Oh, The Horror! Wrigley Mints Now Made In Canada, Not Chicago!

Funny story written by rfreed

Thursday, 10 June 2010

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"Oh, the horror, the horror!" This is a quote from Heart Of Darkness by Joseph Conrad, the short story that inspired the movie Apocalypse Now. It is also a quote on the tongues of many Chicagoans when they found that their Life Saver mints, a product staple of the eternal Wrigley Company, a bastion of Chicoagoan enterprise, is now being made in Canada.

Oh, the horror, the horror!

Wrigley is a virtual trademark of Chicago. Wrigley gum is chewed by mouths all over the world; white mouths, Asian mouths, African mouths, young mouths, old mouths. It is found under school desks and counter tops across the country. Wrigley made a fabulous fortune from a thin stick of pliable tree gum resin that turns into a gelatinous mess in your mouth that helps to rot the very teeth that masticate them (No, I said "masticate"! Look it up in the dictionary Beavis, you foul minded pervert!).

Wrigley Field, the stadium for decades of the White Sox baseball team was built on chewing gum. It is rumored that well gnawed gum wads make up most of the mortar in its construction. White Sox players are under contract to chew it instead of chewing tobacco but to preserve their masculine image spit a chunk now and then to pretend that it is the real stuff.

Chicago prides itself on its heritage and traditions. To have another country responsible for the manufacturing of one of its trademark products is humiliating. For Canada to make their mints for them is like having Sweden make our footballs, or Morocco make our Hooters t-shirts or China make our American flags... oops... they actually do.

This is too much for American pride too. If Canada is making our mints for us now, what will come next. Will they start making our TV shows for us? (The X-Files, The L Word) Our baseball teams for us? (The Expos, the Blue Jays) Our sodas for us? (Canada Dry) What about our babies for us too? Oh, the horror, the horror!!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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