A shocking new report reveals that it isn't just homophobes who oppose gay marriage, it's also opposed by gay men who can't commit. The report, which surveyed over 1000 couples, found that 50% of them didn't want anything to do with gay marriage.
"Gay marriage? No way!" says Arthur Tabbi of Los Angeles, CA. "I've had it made for years with my partner--great sex and no commitment because, hey, we can't get married. Now look! I've got to give up half my stuff to him and the sex will probably dry up. Shit!" Tom Partridge of Alexandria, VA echoed these concerns. "In some ways these hateful Christians were my best friends. As long as I didn't have to marry Theodore I had it made. Sure, we live together but everything is still legally mine. If they pass gay marriage in Virginia I'm going to have to marry him and knowing him he'll quit his job and want me to take care of him. I already went through that once with my sham marriage when I was in the closet."
Interestingly, investigators in another survey found that homophobic heterosexuals who were married were more likely to support homosexual marriage. And even more interesting, those who reported their marriages to be unhappy supported gay marriage the most. "Those queers have a great thing going and they want to spoil it? Let 'em! Why should only straight people have to spend their lives chained to a HORRIBLE OLD WITCH!!!" said, Jack Johnson of Boise, ID, turning his head towards the kitchen where his wife was cooking dinner. Turning back to the reporter he smiled grimly and said, "Come on in you homos, the water's fine!"