Final clue disclosed in Libertines Treasure Hunt For Last Tickets
The final clue has been revealed in the online treasure hunt for the last libertines tickets to a tiny warm up gig, just days before the Official Libertines reunion at Reading and Leeds Festival. The treasure hunt was called on last week after it wa...Read full story
Hog Jaw resident loses balls in reenactment accident
HOG JAW, ARKANSAS (ABSNN) -- A "misunderstanding about what balls to shoot out of a replica cannon" led to a Hog Jaw Civil War Reenactor's castration, Monday, during the 150th Anniversary Celebration of the Civil War in Arkansas. General Jubal Ear...Read full story
Jessica Simpson Says That She Has A White Girl Booty - Naomi Campbell Replies "Say What Bitch?"
SANTA MONICA BEACH - Jessica Simpson was out lying on the beach at Santa Monica taking in some rays when she was asked if the rumor about her getting back with Dallas Cowboy quarterback Tony Romo were true. Jessica grinned and stuck her finger in...Read full story
Republicans Hate Most Americans
The Republican party, in it's effort to improve its chances of taking back both houses of congress in 2010 and the White House in 2012, has stepped up its attacks on most of America's 308 million people. GOP candidates and elected officials have rele...Read full story
Demi Vs. Miley: A Catfight to Remember
Last night on Rodeo Drive, after exiting a club with new boyfriend, Joe Jonas, Miley Cyrus was attacked by actress/singer Demi Lovato. Miley, unaware of the crazy jealous girlfriend that was running towards her, was knocked to the ground and had...Read full story
Report: Lots of Gay Men Oppose Gay Marriage
A shocking new report reveals that it isn't just homophobes who oppose gay marriage, it's also opposed by gay men who can't commit. The report, which surveyed over 1000 couples, found that 50% of them didn't want anything to do with gay marriage.Read full story
Men With Huge Penises Wish They Hadn't!
Men who have gotten their wish after ordering products and appliances to build huge penises are now having trouble with them the other 22 hours a day, which they hadn't considered before. "I know it's too late now but I wish I had my old penis bac...Read full story
Nina Dobrev Says Miley Cyrus Not Welcome On The Vampire Diaries!
Nina Dobrev has told reporters this morning that singer/actor Miley Cyrus would not be welcome on 'The Vampire Diaries' television program! "I have nothing personal against Miley Cyrus but this is a serious show. We work hard to keep it the best...Read full story
911 mosque committee extends olive branch to angry non-Muslim New Yorkers by including "free belly dancing lessons and all-you-can-eat donair kebabs at the new Islamic cultural center"
Amid the furore caused by President Obama's backing of a proposal to build a Muslim community centre and a mosque near Ground Zero some mosque committee members attempted to ratchet down tensions by extending an olive branch to angry New Yorkers:...Read full story
Acupuncture: 2000 Years of Bullsh-t Science
Sticking needles in a person to redirect magical energy as a treatment for disease or disorders is a flaming pile of sh-t, says a study released today. In fact, it is a patient's belief that acupuncture will work that makes the difference. The Jou...Read full story
Teenage Hearthrob Lubner Lautner to Film Next Subway Commercial in Hog Jaw
Lubner Lutner, "Lube" for short, is coming back home to Hog Jaw to film a commercial for the Subway sandwich shop chain to be aired on local Arkansas television stations. Said Sally Ryder, Lube's old flame from high school, "We always knew Lube would...Read full story
Toothless old virgins pose for nude calendar to fund Crazy John McCain's 5th senatorial run
"Hags for John" - a staunchly Republican group of toothless old geriatric virgins posed for a nude calendar to raise funds for their guy "Crazy" John McCain - the man who almost became Prez. Miss January - Droopy-Tits Tessa flashed her gums as she...Read full story
Millwall the answer
'Terry have you been to Millwall?' 'Sure. I went yesterday.' 'What did they say?' 'They were very helpful. They thought I was too young to be taken on but knew I had great potential. They advised me to stay at school and to complete my education.' 'That sounds sensible.' 'They also said I should play football outside the school.' 'How will you have time for that?' 'There's a S...Read full story
Kim Jong il withdraws succession of son Kim Jong-un saying he is a 'bad clone'. Other clone sons Kim Jong-deux and Kim Jong-trois waiting in the wings.
