Susan Boyle fanatics to open their own Plastics Factory
Two of the better known Susan Boyle fanatics have announced that they are to open their own plastics factory next month. They were so distraught over the US having run out of Red Plastic tablecloths that they have decided to invest some of their husbands' hard earned cash into building a new plastics factory. This factory will only manufacture RED PLASTIC TABLECLOTHS to be used to make into...
Read full storyCat Meows Like a Songbird
Boris, a 16 pound tabby from Eugene, Oregon, has caught and eaten dozens of song birds over the last nine years. During the last few years his meow has changed from a gruff kitty to a melodious meow with notes and cadence similar to the Western M...
Read full storyHighways Agency to Shut Down; Lack of Cones Blamed
The Highways Agency - the department responsible for closing Britain's roads - is to be forced to close. In a shocking revelation we have learned that the Highways Agency has run out of traffic cones and is even appealing to students, stag parties...
Read full storyRush Limbaugh Releases Lyrics To 'We Aren't The World '- To Be Played Before The Closing Ceremonies of the Winter Olympics
Florida - Rush Limbaugh has changed the lyrics to "We Are The World" to reflect his ideology. The video, to be shown Sunday, only on NBC, before the closing ceremonies of the Winter Olympics, will highlight superstars of the GOP. Sarah Palin, John McCain, Michael Steel, Mitt Romney, Bobby Jindal, Joe Lieberman (cause he came out yesterday as a Republican) and Rush himself will be proudly beltin...
Read full storyJay Leno Returns To The Tonight Show - His First Scheduled Guests Are Vanessa Hudgens, Kristen Stewart, and Deepika Padukone
HOLLYWOOD - Well after a month, or actually 17 days, the XXI Winter Olympic games have ended. And the city of Vancouver must now find a discreet way to send 48 tons of garbage, rubbish, condoms, broken ice skates, and Jack-In-The-Box wrappers over to...
Read full storyPaying Tax to be abolished say Tories
Following on from the scandal involving the the Tory donor Lord Cashcrop, the conservative party have tonight announced a change in their taxation policy. Anyone who earns more than £1billion pounds a year will no longer be required to pay tax.
Read full storyBrown: Third Way will Last 1,000 Years
In a long awaited press conference Gordon Brown, our beloved leader and saviour of mankind today announced New Labour's Plans for a fourth glorious term in office. In his speech he harked back to Labour's initial victory in 1997 by quoting from th...
Read full storySuBo To Record A Hip Hop Song With Kanye West Titled Fa Shizzle My Scottish Pizzle
MISSOULA, Montana - Hip hop, rap artist and sometime microphone snatcher Kanye West performed before a non-sell out crowd in Missoula's Bison Balls Auditorium. The auditorium which was built back in 1947, was named after the Montana dish more comm...
Read full storyThe XXI Winter Olympics End - Vancouver Announces The Number One Olympic Souvenir - Snowballs
VANCOUVER - The snow skis and ice skates have all been packed. The Chap Sticks have been put away in purses and pockets. And all of the red noses are just about returning to their normal color - off-white, except in the case of the Swedish team which...
Read full storyClint Eastwood Gets Off High Horse, Asks "Who Gave My Palamino Marijuana?"
Clint Eastwood is upset and thinks that the legalization of drugs in California has gone too far. After throwing a temper tantrum on the subject for twenty minutes, he got off of his high horse and asked "...and just who the Hell gave my palamino ma...
Read full storyWayne Bridge avoids John Terry's hand at the "Bridge", it PONGED!
Wayne Bridge is convinced he did the right thing by avoiding John Terry's hand at Stamford Bridge on Saturday. Wayne was quite aware where Terry has had his hand in the past (down the knickers of his partner, Miss Perroncel!) and thought it wouldn...
Read full storyJacob Zuma f*cked a puma
Cape Town - (Big Cat Mess): He's shagged his way through 99% of the Organization of African Impunity's notorious cougar population of desperate 40-something feral women. And this week South African President Jacob Zuma is after some tasty Brit mor...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson and the Bigfoot Film Controversy
Mr Magoo is so short sighted that the last time he went to the cinema he thought a woman at the other end of the hall carrying a white fur coat in front of her arms was the ice cream lady. Magoo's grandson Four Eyes Magoo is equally blind as a bat, i...
