With the recent "retirement" of Mayor Bud Tatum, the town of Hog Jaw will see it's first new mayor in 65 years. Bud, who became mayor on his homecoming from World War Two (where he fought the Nazis and Japs by working at a supply depot at Fort Bliss, Texas).
Bud's body is currently lying in state at the Hog Jaw Funeral Home, Sewing Machine Repair, and Taxidermy Shop on 2nd Street. His widow, Eunice Tatum, said that mourners should not send flowers, but should make donations to the city to buy Sheriff Barney a new set of tires for the squad car (Wally at the filling station said that they are beyond patching and he doesn't have a set of retreads in the right size).
It should be remembered that the Mayor was a decorated war veteran, having received a good conduct medal and a special commendation for having the cleanest rifle.
His funeral will be conducted with full military honors (by the local ROTC from the high school) tomorrow at 10:00. A pot luck will be held afterwards at the river levee and everyone is reminded not to eat Laverne's potato salad unless they want another case of the trots (but don't tell her we warned you because we all know that she don't read the paper).
Earlene Scrotum said that she wants to be the first to toss her hat into the ring for the recently vacated city office. Unfortunately, most of us have seen her hat and wish that she'd just burn the darned thing. Earlene has run unsuccessfully for mayor against Bud in each of the last twelve elections, never getting more than three votes (we think it's hers, her husband, and her son's, cuz her daughter ain't spoke to her since she told everyone Gertie padded her bra).
Earlene's main competition may be the cojoined Pissgums twins, Cooter and Ed Earl. They say that them being the only other military veterans in the town (they served two years on a merchant marine ship called The Buggerall) should qualify them to fill the mayor's chair (though it would be a tight fit for both of 'em). The Pissgum's are the sons of Cletis Pissgums and his daughter Yvonne.
A dark horse in the race is Buttercup. Billy Joe Hart, owner of the stables, entered one of his black thoroughbreds into the race as a protest in behalf of the rights of animals. He still blames Mayor Bud for the death of his dog back in 93. It seems that Bud got tired of the beagle digging in his wife's flower bed and shoved a duck call in its ass. As it was duck season, Daisy took 32 shotgun shells before falling dead in front of the bait shop (after a session of the farts).
The special election is going to take place on the first Tuesday in September. It was moved from Saturday after someone discovered that the Razorbacks opened football season that day and the impending tailgate party for the Hawgs will probably empty out the town.
Campaign slogans for the candidates are:
Earlene Scrotum: "Vote For Me Cuz Bud's Dead"
The Pissgum's Twins: "We'll do twice the thinking and twice the work for the same pay."
Buttercup: "Say Neigh to Animal Cruelty."