North Korean leader, Kim Jong-il, has been grooming his third son Kim Jong-un to succeed him as head of the communist regime. Little is known about Kim Jong-un other than he "ran for a parliamentary seat" in elections last March. There are no rec...Read full story
Apprehension gave way to fear as he exited the cab on 48th and Lexington. It was all he could do to grab his bags and find enough personal space to step out of the cab, as throngs of people in black coats and black shoes surrounded him on the corner. Two or three from the crowd were jockeying for position near the open passenger door to take the cab away from Randall Williams if he would "just g...Read full story
Iraqi to train Kashmiris in shoe-hurling
Kashmir: The Kashmir Mujahideen has decided to import trainers from Iraq to teach disgruntled Kashmiris the art of throwing shoes at Chief Ministers and other symbols of the oppressive establishment. "It's a crying shame that even ex-members of th...Read full story
Ultimate ignominy! Afghanistan offers US $1 million flood aid to Pakistan
What hubris! What bloody cheeky buggers! A drowning, deluded and hypocritical Pakistan is still prevaricating as its idiot govt "mulls over accepting Indian aid due to peculiar sensitivities" [Translation: "we've conned our people by telling them...Read full story
"Legalize Crime" - Top Doc
Former head of NASTY, the National Association for Spread of Tyrannical Youths, Dr Gary Killmore, says crime should now be legalized. In an e-mail sent from his cell in Frankland Prison, Dr Killmore said: "Decriminalising crime could drastica...Read full story
Israel shoot at Turkish Embassy in Tel Aviv and Obama asks BNP leader Nick Griffin how to solve the crisis!
Israel decided to end their relationship with one of their "friendly" Islamic neighbours today and attacked the Turkish Embassy in their own back garden, Tel Aviv. An Israeli government spokesman gave the following press statement: "We in Israe...Read full story
Heidi Montag, Janice Dickinson and Shauna Sand's Plastic Surgeon Smote by God.
The plastic surgeon who defiled God's work on such famous faces as Heidi Montag, Janice Dickinson and Shauna Sand was smoted today, after falling off the Pacific Coast Highway in his 1995 Jeep convertible. "I love his last Tweet," said the Lord Je...Read full story
Newcastle City Council, successfully rewarded with 'Jobsworth Achievements Citation'.
Newcastle City Council Offices: It is well known amongst those who fully understand, that 'jobsworth' Council Officers are not enthusiastic about sorting out illegal travellers' sites that are dotted around the neighbourhood. Now let's see Newc...Read full story
Hog Jaw Daily News: Injuries Down at This Year's Frog Giggin' Competition
HOG JAW, Arkansas - This year's frog giggin' competition down at Boggy Hollow Creek got underway last Saturday night with Bubba Joe McKinny taking an early lead capturing near 47 frogs. Priscilla Smappy took a close second with 42 frogs, but was dan...Read full story
Deathbed Zsa Zsa wants to renew marriage vows as "one for the road, dahlink"
On her deathbed: 108-yr old Zsa Zsa has decided to take advantage of her time in hospital by renewing her marriage 'wows' with 'Vats-his-name'. With a priest by her side administering extreme unction, a boa-clad Zsa Zsa figured it would be a wast...Read full story
Pentagon Papers II: The Big Turnaround
HOLLYWOOD/WASHINGTON D.C./PERTH AMBOY, NEW JERSEY - ATTENTION READERS: Due to an extended series of online complaints (plus, one - thankfully - unsuccessful bomb threat, inadvertently discovered at London's Charring Cross Station this past week by a heavy-footed MPA officer when he apparently tripped over the unattended package/suspect device in question, while otherwise in the close-quarter proce...Read full story
England Are The New Tottenham
After crashing out of the world cup, Manager Fabio Capello revealed reasons why England could never win anything and at least not be humiliated. The Italian revealed that England's football team in general had a striking resemblance to the fortune...Read full story
Americans think Obama's not funny enough
President Obama is facing a storm of protest from voters across the country who think he's not funny enough to be President any more. One voter in Utah, which, as everyone knows, is the funniest state in the country, said "I listened to all Obama'...Read full story
Sarah Palin to pose nude as "that is the only way to save America". Says she is ready to "hold my body against Obama and O'biden"