Read full storySuBo To Perform A Benefit Concert For The Wandering Cows of India
LONDON - Susan Boyle, one of Scotland's most famous citizens, was at Buckingham Palace having a spot of tea with none other that the queen of all queens herself, Queen Elizabeth II, or as stand up comedian Zydeco Dupree refers to her Lizzy 2. SuBo...
Read full storyWorld's Largest Game of Naked Twister Takes Place in Gymnasium
The floor was covered with row after row of red, blue, yellow, and green dots. The contestants wore only their sweatbands and socks. A man on the stage had his finger ready on the spinner. Judges along the walls were ready with clipboards in hand...
Read full storySuBo Flees Again As Subway Rider Sticks Out His Neck For Her
Susan Boyle should write down everything that's happened to her during the recent tour of the United States, especially in New York City. According to several of her fans, Susan was trying to do a few things on her own when she was recognized by s...
Read full storyRussian Olympic team return home and are banished to Siberia by President Medvedev!
The Russian President has welcomed his Olympic "Loser" Team home with a quick trip to Siberia, a short-sharp dose of stone breaking at -50 degrees, a diet of reindeer blood mixed with Siberian Rat meat and sprint swimming in the Artic Sea (BRRRR!).
Read full storyEurope Wonders: Which Head of State Will Marry Swedish Olympian Ivana Phuque
The Winter Olympic Games of Vancouver have concluded and the athletes are all leaving the village and heading home to their countries. The biggest question on the minds of many Europeans, however, is "which head of state will marry Swedish Skater an...
Read full storySuBo Tells Of Her Love For Pet Parrot
SuBo has spoken movingly of her love for her pet parrot. The Scottish singing sensation recently purchased the parrot from an unknown man who was suffering from an incurable fungal infection. The parrot is said to have a rather limited vocabulary and...
Read full storyLocal Boy Becomes a Man
When the mother of local boy Jimmy Rodgers awoke her darling son this morning for school she was in for a big surprise - little Jimmy had become a man. "I had just prepared his Coco Pops and orange juice and came up the stairs to make sure he...
Read full storyBuckingham Palace reveals political feelings
A source close to Her Majesty today revealed that when privtely asked what she thought of the possibility of a "hung Parliament" Her Majesty was quoted as saying - "Bloody good thing, I think they should all be hung" Her majesty went on to reveal...
Read full storySuBo In Plea To Cheryl And Ashley
Susan Boyle, the Scottish singing sensation, has made a desperate plea to Cheryl and Ashley Cole to try and save their marriage. Speaking at a special dinner organised by the Online SuBo Fan Club, the singer said "I just hope I'm not too late. They c...
Read full storyCojoined Twins Not Interested In Sex With SuBo
Percival and Buck Pissgums, a pair of cojoined (or co-joined) twins in the Royal Navy have turned down the opportunity to have a sexual liason with singing sensation Susan Boyle. "It's not that we're gay, like most sailors," said Percival. "It's th...
Read full storyGuaranteed Airline Seat for the Obese
The recent and highly publicized seat denial of an influential journalist on a Southwest flight raises anxiety in the would-be obese air travelling public. So you are a few pounds off the chart? You've still got a right to visit Mom or go on vac...
Read full storyScientists Discover Live Tiny Elephants in Siberia
A new diminutive elephant species -- or sub-species -- has been discovered in a remote plateau in Siberia. The elephants appearance is that of an African elephant fully grown at 3 ½' tall. Typically scientists find fossil and frozen remain...
Read full storyAging Alien Wants to go Home
Joe Johnsson, or Webo Nght, is 116 years old in earth time. Joe came to earth when he was 17 posing as a Danish immigrant and he passed for a Dane - accent, Norwegian wife, 6 feet tall with light brown hair. But Joe looks like he is 55 years...
Read full storySuBo Wrestling All The Rage In Japan
A new craze is sweeping Japan. SuBo wrestling is now the number one spectator sport. In SuBo wrestling two thirty-stone giants must attempt to push each other out of the ring, whilst singing classic musical songs in the style of Elaine Paige. One...
Read full storyThousands strip off in Sydney proving that humans are the ugliest species on earth!
