Prime Minister David Cameron announced today that he is definitely not a gay MP. No way, not a chance matey because he doesn't fire blanks unlike other ex Tory leaders.
As he posed proudly for photographs with his wife and their new baby Borisina he was forced to answer questions concerning his relationship with the man he likes to call his 'Deputy P.M.', Nick Clegg.
'Our relationship is strictly professional' he told reporters. 'We've never shared a room, walked hand in hand through Hampstead Heath or been spotted in Old Compton Street together'
'We speak to each other occasionally, usually over the phone I might add so not face to face and we disagree on just about every subject.'
'In fact you could say we're like an old married couple....er.....except we're not married and we're not planning on having any children either. Of course we can't - we're both men and I'm a bit too busy trying to run a country at the moment to think about having anymore kids.'
When asked to comment about William Hague, Cameron was caught off guard and said. 'William Hague? He's just not my type. Far too short and follically challenged for my liking.....Erm, sorry I mean, William is a happily married man to the delightful Fffffion so these rumours are completely untrue as far as I'm concerned. I think the idea that he would be able to bag himself a hot 25 year old stud is simply ridiculous.'
Meanwhile Nick Clegg was unavailable for comment but an anonymous close friend said, 'Nick feels exactly the same way about David as David does about Nick. One of them is very conservative and the other is very liberal and such differing characters could never get together and have an intimate relationship.'
'But who's to say that after a couple of drinks at this year's Christmas Party that they won't sneak off together for a game of hide the sausage'
'After all Nick's allegedly hung like a horse. And we all know how much David likes horses. He's fucking married to some bird who looks like one.'