Sarah Palin really loves America. In fact as far as she is concerned nobody loves America more than Sarah. To prove her love for America Sarah is ready to pose nude. Speaking to fellow Tea Baggers in Alaska Sarah screeched: "I'm tellin' ya...Read full story
Bob Borman Can't Sleep
Save yourself the time if you're expecting a comedy with this one. Just a story about a bad week on the road. It was a repeat occurrence on a Sunday night before an early flight out, but this week was supposed to be easier than the last eight. Nothing was on his schedule for the week that should have elevated his stress level. "Here we are again" he thought. He looked towards the glowing...Read full story
British Teddy Bear Seized By Australian Police and Remanded in Custody as a Danger to Society
Australian border patrol today seized a teddy bear sent from Britain as a baby gift because it was deemed a threat to the commonwealth's national security. Caroline Rothwell, 26, who has no links to Al-Qaeda, sent the bear in a baby shower parcel...Read full story
The Governor of the Bank of England has written a letter. It was sent to Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne but was delivered to the wrong address by a postman who was discussing the latest political situation with a friend on his mobile. We...Read full story
Michael Douglas Will "Probably Never Go To Wetwang"
Michael Douglas, the Hollywood movie star who is married to that Welsh bird, Catherine Zeta Jones, is unlikely ever to make it to the village of Wetwang in East Yorkshire, and it's not because of his recently-diagnosed throat tumour, it's because he...Read full story
The James Cameron Movie Epic "The Titanic" Finally Comes To Hog Jaw, Arkansas's Cornbread Movie House
HOG JAW, Arkansas - Well the 1997 disaster movie The Titanic has finally made its way down to Hog Jaw, Arkansas. Hog Jaw Mayor Humphrey Dumpty stated that the reason that he did not allow Elmer Fiddlefaddle, owner of the Cornbread Movie House, to...Read full story
Married Californian 'Gays" ordered to get divorced because they're not married!
All married Gay couples in California have been ordered to file for a divorce because they're not legally married! (what???) Tearful Homo's in Christopher Street, San Francisco, were observed weeping in their partners laps (usual position whilst h...Read full story
More Labour donations
Labour leadership hopefuls David and Ed Miliband have confirmed that profits from their latest album will be given to charity. The brothers have released a greatest hits CD covering six album's worth of tracks from their successful but controversi...Read full story
Californians Put Gay Marriage Back on the Ballot
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Friends Against Gay Sex, Carpetmunching Relationships And Marriage (FAGSCRAM) announced today that they have acquired the necessary signatures on their petition to put the Gay-Marriage issue back on the ballot in November. Beca...Read full story
Hog Jaw, Arkansas Cancels Tomorrow's Cross Burning
The annual Hog Jaw Cross Burning scheduled tomorrow at the river levee has been cancelled for multiple reasons. No date has been set for the re-scheduling of the event, but it will be reported as soon as we know something. Laverne Deacon, wife of...Read full story
Mud Slinging Begins In Hog Jaw Mayoral Race
The mud slinging that has been absent from Hog Jaw politics from many years roared it's ugly head today in our small Arkansas community. It started when Earlene Scrotum threw a wet and juicy dirtclod at Cooter and Ed Earl Pissgums (the cojoined twin...Read full story
Blair's French Foreign Legion donation shocker
London - (Legionnaires Disease News): The Legion's legendary reputation for attracting criminals on the run and would-be mercenaries may have attracted Blair to donate the proceeds of his sordid fiction, military hysterians commented today. The ne...Read full story
Tourist office invents town
Cheated holidaygoers were today demanding the resignation of tourist board chief, Simon Nattress, after it was discovered the popular Lincolnshire holiday resort of Skegness did not actually exist and had been invented to attract unwitting tourists.Read full story
Dr David Kelly 'was KGB colonel son of Prince Philip'
London - (Fishy Tales): A dead letter drop inside the Worshipful Company of Fishmongers' Red Snappa & Papa Ratzi flagship store may have lead to Kelly's outing, intelligence sources have warned. The former UN WMD inspector was under covert su...Read full story
