Written by The Medium Cheese

Thursday, 10 June 2010

image for Inspectors Bully The Bully Helping Line
Dick Harradin on his way to work, yesterday

An open letter from the CEO of the Bully Helping Line criticises Government Inspectors, describing them as: "nothing but big bullies and bastards".

The government opened its investigation into the organisation earlier this year after complaints that CEO Intestina Harradin had breached the confidentiality of callers. She had claimed in television interviews that her helpline had had calls from Al-Qaeda staff, wanting advice about being bullied at work.

Al-Qaeda officials quickly denied the claim, but that row was eclipsed by news the next day that all the trustees had resigned from the charity, leaving its future in question. Harradin put out a press release that week saying that the trustees were "nothing but big bullies and bastards", adding that she "knew where they lived" and that she "had contacts in the Army and MI5".

That was last February. Since then, officials have been conducting a painstaking investigation into the organisation, and particularly its links with a local business. Suspicions were aroused after it was discovered that the charity's registered address is in fact a mobile burger van operated by Harradin and her partner, Dick. Inspectors were alerted to the links after people who rang the Helping Line complained that they had been offered a choice of take-away foods and condiments.

"I wanted to know whether I had been unfairly dismissed", one frustrated caller told us, "and the operator kept asking me if I wanted 'any mustard with that'". We asked Harradin for comment and she said we were welcome to visit the charity's offices to "make sure everything was kosher", and explained that the caller who had complained was "nothing but a big bully and a bastard, and bullies are cowards ".

We asked if there was any truth in the rumoured link between the charity and the fast food business, and Harradin handed the Medium Cheese an open letter, which says:

"These Government Inspectors are nothing but big bullies and bastards, and as we all know, bullies are cowards. What do they know about running a charity? What we do with our business is our business. The Bastards. Anyway, we know where they live, and we have very senior contacts in the Army and MI5. They had better not close us down, or else."

"We dont know about any complaints and we have never let anyone down, ever. We would never do that. We swear on our baby's eyes".

The letter also says that since the investigation began, the organisation has been inundated with offers of help, letters of support and unsolicited donations. Harradin writes:

"We received a few unsolicited letters of donations, one from President Bush of America, and another from the King of China. In a touching and personal message, he said he could have done with our help when he was fighting the Mongols. He obviously share's our values because he described Ghengis Khan as 'nothing but a big bully and a bastard'. He even shared our view that all bullies are cowards."

The government declined to comment today. More as this story unfolds. (Which it might)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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