Written by Jess Mylocke

Thursday, 10 June 2010

image for The Crossbow Cannibal Finds a Cross-Eyed Friend
"Hello, Peter, its me, Stephen - the Cross Bow Cannibal"

Once a failure, always a failure. Such is life, it seems, for perennial loser The Crossbow Cannibal.

He seems to be a bit shit at killing himself, despite proving to be adept at it when it comes to ordinary people - especially prostitutes.

After todays failed suicide bid using a plastic bag and a sock (WTF?), poor old Stephen Griffiths is now recuperating in a prison ward next to other nutters.

And he has immediately cheered up after meeting his bed-mate (literally), The Yorkshite (sic) Ripper, Peter Sutcliffe.

Sutcliffe - an immense dickhead of a man, with a stupid white-man afro - is as cock-eyed as they come, having lost his sight in one eye after being stabbed by a pen pal, and almost losing the other eye through wanking.

"Me and Peter see eye-to-eye", said a cheered up Stephen today, "thats very rare for Peter - considering he always appears to be looking in the opposite direction all the time".

They discuss the numerous things they have in common: a love of Abba, wearing tight lycra stockings, life in Bradford, wanking, and of course killing innocent defenseless women for their own sadistic pleasure.

The two are inseparable - like dried dog shit on the soles of a pair of size 15 Doc Martins.

They both enjoy watching the telly and never miss an episode of Emmerdale; both being obsessed with how nearly every single character in the show has got away with murder at one time or the other.

They are especially impressed with how Carl King continues to prance about the village despite having killed the local postman and burying him, and also murdering his own father, Tom.

"He's our inspiration. Whenever we get out out of here, me and my bum-chum Peter intend to move there and live out our dreams", said Stephen with a gay smile.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Stop - Warning

The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature.

This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

To confirm you have acknowledged this warning, and wish to continue to read the article, please click the following link.

Otherwise, please click here to go back to the home page.

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
74 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more