "The magnitude of the threat caused grave concern for our family of...
Read full storyBlack holes smell of fish
It has been a long held belief that, apart from the hypothetical Hawking radiation, black holes emit nothing. However, a new mathematical model from theoretical cosmological physicist Jan Anity, has shown that one other thing can escape the phenomena...
Read full storyUK households forced to take in asylum seekers
The problem of immigration and asylum-seekers continues to dominate the news, not least the problem of where to locate the large numbers of applicants, whilst their individual cases are being processed. A leaked government document suggests that e...
Read full storyDictionary Workers "Too Slow"
Word experts working on a new dictionary have been told that their efforts probably won't be printed. 80 lexicographers are beavering away preparing the next edition of the Oxford English Dictionary - OED3. But publishers have warned them that...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - New postage Stamp Depicts the Island
The Post Office are set to issue a new range of stamps for avid collectors everywhere depicting the islands of England and Wales. It was determined that there were too many islands in Scotland to use those. The Isle of Wight will be the face of the f...
Read full storyAlex Reid teaches step-son Harvey to cage-fight
Cage-fighter and wannabe celebrity Alex Reid, has caused outrage today as it emerged that he has been secretly teaching his step-son Harvey, to cage-fight. 8 year-old Harvey is the son of Reid's wife, Katie Price and former footballer Dwight Yorke...
Read full storyHarry Redknapp is not a 'Wheeler Dealer', he is a Football Manager.
White Hart Lane, London: 'Wheeler Dealer' Harry Redknapp has told the international Sport Media, that he is a Football Manager! At the launch of a new rock and roll song, dedicated to Harry Redknapp, the 'cuddly' Wheeler Dealer Harry was in no mo...
Read full storyMan With World's Largest Penis and Lindsay Lohan Link Up for Remake of "Deep Throat!"
Hollywood's Out of Control Wild Child Lindsay Lohan, fresh out of rehab, confesses she's ready to calm down and prepare for her newest X rated movie role with shooting ready to kick off early in November. Lohan says she has finally confronted he...
Read full storyWas Guido Fawkes Gay?
Rumours are spreading through Westminter that the famous Guido Fawkes dubbed 'the only person to enter Parliament with good intentions' was gay. Evidence for this allegation is mounting. He went to Public School a definite indicator, he stayed in...
Read full storyCourt Action Shrinks Buses
A sleepy town in Hampshire is reeling at news that their new bus link has been trashed from the Court of Appeal. Hampshire County Council are pressing forward with a new 3 mile bus lane between the towns of Gosport and Fareham but have admitted th...
Read full storyLady Gaga head of international vuvuzela smuggling racket. Bulge explained.
As authorities across the globe attempt to stem the seemingly endless wave of vuvuzelas making their way into the homes and hands of sports fanatics and other children, they have recently met with some success, thanks to an undercover operation invol...
Read full storyBank Prepares To Leave - Only £5 Notes Left
Now that the Government's independent banking commission is looking at reform in the industry, banking giant HSBC has announced that it intends to increasingly replace £20 Notes with the smaller £5 denomination as it runs down stocks of the banknote...
Read full storyOne of the '72 Virgins' Has Been Waiting to Get Laid for 54 Years
RIYADH PROVINCE, Saudi Arabia--In this arid part of the Desert Kingdom lives Ghaniyah Hisen, whose name means "beautiful," but apparently Arab men haven't read the memo, because the woman has gone without a man her entire 54 years. "Would it kil...
Read full storyPrince Charles: "Wear More Old Clothes!"
Prince Charles has urged the public to wear more recycled clothes in an attempt to reduce the world's carbon footprint. In order to put (very little) money where his mouth is, Chaz regulary shops,incognito of course, in numerous High Street charit...
Read full storyStephen Hawking says "there is no such thing as a free i-Pad"
Stephen Hawking has been stirring it up quite a bit just lately with his denouncing god, preferring Subway to Quiznos, Coke to Pepsi and kicking the living shit out of Alex Reid by running him over with his electric powered charabang in a cage fight.
Read full storyStephen Hawking: God not responsible for athletic victories.
LONDON, U.K.-Renowned physicist Stephen Hawking makes a controversial claim in his new book The Grand Design that God is not in any way responsible for events transpiring in the world of athletics. Hawking's new theory argues that the failures or tri...
Read full storyStephen Hawking - "How I created God with some string and a black hole"
Incredibly brainy scientist guy Stephen Hawking has revealed in his latest book how he created God. Hawking, who invented the mobile phone, the satellite dish, the Internet, wheelie bins and bendy buses, but didn't invent Facebook, reveals how he...
Read full storyBlair's Book faces plagiarism accusations
Former Prime Minister, part time dinner-speaker and full time liar, Tony Blair, has been accused of plagiarising other works for his autobiography. Blair's book entitled, "Blair Today: Gone Tomorrow" has shot straight to the top of worldwide best...
Read full storyBorder Patrol Racial Profiling?
The US Federal Government is looking into allegations that the US Border Patrol has been engaged in Racial Profiling. After several complaints from Hispanics found wondering in the desert along the border of Arizona and Mexico, the Federal Government...
Read full storyCalifornia National Guard placed along US / Mexico border
The first of thousands of California National guardsmen have arrived at the border of Mexico and Arizona. The guardsman will take up post along the border and around known illegal trafficking trails and are under strict orders from the Federal Govern...
Read full storyWilliam Hague defends self over gay rumours
Foreign Secretary, William Hague, made his first public appearance today, after the resignation of his "special adviser" over rumours of a gay relationship between the two. "We didn't have any kind of romantic relationship. I'm not a romantic per...
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