Nationals' Nyjer Morgan Voted World's Biggest A--hole

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Friday, 3 September 2010

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Nyjer Morgan, the 30-year-old Washington Nationals center fielder, has been voted the world's biggest a--hole by the Terrell Owens Foundation For A--holery In Competitive Sports, after ruining the career of Marlins catcher Brett Hayes.

In the case of Brett Hayes, Morgan perpetrated an a--hole move by slamming into the Marlins catcher Brett Hayes at home plate, leaving Hayes with a separated shoulder.

"It was entirely unnecessary," according to everyone that watched the game. "He would have been safe if he Moonwalked across the plate.

Did You Know?

That Tom Cruise, Jose Canseco, Laura Bush, Elmo, Britney Spears, and Mother Theresa were former A--holes of the Year winners?

This douchebaggery comes hot on the heels of Morgan's run-in (tee hee) with a catcher. He went out of his way to bump St. Louis Cardinal Bryan Anderson last weekend as he ran home on a double in the eighth inning.

Oh, by the way, Morgan forgot to touch the base and was called out for the play. A--hole.

Of course, the Marlins were out for a pound of flesh when pitcher Chris Volstad plunked Morgan with a pitch in the fourth inning. (That's the way baseball works, friends.) Morgan took his base and promptly stole second and third; completely unnecessary, because Marlins were leading by 11 runs. But, you know, he is an a--hole.

In Morgan's next at bat, Volstad threw the first pitch behind him. (Take that, f--ker.) Morgan promptly charged the mound, where he was met with a beautiful, WWE-inspired clothesline from onrushing Marlins' first baseman Gaby Sanchez. Mayhem and a bench-clearing brawl ensued.

Morgan left the field with his arms raised, like a boxer celebrating a victory. Dick.

Today, the Nats confirmed that Nyjer Morgan has been suspended eight games for conduct unbecoming of a non-a--hole. He was already slapped with a seven-game bid for throwing a baseball at the head of a Phillies fan Aug. 21 at Citizens Bank Park, after Morgan was heckled by fans.

"I'm thinking Volvo XC90, with heated leather seats," said the 25-year-old Philadelphia-area victim of Nyger-violence, when asked what he is going to buy with the money he'll be awarded when he sues the sh-t out of Morgan. "If not, then an E-Class Mercedes.

Morgan will be given his award at the National A--holes of the year convention, held every year in Dunnellen, NJ, where every single traffic cop is a bigger a--hole than Morgan.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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