Tuesday, 17 August 2010

image for Baptist Young Women's Christian Rifle Club To Perform At Hog Jaw High School Football Halftime
Targets will be set up between the goal posts in the south end zone, so you may not want to put your lawn chairs there.

Lucy May Buckner, Homecoming teacher at the High School and sponsor of the Baptist Young Women's Christian Rifle Club (First Baptist Church) announced that her girls will perform again at the halftime of this year's homecoming game. "Just like last year," said Lucy May, "we're gonna put on a real show for the folks while our boys are probably losing again to those Satanic whore-mongering dirtbags from Toad Suck."

The Rifle Team, which is preparing to compete in the state's Interdenominational Girl's Rifle and Shotgun Shooting Championships, will aim at targets only in the south end zone, so folks may not want to set up their lawn chairs in that area.

Other announced halftime activities for this season include a contest to see whose dog can jump the most ice chests (fans in the stands will be encouraged to bring their igloo coolers down to the sidelines just before the band starts playing) on the first weekend. The second home game will feature Lacey Davenport singing the song that got her buzzed by all three judges in the first round of America's Got Talent. The third home game, the cheerleaders will attempt to build a pyramid at least three people high (if enough of the squad hasn't had to quit because they are knocked up and showing).

The fourth game, homecoming, will showcase the talents of the Baptist Young Women's Christian Rifle Club as we already mentioned. Game five will feature the annual Cub Scouts spitting for distance contest (and they have announced that the Brownies will not be allowed to compete this year since the girls captured first, second, and third last year). The final home game of the season will have the Hog Jaw Volunteer Fire Department show off their new fire truck and put out a "blazing inferno" in the end zone (anyone wishing to donate bales of hay for the inferno should call Buck down at the firehouse the week before).

If, by some miracle, the team manages to win more than their usual zero games and make the playoffs, Mavis Dooley has volunteered to give a performance of her famous birdcalls. A subsequent miraculous playoff game would feature Jack Larson's attempt to break his own world record and belch the entire Star Spangled Banner on only two beers.

An itinerary is still being developed for the halftime of the basketball games.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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