Written by p.doff

Tuesday, 17 August 2010


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The next person that says or writes "think green" or "go green" is getting a swift kick in the ass from me. I mean really, if you didn't give a shit about "going green" six months ago, why the fuck do you care now?

Oh, that's right, because it's the hip thing to do now. "Look at me, I'm going green! Look at my company, we're going green! We now have - wait for it, wait for it - a fucking RECYCLING CAN IN THE LUNCH ROOM! We are so green we shit shamrock shakes! That's my homeboy planet earth - 1, not recycling - 0! Never mind the fact that recycling plants pump out a shit load of pollutants while refining, it's time for me to feel good about myself!

I recycled a plastic Pepsi bottle today! Time to drive home in my BMW and watch TV with all the lights on and the air conditioner going full blast! Woo!" You are a fucking hypocrite, just like everyone else. You aren't helping shit, you don't really care. Go save the world in private, asshole. No one needs it.

And it's not like I'm some hippie fruit who loves the environment or anything like that; I just hate that this going green buzzword bullshit is all the rage with boring middle class white people looking for approval from other boring middle class white people and no one will shut the fuck up about it. If any of you self-righteous douche bags actually cared about the planet, you'd be a dirty "earth child" wearing a burlap sack living in a commune with other dirty granola fucks cultivating a lice farm in your scalp, growing your own food and singing Koombaya (no idea how to spell that) by the fucking campfire every night.

But no, that's not convenient for you. You just want to be labeled green so you can look down your nose at people exactly like you except they aren't wearing a cotton/polyester blend Earth Day T-shirt. If you really want to help the earth you'd kill yourself. It's the only way to be sure to minimize your "carbon footprint."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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