Scientists Recommend That Oiled Birds Be Killed
A leading scientist from Europe has sent word to the activists that they should not attempt to clean up the birds that are coming back to the shore with all the oil on them. "I know it sounds cruel, but these birds are already dead." "We have d...
Read full storyComet McNaught to pass directly above Trooping the Colour
London - (Portents): The baleful harbinger of Hellfire Club doom will transit above Whorse Guards Parade, SW1 this Saturday morning at the precise moment of the Gemini new moon. Comet McNaught's resplendent trajectory should be visible to the nake...
Read full storyLatest On Transformers 3: Megan Fox, Michael Bay Kiss, Make-Up!
For a movie that won't be coming out until July 1, 2011, this one has more twists before the movie than in it. First Megan Fox was replaced by Victoria's Secret supermodel, Rosie Huntington-Whitely. Then Director Michael Bay went after two more of...
Read full storyOh, The Horror! Wrigley Mints Now Made In Canada, Not Chicago!
"Oh, the horror, the horror!" This is a quote from Heart Of Darkness by Joseph Conrad, the short story that inspired the movie Apocalypse Now. It is also a quote on the tongues of many Chicagoans when they found that their Life Saver mints, a product...
Read full storyUK Declares War On USA - DJ Tells Obama To Zip The Lip, Or Else.
Brit radio DJ James Whale appeared on TV today, quite angry about Barack Obama's continual bitching about the BP oil spill, criticising the President for making Britain look bad and embracing blame culture. Many observers agreed. Hugo Swizzlest...
Read full storyWorld Snake Population in Decline
Snakes are endangered worldwide and may be extinct by 2050, say wildlife experts. But, as zoologist Dr Patrick Sodderly points out, whilst they may be seen as evil poisonous slitherers, snakes are, in fact, a vital part of our world. According to...
Read full storyWhat's going on in Afghanistan?
Tuareg, Pashtun and Mongol are all ancient tribes who wander vast areas of nothingness. They don't own much, eat disgusting food and have all sorts of strange religious beliefs which were none of our business until some lunatics struck at the heart o...
Read full storyNazzi Nuns to Police Out of Control Cycle Lanes
The Vatican has announced that it is to supply an elite squad of very cruel nuns to Britain. The purpose of this gift is to train British cyclists to obey the rules of the road before the rest of the world comes to visit our Olympics in 2012. The...
Read full storyTony Hayward Smothers a Denver Omelette in Blackstrap Molasses
Tony Hayward sat down to tell some lies over breakfast, then ended up drenching his Denver omelette with thick, black syrup, said a source. Studies show Hayward's company, Blackwater Petrol, has likely been shoveling bullshit the American public's...
Read full storyMillion Nun March Falls Short Of Expectations
The "Million Nun March," a protest march on Washington D.C., failed to meet expectations this week in the nation's capital. Of the thousands of Catholic diocese, parishes, and convents, a grand total of three nuns showed up. The protest, modelled...
Read full storyPope Benedict XVI Has The Hots For Susan Boyle!
The Pope has used the divine cell phone to call upon angel voiced Susan Boyle to perform for him when he visits in September. The Pope has a crush on the velvet tones of the 49-year-old star and has invited her to sing as part of a public mass in...
Read full storyAmerica's Got Talent: Comedian Doogie Horner Heckles The Entire Audience and Comes Out on Top
NEW YORK CITY - They say that New York audiences are hell on comedians, and the audience on America's Got Talent certainly did nothing to disprove that axiom. A 30-year-old graphic designer Doogie Horner strutted out onto the AGT stage looking lik...
Read full storyNew Hindenburg Theory
Ex-US President George W. Bush has now released a comment that the Hindenburg disaster was the work of a early form of Al-Qaeda and has asked President Obama to launch a full enquiry into the event that happened 73 years ago. The former President...
Read full storyMadonna in African school scandal
Madonna has been critisised world-wide for, after donating money to a Rwandan school, visiting it during a recent visit to the continent for charity, and asking the teacher showing her around "How much would one child be" as she pointed towards the p...
Read full story'Other Teams' to compete in World Cup
Reports have recently surfaced in South Africa of a controversial plan by Fifa to give permission to 31 'other teams' to compete in the 2010 World Cup. According to the reports, these 'other teams' will be easily identifiable by their distinct lac...