Just to prove the fact that humans are, WELL, pretty ugly, generally, thousands of them stripped off their clothes in front of the Sydney Opera house and proved the point! Fatties, skinnies, pregnant women, beer-gutted fathers, balding women/men,...
Read full storyGordon Brown Unveils New Anti-Terrorism Strategy
The Prime Minister has revealed the new anti-terrorism strategy at the annual Labour Conference yesterday. Labelled ''The Five Finger Pointed Perpendicular Pre-emptive Prevention Placement Against Terrorism at Home and Abroad'' or Five P's in layman...
Read full storyPeter Andre: I Regret Fling
Peter Andre has talked for the first time about the regret he feels following the shock revelations at the weekend that he has been having a secret fling with international megastar Susan Boyle. Peter said, "I've been a fool. I got tempted, but wi...
Read full storyKiller Whales to be charged with Murder in future
Killer Whales or Orca's have to be charged with murder in future when they kill. The main problem is how to orchestrate the situation once they have committed the crime.Do we build bigger prisons and if we have a lot of Killer Whales charged with mur...
Read full storyObama Reveals The Hawaiin Tsunamis After Chile's Earthquake Destroyed His Birth Certificate
In the aftermath of the earthquake in Chile, monstrous Tsunamis (tidal waves) were projected to strike coasts all along the Pacific Rim. The worst of these were expected to strike Hawaii, causing panic as residents moved inland to higher ground.
Read full storyUseless Gifts 5 : Plant A Tree For Someone
Okay, this is just a complete bullshit gift. Anyone who gives you the magical fairy-tale gift of a tree being planted didn't really get you anything because they're cheap. The website would like you to believe that, "It's caring, thoughtful, new and different! It's environmentally safe and Easy to Order Everyone will love it! It's a unique way to say... Happy Christmas!" It's unique, all righ...
Read full storyAfter Adam Lambert Putdown, SuBo Strikes Back
After they were linked throughout 2009 as artists that burst onto the scene and captured the heart of music fans in wholly contrasting ways, Adam as a loud, peacock-dressing gay full of confidence, Susan Boyle was just the opposite. But after each...
Read full storySuBo Fans Hire Swedish Olympian Ivana Phuque To Help Susan Boyle With Her Image
Fans of SuBo (Susan Boyle) have hired the Swedish Olympian who captured the hearts of the world at the Vancouver Winter Games to help with the Image of their hero. While Boyle is recognized for being basically frumpy looking (to put it nicely), Ivan...
Read full storyUseless Gifts 4 : 9 Volt Battery
In theory, this isn't really a gift but a part of another gift that needs these batteries to dance and shout obnoxious catch phrases, but I'm pretty sure that somewhere, someone bought a pack of 9V batteries for their kid's present and that's all the poor little bastard is getting because eToys recommends this "gift" for 8-year-olds. And that is sad. Here's a list of things to do with a battery...
Read full storyArise, Lady SuBo?
Susan Boyle fanatics were last night campaigning to have her made a Lady, despite having been told 8 million times that it's impossible. A head campaigner stormed "I don't care about hundreds of years of tradition, or what the Queen says! I demand...
Read full storyAntarctica Ice Sheet Calves World's Largest Iceberg
Whitlandia,Antarctica Scientists Monday in a flyover determined that the floating ice cake is larger than the country of Australia, or is that a continent? The group described the ice island as large, white, coldish, standing about eighty five f...
Read full storySubo culture tells the world "nae mair crap!"
"Nae mair crap" Miss Boyle is reported as instructing her entourage, "I'm in charge now and nobody forget it." "No more subtitles on American TV shows, I speak English, just like them and they better get used to it. I've sold millions, that's many...
Read full storyUseless Gifts 3 : The Barbie Laptop For Kids
The website says this about Barbie's Laptop: "With this Barbie laptop, children get tutored by Barbie in essential first and second stage skills." Yeah, I think that's because that's as far as the stupid bitch got. Tell me, when someone mentions the phrase "intelligent toy," does Barbie even pretend to cross your mind before you get bored and stop caring? Of course not. Having Barbie teach l...