The next person that says or writes "think green" or "go green" is getting a swift kick in the ass from me. I mean really, if you didn't give a shit about "going green" six months ago, why the fuck do you care now? Oh, that's right, because it's the hip thing to do now. "Look at me, I'm going green! Look at my company, we're going green! We now have - wait for it, wait for it - a fucking...Read full story
Beware Illegal Car Park Traders
Service stations up and down the country have been forced to erect signs warning motorists of illegal car-park traders that have been accosting innocent visitors to the service stations on Britain's motorways. "It has got to be quite a problem," s...Read full story
Indians to sweep medal tally at CWG Games
London: Pollyamma the Parrot, India's answer to the Oracle Octopus, has predicted that this time India will be the country bagging the largest amount of medals in the upcoming Commonwealth Games, causing quite a stir in Times Square. An astonishe...Read full story
Hog Jaw Daily News - Giant Zucchinis Banned from Hog Jaw Baptist Church Outdoor Farmer's Market
HOG JAW, Arkansas - Mildred Perkins was told to take her zucchinis and go home Sunday after several members of the church complained to Pastor "Bud" P. Pickens that they appeared to be obscene. Mildred claims she didn't really do anything special thi...Read full story
Cryanair charge for use of resuscitation paddles
Under fire budget airline, Cryanair, have come under more criticism after a passenger nearly died on their flight back from (an airport within seventy miles of) Alicante. Paul Dearheart, 42, was travelling alone back from visiting relatives in Spa...Read full story
It gets closer by the day
Christmas will soon be here, that wonderful time when the moronic elements can be seen in their millions rushing out to spend someone else's money in a most irresponsible manner and later to pay dearly for the dubious privilege. It's also a truly wonderful time for those fat greasy moneylenders puffing on huge cigars and sweating their overworked knackers off after shagging some money-grabbing lit...Read full story
Tea Drinkers Sue Tea Party for Giving "Tea" a Bad Name
The grassroots protests known as the "Tea Party Movement" have been the subject of increased national attention following a recent class action lawsuit initiated by American tea drinkers against leaders of the conservative Tea Party. Plaintiffs claim...Read full story
Commonwealth Games Ship leaks like a seive
The Commonwealth Games ship is entering choppy waters, and punters are placing bets as to weather it will stay afloat, say newspapers in India. "There are just too many bloody leaks to plug!" declared a harried source in the office of the Indian S...Read full story
GOP Considers Ban on Islam
On Thursday, Sen. Jon Kyl (R-Ariz.) became the highest ranking Republican to offer support to a proposed law banning the peaceful practice of Islam in the United States. The controversial measure originally proposed by Lindsey Graham, Republican S...Read full story
Clamp down on Clampers
Home Office minister has successfully pushed through a bill to oust Clampers from England's privately owned land. This has come as a great relief to a number of MPs who have been parking their cars on an abandoned lot around the back of Westminste...Read full story
Naked Pilgrim Brian Sewell Joins Sky Sports
Sky Sports have announced a surprise signing for the new Premier League season - celebrated art critic Brian Sewell. The plummy-voiced writer and broadcaster has been hired as a live summariser to replace Andy Gray following complaints from viewer...Read full story
Shock news from the medical world
The socialist dominated sexual health authority has finally been shamed into coming clean about the rectums true purpose by Cammi and Cleggy despite threats from the political correctness brigade of the former labour government and many will be shock...Read full story
Abbey's Young Boys Fears
WAG Abbey Clancy has apparently taken a two-week break from her TV show for clear-the-air talks with England and Spurs striker Peter Crouch. She fears the lanky forward has allegedly been "playing away" with a series of mistresses. But a source...Read full story
Blair knocks the jokers
Tony Blair, the former British Prime Minister, criticised unmercifully for his role in taking this country into the war in Iraq has made a clever move. In an act of self sacrifice he has given all the money for the advance on his book about himse...Read full story
Hog Jaw to Help Homeless with World Hog Calling Championship
HOG JAW, ARKANAS (ABSNN) -- Hee Haw Heavyweight, Junior Samples, will be the Master of Ceremonies at this years World Championship of Hog Callers to be held during Hog Jaw Festival Days this coming Labor Day weekend. Junior is a favorite among the h...Read full story