Read full storyRussian witch doctor Vladimir Shpunt hoaxed million$ out of me$meri$ed McCourt$
Bloodyvostock - (One-Born-Every-Minute Mess): Kudos to the Kremlin's top psychic wackjob Vladimir Shpunt. A five year punt on Frank and Jamie McCourt's jaw-dropping gullibility has made him rich beyond his wildest ectoplasmic cravings. The form...
Read full storyBritney Spears' Accused of Molesting Her Long Time Bodyguard
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Long time Britney Spears bodyguard Fernando Flores, 57, [pronounced FLOWERS] is claiming that the blonde songstress made unwelcome advances and unwanted come on's towards him while the two were alone. Flores, who insists that he i...
Read full storyThe Coalition Opens Parliament Fudge Shop
'Cameron and Clegg's Fudge Kitchen' has now opened in Parliament, following the Queen's Speech. It boasts the largest number of fudges in Britain. Co-Proprietor, David Cameron explained how the shop works: "It's an exciting new coalition concept,...
Read full storyElin Woods Clubs Tiger's Balls
A very upset Elin Nordegren Woods apparently used a Big Bertha driver on Tiger Woods late last night, after he tried to get custody of their kids by telling social workers that he was on a chemical castration drug and that he would be staying with th...
Read full storyCapello bans "Gay Daily Express" photographer from shooting his stars in the showers!
In an unprecedented show of aggro, Fabio Capello, England Manager, (you should know that by now!) was seen banning several press photographers from outside the England's team showers. The press were allowed in after a training session including...
Read full storyIt's Coming Home! - England Goes World Cup Bonkers!
It's coming home! That's official, confirmed today by FA spokesman Swine Goring-Derrickson. The England team bus will be coming home whatever the outcome of the 2010 World Cup finals in South Africa. "Oh yes, you can count on it," Goring-Derric...
Read full storyThe Pornographic Film "Tongue In Cheek" Starring Ron Jeremy and Michelle "Bombshell" McGee Named Best Porn Picture of The Year
COPENHAGEN, Denmark - The Danish Pornographic Motion Picture Guild has just named the film Tongue In Cheek as The Best Porn Movie of The Year. The movie which stars Ron Jeremy and Michelle "Bombshell" McGee was shot in location in and around Cabo...
Read full storyGeorge Bush Makes New Home on the Moon
George W. Bush today spoke of his excitement after his first week on the surface of the Moon. The former President emigrated with wife Laura to Earth's nearest neighbor in an attempt to counter his weight problems after his unhealthy diet saw him bal...
Read full storyBig Brother Suicide Bid
The world is in shock this week when Big Brother, whom is only 9 years old, was found in the bathroom after another attempt to commit suicide, with its ratings in the toilet and its dignity going straight down the drain; it wasn't a pretty sight to s...
Read full storySenator John McCain Says The Rumors About Him Having Carnal Knowledge of The Jersey Shore's "Snooki" Are "Bahooki"
PHOENIX - Senator John McCain, speaking from one of his wife Cindy's seven mansions has flat out denied that he has any carnal knowledge of "Snooki" aka Nicole Polizzi, who appears on the reality show The Jersey Shore. McCain, who will tell you th...
Read full storyThe Crossbow Cannibal Finds a Cross-Eyed Friend
Once a failure, always a failure. Such is life, it seems, for perennial loser The Crossbow Cannibal. He seems to be a bit shit at killing himself, despite proving to be adept at it when it comes to ordinary people - especially prostitutes. Afte...
Read full storyEnglish Hooligans Head For South Africa World Cup Disguised As Nuns
English football hooligans, not usually renowned for their intellectual capacity, are astounding critics with their cunning by heading for the World Cup finals in South Africa disguised as nuns. Our Africa correspondent, Singatme Ndumbastad caught...
Read full storyThe CMT Music Awards: Kid Rock and Carrie Underwood Steal The Show
NASHVILLE - This years edition of the Country Music Television Music Award Show had more surprises than usual. Detroit resident Kid Rock, who is about as country as the good sisters from The Bunny Fufu Nuns Rectory in Boston are pole dancers showe...
Read full storyKarkai rescues British economy
President Karzai has come to the rescue of the British economy after a personal appeal from David Cameron, made during his visit to Afghanistan. Arrangements are being made for a major aid package to be put together to help Britain. Immediate ste...
Read full storyAfter Patrick Stewart, James Corden Sets His Sights On Liam Gallagher
It seems that funny fat bloke out of 'Lesbian Vampire Killers' James Corden, having successfully made Star Trek trooper Patrick Stewart look a bit of a twat, is raising the bar. Apparently he wants to have a go at former Oasis frontman and profess...
