Useless Gifts 5 : Plant A Tree For Someone

Funny story written by p.doff

Monday, 1 March 2010


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Okay, this is just a complete bullshit gift. Anyone who gives you the magical fairy-tale gift of a tree being planted didn't really get you anything because they're cheap. The website would like you to believe that, "It's caring, thoughtful, new and different! It's environmentally safe and Easy to Order Everyone will love it! It's a unique way to say... Happy Christmas!" It's unique, all right. I wouldn't believe the part about everyone loving it though, unless the people you're giving the trees to smell like patchouli and are covered in a thick film of forest dirt and self-righteousness.

And do you think you're giving someone JUST a tree? Hell no, retard! You're also giving them :

A young tree planted in any State, Province or International Tree Planting Country. [I wonder how much work it takes a country's legislation to become an International Tree Planting Country. Even if it was easy, I'm pretty sure the only countries that would go for International Tree Planting status have serious image problems they'd like to resolve and this is their last-ditch effort. But guess what - no matter how many trees the French plant, the rest of the world is still going to hate them .

A framed 8" by 10" Official Certificate of Planting. [And the certificate says, "Ha ha ha, you stupid asshole. Thanks for the £39.95. I spent it on pot for my special lady. Man, I can't believe how god damned stupid you are for sending me money. Oh, and if you ever want to see your tree in person, it's in the Amazon in Brazil (which is one of our famed International Tree Planting Countries). Just walk into the jungle. It's the 43rd tree on the left." The rest of the certificate was just a list of words that mean "retard" written over and over.]

A Christmas Gift Card with your personal message. [The "personal message" the website put on their sample card can be ignored since 99% of all the cards given out will say something like, "Yeah, I got you a tree. I didn't know you could own a tree in a forest either, but now we're even for those reindeer socks you fucking gave me last year. Man, that was a horrible gift. You suck. Enjoy your tree, pussy."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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