Wetwang Man Gets Star Wars Theme and Dallas Theme Mixed-up
(Wetwang, East Yorks:) There was controversy and much laughter in the East Yorkshire village of Wetwang last night, when a man in the local pub became confused, and incorrectly hummed the theme to Dallas when he had intended to hum the theme to Star...Read full story
British Legion rejects Tony Blair "bribe"
The Royal British Legion, which represents thousands of past and present servicemen and women today rejected a large donation by war criminal Tony Blair, calling it a "bribe". Blair, who made millions of pounds after he resigned as British Prime M...Read full story
All Rappers under heavy fire today
Rappers everywhere today are wondering if they will have a job tomorrow, after the Bitch's Union has come out in protest. The Bitch's Union has announced that they will no longer be called Bitches, Hoes, or Scanks in Rap songs. Until their dema...Read full story
Sorry about all the dead bodies, says Californian Monster Truck driver as police let him go
A truck driver who killed 8 members of the audience in a Monster Truck Rally in the Mojave Desert in California has been told he won't be prosecuted, thanks to a stupid law that gives Monster Truck drivers immunity from criminal proceedings. The d...Read full story
UN "Ban" on aid to Pakistan creates misunderstanding
The baffling mystery of why nobody was donating money to the flood relief in Pakistan has finally been solved. The crisis in the Asian country has already claimed thousands of lives and many tens of thousands more are at risk of cholera or dysent...Read full story
No sex in wards, please, we're British!
Another iconic institution in Britain is about to be destroyed. Sex will no longer be allowed in hospitals. For decades, sick patients have looked forward to being sent to hospitals, certain that they will have a good time thinking up double enten...Read full story
The Totally Uncool Using Of Turn Signals
Scientists have determined that an alarming and increasing number of drivers are "turn signal challenged", that is, unable to use a turn signal when driving. This form of mental malfunction appears to be more pronounced amongst men, many of whom also...Read full story
Pat Robertson Supports Gay Marriage for Citizens of Mexico
In a surprising announcement today, television evangelist Pat Robertson announced that he supported the legalization of gay marriage for the citizens of Mexico. On his television program, The 700 Club, Robertson explained his position. "Legalizing ga...Read full story
Democrat Strategists - "Too Many Weirdos Opposing Our Candidates"
WASHINGTON, DC - Democrats are concerned about losing November elections to "a bunch of Weirdos." Edmund Grayson III commented that Americans are actively resisting government practices that are "good and normal." Grayson, a Harvard graduate, explain...Read full story
Baptist Young Women's Christian Rifle Club To Perform At Hog Jaw High School Football Halftime
Lucy May Buckner, Homecoming teacher at the High School and sponsor of the Baptist Young Women's Christian Rifle Club (First Baptist Church) announced that her girls will perform again at the halftime of this year's homecoming game. "Just like last...Read full story
Hog Jaw Daily News - Hog Jaw Residents Coming To Terms With Celebrity Status
Hog Jaw, Arkansas, Tuesday - The Mayor of Hog Jaw, Humphrey Dumpty went out to breakfast this morning at Pop's Main Street Diner as he tried to absorb the media spotlight shining on Hog Jaw. Looking very serious and focused for once in his life, M...Read full story
Zsa Zsa: Bury Me in Hog Jaw Arkansas!
Little Rock, AR - Last night Zsa Zsa Gabor asked for last rites to be read to her and The Spoof was there to bring you up to date, inaccurate information. Just as the Catholic Priest named Fergus McCarthy was about to leave Zsa Zsa grabbed him by...Read full story
No Angels HIV Singer Nadja Benaissa Kept 'Schtum' Because - She Claims - She "Had Band's Best Interests At Heart"
Nadja Benaissa, the singer with German girl band No Angels, has told a court that she had unprotected sex with several partners without warning them she was HIV-positive "to protect the best interests of the band". Benaissa, 28, was speaking at th...Read full story
Hog Jaw, Arkansas Mayoral Race Wide Open This Year
With the recent "retirement" of Mayor Bud Tatum, the town of Hog Jaw will see it's first new mayor in 65 years. Bud, who became mayor on his homecoming from World War Two (where he fought the Nazis and Japs by working at a supply depot at Fort Bliss...Read full story