Read full storyGatso Nuns Nab Demon Cyclist
The nuns of a convent in Hemel Hempstead have taken the law into their own hands to catch a dangerous bike rider that they claim is possessed by the Devil. They used a Mini-Gatso radar gun to record the speed of the maniac cyclist and then reported...
Read full storyWhen is a copper not a copper but more like a cooper?
When is a copper not a copper and more like a cooper? Answer: When he works for Sussex Police and is made to wear the new drap, cheap looking uniforms which would be better off being worn by coopers. They're not even BLUE. How can we continue t...
Read full storyWorld Worried China Seeking Major Oil Spill Of Its Own To Counter US Gaining Free Publicity
China's quest for super-power status seems to have taken a bizarre turn with the PLAN repeatedly trying to torpedo Chinese oil rigs to get a good Oil spill going in the last two weeks. "Chinese submarines were spotted off the coast of Hong Kong targe...
Read full storyMore likely to get run over than to go to prison for knife crime
Phoenix Joe has just seen newly released statistics that you are more likely to get run over by a car than you are to go to prison for committing a knife crime in the UK. Which makes no sense of all the NuLab government claims to be getting tough on...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus, Cheryl Cole And Whitney Houston Dressed As Nuns Experience Divine Revelation Hitch-Hiking On The Road To Doncastrus
Middle East - The Road to Doncastrus, (twinned with Wakefield for obvious reasons) Strange breaking news from the road to Doncastrus today as three singing divas disguised as nuns in order to confuse curious camels, were hitch-hiking to a special...
Read full story"Dolly Parton" Caught Smuggling Heroin Under Big Boobs
She had the famous blond wig and tight pants but something just didn't look right to some passengers coming into New York City's JFK Airport so several talked to security guards. "This is a southern lady alright, plus she does a good imitation of...
Read full storyMichelle "Bombshell" McGee Will Replace Rosie Huntington-Whiteley Who Replaced Megan Fox on "Transformers 4"
HOLLYWOOD - Plans for the next motion picture in the Transformers series, Transformers 4, are already on the drawing board. The film's producer Julio Rockpitt revealed that the production company will be replacing Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, who r...
Read full story"Is It In Yet?" Mankind's Worst Four Words
In a study released today, the Center For Mental and Physical Health, in Rochester, Minnesota, has announced a study showing that the worst four words that a man can hear in his entire life are, "Is it in yet?" The study used a set of four words...
Read full storyNew Listening TV Will Give Voice to England Fans
Sony is launching a TV ad in which England boss Fabio Capello answers a boozed-up England fan who SHOUTS ABUSE at his TV screen as part of a push to convince consumers to trade up to advanced Listening sets for the World Cup kick off. The campaign...
Read full storyThree Gay Priests Create Stir by Slipping Into Old Habits and Emerging from Closet!
Vatican spokesmen were silent today after a show of solidarity by 3 English Priests who finally came out of the closet and paraded about Westminster clothed in habits. The mincing, hip swaying circus clogged traffic at the intersection of Old Que...
Read full storyFirst Two-Headed Baby Born On Gulf Coast
The first two-headed baby has been born on the Gulf Coast to a couple who live near Pensacola. Mookie & Piehead Jenkins, who work at the sideshow of the Barnum & Bailey/Ringling Brothers Circus near Orlando, say the baby or babies were bor...
Read full storyAustrian dungeon master Fritzl's Brazilian soul mate 'on hair raising copycat hostage charges'
Pinheiro, Brazil - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Sao Paulo police said today they 'immediately noticed the resemblance' between the Austrian incest wackjob and Jose Agostinho Pereira. The deviant hostage taking nutter was arrested after cops 'spotted...
Read full storySpike TV To Air Show About 6 Year Old Wrestlers
Spike TV is branching out, and finding new and different ways to exploit children. The network's new show, "Half Pint Brawlers" features a bunch of second graders who wrestle each other. Children compete in a round-robin type tournament, and win age...
Read full storyInternet Site Guarantees Sex for $9.99
Appearing in full page newspaper ads and internet pop-up advertising this past month, the hype surrounding a new Internet website that supposedly guarantees sex for $9.99 has been tremendous. While the website services claimed to be available in...