Read full storyCanada Still America's Hat Despite Olympic Victory
Canadians awoke to horror today, discovering that their thrilling Olympic victory over the United States has failed to dislodge their international status as That Hockey Country Just Above America. Experts say that barring the acquisition of nuclear...
Read full storyViking longboat charges up Thames estuary, sacks Tate Modern!
A roving band of the bearded Northern wanderers managed to slip through the NSMCS (North Sea Missile Command Shield)and sail unmolested up England's main river channel to molest the country's main modern art gallery yesterday. Slipping under the n...
Read full storyWar Criminal Heals Sick Man of Leprosy
Doctors and Scientists were left baffled yesterday when a prison guard made sensational claims that the top trump war criminal of the nineties Radovan Karadzic, had cured him of his leprosy. The guard, who cannot be named for legal reasons, state...
Read full storyAmerica's Chief Leprechaun Ben Bernanke says,"Gold is gone!"
The wily and inscrutable head of the Federal Reserve Bank said yesterday under oath to congress that the United States gold supply is now completely gone. Even a politician knows that Leprechauns are notoriously devious and almost impossible to pin d...
Read full storySugarbabes Change Name To Fructosegirls
The pop combo The Sugarbabes are to change their name to The Fructosegirls following a legal challenge by founding member Keisha Thingumajig. keisha is unhappy at being relegated to the ranks of former members of the group, now said to total over 500...
Read full storyDog Whisperer Prepares for Toughest Challenge: Taming Camilla During UK Tour!
Caesar Millan, the Mexican Millionaire, who made his fortune taming some of the planet's ugliest and worst tempered hounds, says he's ready to take on his biggest challenge after he answered a "Mercy Call" from Buckingham Palace concerning Camilla P...
Read full storyTony the Westminster Ripper Begins Bid for Parole
Tony Blair, the infamous Westminster Ripper, is to begin his bid for parole. Blair was sentenced to life in prison for his murderous attacks on the truth and he has already served one term in the political wilderness (the after dinner circuit). Campa...
Read full storyLittle Black SuBo (Sambo's Brother) Sues Susan Boyle For Trademark Infringement
For many years, Little Black SuBo and Little Black Sambo have lived in relative peace in their huts in a nondescript village of Kenya. Their quiet lives have been interrupted lately, however, due to confusion from the publicity machine that is the f...
Read full storyPalace fears for a Gen Pinochet-style arrest of polygamy nutter Jacob Zuma
London - (Rotters): Special Branch top brass are cock-a-hoop amid fears they have obtained an international arrest warrant to nab fetid South African polygamy nutter Jacob Zuma. The South African president arrives mid-week for a three day state vi...
Read full storyFat Bloke To Replace Sir Alex As Manchester United Boss
Manchester United are to part company with Sir Alex Ferguson. The Glazer clan have become impatient, arguing that the Premier League title has not been won this season. Ferguson is thought to have claimed that the season technically isn't over yet. S...
Read full storyCanadians Feel Good About Themselves in 2010
Capping off a brilliant week of hosted competition where Canadian athletes did well against the world's best, the cherry on top of that frosty ice cream sundae came from the gold medal hockey game and overtime win against the Americans. Often feel...
Read full storyVictoria Beckham Takes Herself Out of 'World Cup' Competition with Breast Reduction!
Victoria Beckham, the former Posh Spice Girl, is busy trying to establish a new image as a Flat Chested Business Woman in order to gain credibility with her "Brains over Boobs" campaign. The incredible inflating Posh, once described as a barely a...
Read full storyGordon Brown states that ''Fear of Fear'' reduces crime in the UK
Prime Minister Gordon Brown has urged police forces to keep officers on the beat in an effort to reduce the public's "fear of crime" and that if the police actually spent more time tackling the fear of crime, the public would be less afraid of fear a...
Read full story''Bully Beef Brown'' and the New School Meals Menu
Bully Beef Gordon unveiled the new school dinners menu for children who are constantly bullied in UK schools. The menu, consisting of ''Bully Beef'' and two veg was designed by Labourite food guru Gordon Ramsey on bequest of the PM. Ramsey went on...
Read full storyBritish and Canadian Curlers admit defeat at Winter Olympics
The UK women's curling team were out on the razz in Vancouver yesterday. Joined by the Canadian women's curling team they managed to drink between them 3000 units of alcohol, well over the amount recommended by doctors. Olympic officials slammed...
