America's Got Talent: Comedian Doogie Horner Heckles The Entire Audience and Comes Out on Top

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Thursday, 10 June 2010

image for America's Got Talent: Comedian Doogie Horner Heckles The Entire Audience and Comes Out on Top
Sharon Osbourne wearing a hat that was given to her by Susan Boyle. The hat is made from recycled owl droppings.

NEW YORK CITY - They say that New York audiences are hell on comedians, and the audience on America's Got Talent certainly did nothing to disprove that axiom.

A 30-year-old graphic designer Doogie Horner strutted out onto the AGT stage looking like a cross between an older Amish man and a younger Amish man, minus the hat.

Horner was booed before he even had a chance to utter his first joke and that was probably because he reminded people of Joaquin Phoenix, who no one in America likes.

Horner quickly told Piers Morgan to take his effen hand away from the x-buzzer and to wait until he actually hears a joke or four before he does anything rash.

Morgan replied that speaking of a rash, he was developing one from merely looking at him. Horner grinned and asked if his horrible looking face was also the result of him looking at him or was it from his mommy and daddy perhaps.

Sharon Osbourne laughed and she gave Howie Mandel a fist-bump since Howie has a fetish about germs. Whenever someone sneezes within six feet of him he has to run and find a shower stall and take a shower.

A reliable source said that when he was on Deal Or No Deal, he would usually end up taking three showers per show.

Morgan hollered out for Horner to get on with it. He made a joke about a pregnant albatross that did not go over because hardly any of the New York audience has any idea what an albatross is.

His next joke was about a pregnant emu and again, apparently there were no Australians in the crowd. The crowd suddenly began to hiss and boo and make the X sign with their arms.

Horner told them all to pipe down or he would have to call the health department to come out and visually inspect all of their crotches.

The crowd booed even louder. He then said that looking out at them he realized that he has seen prettier looking things in Amy Winehouse's groin region.

More boos and a few popcorn boxes. One hit Piers Morgan in the back of the head. Horner yelled out at him, "Ya see what happens when you try to act like your daddy Simon "The Royal Rude Dude" Cowell.

Morgan immediately hit the x-buzzer. Horner yelled out that Morgan doesn't have a family tree, with him it's more like a family tumbleweed.

Sharon started laughing so hard she nearly peed in her pants.

Howie was covering his mouth with his right hand and he was grabbing his crotch with his left hand.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: I know. I've tried but I cannot figure out that left hand move either.]

The boos continued to rain down on the graphic designer. Horner screamed out that he has heard that New York is the melting pot of the world, he then added that really, it's more like the bedpan of the entire friggin universe.

Sharon peed on herself. Howie looked over at the wet spot between her legs and yelled out, "Urine alert, run! Everyone save yourself, don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I'm worth about $30 million. I'll be fine."

Morgan hollered at Sharon to hit her x-buzzer. She slapped his British hand and told him that if he dared touch her x-buzzer she would bite his hand like it was Kirstie Alley wrestling Ann Coulter for a Twinkie.

Finally Doogie Horner's 90 seconds were up. Piers said that it seemed more like 9 minutes. Howie had returned from the bathroom holding about 40 paper towels and Sharon had simply crossed her legs and sprayed some hand sanitizer on the wet spot in her crotch.

Host Nick Cannon said that for a while he thought that he was watching The Jerry Springer Show. He then added that luckily all of our chairs are bolted down.

Sharon and Howie told Horner that he was through to the next round. So Piers got outvoted.

In other news. Paris Hilton's new line of perfume 'Eau Du Conceited Bitch' has just been named The Most Popular Perfume in Costa Rica.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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