Read full storyHomeless help society
Most people are aware of the usual stereotypes about homeless people. "Druggies, down-and-outs, losers, gypsies" - these are just a few of the milder insults the homeless deal with on a daily basis. However, this is not the whole story. The majority of long-term homeless have in fact decided to opt-out of society, in what for many is a conscious and rational decision that accords with their deep-h...
Read full storySusan Boyle to sing 'Ain't Nothin But A Hound Dog' for her child support dodging father
Edinburgh - (Holy Cow!): The offspring of Queen Elizabeth and Pope Joe Ratzinger is still pissed at years of childhood deprivation caused by her absentee father's monumental stinginess. Redtop reports she would be singing 'Ave Maria' at an open ai...
Read full storySimon Cowell to Sue David Gilmour
The news that Susan Boyle and David Gilmour are to team up and record a Pink Floyd tribute album as exclusively reported by Phoenix Joe has certainly set the airwaves buzzing. Simon Cowell (a TV presenter) has just issued a statement that he inte...
Read full storyGary Coleman Death Photos Emerge; Ex-wife Poses With Star's Body
Further proving that she must be the Antichrist, Ginger-headed leech Shannon Price is seen POSING with the dead star in photos that she sold to the Globe magazine. Coleman is seen in the pictures looking horribly disfigured, with tubes going in an...
Read full storyPresident Bush's Unemployment Benefits Expire, Starts Looking for Job
Publicly available government records indicate that former President George W. Bush applied for and received unemployment benefits after leaving the White House at the end of his second term. Moreover, the benefits have run their cycle, and Bush h...
Read full story'Three Dog Night' As Spoofers Detained for Flashing On Walk About!
Three somewhat unrestrained Spoof Writers were detained by 'elf & safety police last night after an alcohol infused writers conference went awry leading to the frock clad lads exposing themselves during a pub crawl along Birdcage Walk in Londo...
Read full storyCrossbow Cannibal's 'The Story of O, My Blood Group Hell' defence
Wakefield - (Antibodies): "Bleedin' cheek!" was the gist of the Crown Prosecution Service's response this morning following a legal defence submission by Bradford Ripper Stephen Griffiths. This claims 'a cute (sick) hemolitic reaction' turned sour...
Read full storyMeg Whitman Creates a Job
SACRAMENTO, California - Meg Whitman, the fourth richest woman in California, bought the state's Republican nomination for governor yesterday. Too bad she didn't get it on eBuy, because she might have gotten a better deal - Whitman reportedly spen...
Read full storyCritical Mass redux: "Nuns are traffic, too!"
In a new campaign to get automobiles to share the road, Catholic sisters are marching side by side in city streets to proclaim: "Nuns are traffic, too!" The movement, dubbed "Critical Mass, Novus Ordo," was inspired by a similar movement initiate...
Read full storyWorld Cup Shock for England
The first World Cup match between England and the USA has been put in jeopardy by Barrack Obama declaring the game should not go ahead due to the oil spillage by BP in the Gulf off the American coast. He wants a 0-0 draw to be declared a result witho...
Read full storyHow Will Obama Foreward Mandela's Book
President Barak Obama is trying to gather some "down" time to concentrate on the words to use in the new Nelson Mandela's book release. The President has found some how found time to write the foreward to, soon to be released, Mandela's book. S...
Read full storyInspectors Bully The Bully Helping Line
An open letter from the CEO of the Bully Helping Line criticises Government Inspectors, describing them as: "nothing but big bullies and bastards". The government opened its investigation into the organisation earlier this year after complaints t...
Read full storyCameron invites the Daleks to join the coalition
Prime Minister David Cameron has extended an invitation to the Daleks to join the UK's coalition government (but not the gay or Pakistani ones). Phoenix Joe asked Mr Cameron to explain what was behind this latest rather perplexing move. "Well Pho...
Read full storyWriter Blinded by Celebrity Sex Tape
I don't normally write in the first person; the news is reported by me, but is not about me. This time, however, the story and I are hopelessly twisted together. The story damaged me. I can't tell one part of the story without the other: Danielle Staub's sex tape blinded me. It starts off innocently enough. The bulbous-nosed 47 year old looks almost hot in cotton panties and a tank top. Sh...
Read full storyHelen Thomas Wants Americans Out of North America
Forced to retire after it had been discovered that she had actually been dead for twenty years, former White House correspondent Helen Thomas's biting comments concerning the Israeli/Palestinian conflict still linger in the minds of many reporters of the Jewish faith. Mike Wallace of CBS's 60 Minutes is still in shock. "All these years I thought she was my friend," said Wallace, "now I'v...