Read full storyZac Efron To Star With India's Deepika Padukone In "The Taj Mahal Princess"
MUMBAI, India - Zac Efron and Deepika Padukone met with the Bollywood press to announce that they will be appearing in Faroog Kapoor's motion picture The Taj Mahal Princess. The movie will be filmed in the actual Taj Mahal and Kapoor has stated th...
Read full storyKatie Price: It Was A Set-Up
Katie Price has exclusively revealed the truth behind the secret love affair of her former husband Peter Andre. She informed the press this morning that she set Pete up by planting a secret lover within his circle of friends. Katie revealed how sh...
Read full storyBanzai TV programme revival with Wayne Bridge
Banzai the television programme where people bet on the outcome of strange bets is to make a comeback in the near future. Banzai still has a cult falling and people can see clips of the TV series on You Tube and on lots of Banzai Blogs on the inte...
Read full storyBill Clinton To Run For Governor of Louisiana
SHREVEPORT - Former President Bill Clinton has decided to run for governor of Louisiana. Clinton was in Shreveport attending a convention of The Society To Advance Cajun and Creole Folks To A Higher Level. Clinton told the assembled crowd that wh...
Read full storyNew Report Claims Tiger Woods Is Reportedly Addicted To Placebos
CHICAGO - A new report regarding Tiger Woods has just revealed that the golf legend - bedroom semi-legend did not check himself into a Mississippi rehab clinic for sexual addiction, as was widely believed, but instead he was there to cure his addicti...
Read full story5,200 Naked Australians Set A New Nude Group Record
SYDNEY - One of Australia's most famous photographers Spencoli Turnapelli has just photographed 5,200 nude Aussies to set the new world's record for most naked people in a photograph. Turnapelli was asked how in the world he managed to accomplish...
Read full storyKindles Protest Against Publishers Who Won't Let Them Speak, Vow Not To Shut Up
Angry Kindles, protesting against publishers who have turned off the text-to-speech function on some Kindle books, staged a demonstration on the steps of the entrance to the main branch of the New York City Public Library at Fifth Avenue and 42nd Str...
Read full storyPlot Uncovered! The Southern US States are "At It Again!"
Unnamed sources have revealed a vast conspiracy in the US South to break with the United States of America or more precisely to get rid of all the Northern States. The issue this time has nothing to do with slavery as such, but to preserve the So...
Read full storyHRH Prince Charles yacht aground in Hyde's Serpentine
Once again Charles Prince of Wales family pleasure yacht has become stranded in Hyde Park's Serpentine Pond. The Prince was out with a party of friends Thursday when the ship went aground near the North walking path. Onlookers rushed to the s...
Read full storyEssex Repo Man goes after Arizona's London Bridge
In a sad turn for the state of Arizona; their beloved London Bridge is set to be hooked up and towed back to its place on the Thames River, London. With the real estate market downturn the owners just weren't able to keep up the mortgage payments...
Read full storyStock market plummets, Treasury Department heads for waiting helicopters
In a frantic scene today occurring in Washington D.C. treasury officials could be seen streaming up a ladder to one of the final helicopter flights out of the beleaguered city. With the unending slump in the markets,the nation's money controllers...
Read full storyAfter Liam Kicked Out, Miley Cyrus Threatens To Leave So Justin Gaston Brought Back
After having her latest live-in Liam Hemsworth thrown out after a confrontation with her dad, Miley Cyrus was threatening to move out. So Billy Ray has called up Justin Gaston and a deal was worked out so that Gaston is back at the Cyrus home.
Read full storyLindsay Lohan Says She & Samantha Ronson Split Over Ronson Finding Candy Wrapper In Her Panties
Lindsay Lohan says that all the stories about her and Samantha Ronson getting into knockdown fights were ridiculous. "Samantha and I are still friends", Lohan told The National Sewer that came out Monday. "We did have some arguments and we are bot...
Read full storyFull body scanners used to divest Leprechauns of their gold
In a surprising twist, the new full body scanner technology has proved reliable in detecting which travelling Leprechauns are carrying gold coins on their persons. Airport screeners have already reaped a tidy sum by telling the Little People tha...
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