The mud slinging that has been absent from Hog Jaw politics from many years roared it's ugly head today in our small Arkansas community. It started when Earlene Scrotum threw a wet and juicy dirtclod at Cooter and Ed Earl Pissgums (the cojoined twins running against her). Earlene's mud missile splattered the side of their pickup just above the bondo patch on the driver's side door.
Earlene also hurled an insult at the twins, saying that "they ain't got the balls to be mayor of this here town." Considering that the boys are joined "down there" and only have two testicles between them, this could be considered both an insult and accurate (if balls really are necessary to be mayor).
Ed Earl shot back by saying that he wasn't aware Earlene had any balls either, unless she was still carrying her husband Ralph's around in a mason jar. Travis down at the Funeral Parlor and Taxidermy shop, however, confirmed that Earlene had him sew Ralph's nuts back on about three years ago (she only carried them in the mason jar for a year after cutting them off when she caught him in that hot tub with the Lawrence sisters).
Earlene was also upset to learn that her daughter Gertie had volunteered to be the campaign manager for the Pissgums. Gertie and Earlene haven't spoken to each other since the night of Gertie's high school prom, when Earlene told a bunch of the high school boys that Gertie was as flat chested as a ten year old boy and padded her bra.
Gertie was most recently seen outside of the five and dime where she was soliciting campaign contributions to buy another Magic Marker to help make more posters (she said that she still has a big roll of butcher paper, but markers and crayons are in short supply at Pissgum's campaign headquarters out back of the filling station).
When asked if he had any comment on the latest goings on of his opponents, Buttercup (the dark horse in this competition) didn't say anything, but did piss in his stall.
Yvonne Pissgums, mother of the twins, was also unhappy with Earlene's actions. "Just see if I invite her to my tupperware party next week. My Daddy, the twin's father, was even giving me ten bucks for some nice refreshments and we are having store bought popsicles (instead of frozen Kool-aid with old popsicle sticks). It's the social event of the year and Earlene is just gonna have to read about it in the paper!"
A few of the town darkies were interviewed, but none of them wanted to run for mayor or even be involved in the political process. Jim Bob Johnson said that "you fool white folks can go on making asses of yourselves."
They probably will.