Read full storyMark Regev wants to join Hamas PR dept.!
Tel Aviv - Mark Regev expressed his intention to join Hamas Public relations department and has resigned from his post as "Israel's Foreign Press and Public Affairs Adviser". The reason for his resignation is yet not clear, both Israel's foreign ministry and Mr.Regev are providing 'conflicting' reasons to the account. IFM (Isreal Foreign Ministry) released this statement on Monday saying...
Read full storyObama says BP should pay off the entire US national debt
Startling news from the U.S. - president Obama has said he wants BP to pay off the entire U.S. national debt because they are a bunch of naughty white boys…. And he wants them to do it by next Thursday - in addition they must solve the age old proble...
Read full storyAustralian's Set To Become Porn-Addicted Free
Porn addicted Australian's can claim help on the Countries failing Heath System Now, if your a porn addict - live in Australia, you can now claim your treatment through the Countries free Medical System, Medicare, and they recon' your treatment w...
Read full storyClaudia Schiffer Sends The German World Cup Soccer Team Nude 8 By 10 Glossies
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Claudia Schiffer regarded as one of the world's top supermodels has sent the German National soccer team two dozen nude 8 by 10 glossies of herself. Schiffer, who was born in Rheinberg, Germany said that she just wanted to do som...
Read full storyDavid Gilmour Teams with Susan Boyle to Record Pink Floyd Tribute album
Guitar legend David Gilmour has announced that he is teaming up with Susan Boyle to form a brand new Pink Floyd tribute band. David said "this is not a new Pink Floyd, there will be no new songs, and we are just going to do the old stuff. Susan is...
Read full storySir Patrick Stewart Admits He Has A Fetish About James Corden's Belly
LONDON - Sir Patrick Stewart tried to be cute and poke fun at James Corden's belly but the attempt backfired on the bald headed bloke who thinks he resides in Buckingham Palace. Stewart appearing on The Glamour Awards Show was presenting an award...
Read full storyUK Plans Massive Send-Off For Miley Cyrus
The entire United Kingdom, including Royalty, leading political figures, sportsmen, nutters, French visitors, and particularly talk show hosts and Ms Cyrus's fellow talk show guests are preparing to wave Miley off when she leaves Heathrow for home.
Read full storyDavid Cameron invites Sir Terry Leahy to Join Coalition
Our nice new PM has been reported to have invited Sir Terry Leahy the retiring CEO of Tesco to join the coalition government. "Let's face it Tesco has more money than the government - so we would be pretty stupid to not ask him for help" said Da...
Read full storyMore Bloody Pointless Letters To The Editor
Sir I don't usually bother writing to anybody. But I just found a pen outside the bookies, and it seemed a shame to waste the opportunity. L Piggot, Goodwood. Sir On these cookery programmes, what's all this stuff and nonsense about Rocket salad? They called it fucking dandelions when I was a kid. Rabbit food. Usually covered in diesel oil residue and dog piss. Somebody please tell Gor...
Read full storyScientist unveils 'Stupid Pill'
Phoenix Joe was privileged to attend a news conference held at top London hotel and sponsored by leading drug companies where Dr Jonathon Livingstone-Foreskin presented a new 'Stupid Pill' he has developed. The Dr began by explaining "as society...
Read full storyThe Efficiency Drive (and how it Works)
You may have noticed that the government rarely seems to change. Sure, politicians change every now and then, but the system does not. There are always protocols and processes that industry and members of the public need to go through before they get approvals, permits etc. Periodically, however, industry finds an amenable government and the public service is put under pressure to make the syst...
Read full storyGeneva Slim Takes on Wascally Rabbit in Title Fight
CHICAGO - In a move unprecedented in the history of online satire sensation TheSpoof.com, one of its writers has challenged another to a duel in front of Buckingham Fountain on Chicago's lakefront, due to the unspeakable offense of story title-steali...
Read full story"If You Can't Speak English, Leave!", Theresa May Tells Foreigners
Government ministers have today announced that they are bringing forward measures that will require immigrants to demonstrate a basic command of the English language - and those that can't, can leave. The measures, which the Labour government had...
Read full storyLocal Man In Minor Difference Of Opinion With Spouse Over Merits Of Michael Buble v Otis Redding
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, currently suffering from beer and general stupidity injuries, which for a man of his age, who should know better, is admittedly shameful, humiliating and utterly idiotic, last night allowed his long-suffering wife, Anne...
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