J. Craig Venter, founder of The Institute for Genomic Research, announced that Rush Limbaugh's genome has been sequenced. In what Venter describes as an "atypical genome," Limbaugh was shown to have only 11,000 genes, roughly one-third that of humans in general. "Surprisingly," said Venter, "this is the same number found in the nematode, or roundworm, one species of which can be found in the gut of infected dogs."
Venter would not comment on the significance of this finding, saying only that Limbaugh could represent a danger to higher animals should they ingest any tissue fragments that slough off his body. "Of particular concern are domestic animals, especially canines, that are known to lick bare skin," said Venter. "You wouldn't want Rover to have a Limbaugh growing in his gut. Nematodes do reproduce asexually rather than "bud" off new individuals, as do hydra. But a danger does exist. And remember, we have entered a vast unknown in the person of Limbaugh." When asked if humans were at risk, Venter replied, "Very unlikely. After all, who would want to lick Rush Limbaugh?"
Except for his girth, Limbaugh appears to bear an uncanny resemblance to the typical human male. However, his tendency to bounce up and down when agitated is inconsistent with adult human behavior. America's leading psychologist, Dr. Phil (drphil.com), offers up this explanation: "Without a doubt, Rush Limbaugh is missing genetic material present in higher animals. In particular, his amygdala, that region of the brain controlling behavior, is likely to be shortchanged. It would be unfair of me to compare his conduct with that of a territorial great ape, but the parallel is certainly there."