Written by Frankie The J

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

image for Hog Jaw resident loses balls in reenactment accident
"I can shoot off my mouth, why not my balls," said Crackcorn (r)

HOG JAW, ARKANSAS (ABSNN) -- A "misunderstanding about what balls to shoot out of a replica cannon" led to a Hog Jaw Civil War Reenactor's castration, Monday, during the 150th Anniversary Celebration of the Civil War in Arkansas.

General Jubal Early, famous for his last ditch attack upon Washington, DC, during The Late Unpleasantness, in 1865, told ABSNN, "This should never have happened. We teach artillerists to recognise cannon balls from testicles, on the very first day of battery classes."

Generally, General Early had the best artillerists in the late Army of Northern Virginia, and remains dead in a Virginia cemetery. But not this time.

Hog Jaw surrendered to Union Sgt Major, Virgil Sherman, who captured the town when he turned right, intead of left, while riding a blind mule through Arkansas in 1863. For some unknown reason, Hog Jaw cellebrates that day, each year.

Castrated in the cannonade was Jim E. Crackcorn who remains balless, and apparently clueless, in the Hog Jaw Animal Hospital's Spay and Nueter Clinic.

"Did antbody find my balls yet," he asked from his kennel. Told "No," by Hog Jaw veteranarian, Roo Pawl, the only transvestite veteranarian in Hog Jaw, Crackcorn shouted, "Well git out thar and look you horse doctor; I have a hot date with Liqorballs Satisday nite. I'll need em!"

"Jim, your balls were atomized when they were shot out of that damned cannon," Shirley Uwillcum, Pawl's nurse-receptionist-protsitute, told Crackcorn.

"Atomized, hell that's great, Shirley. Liquorballs always liked them Simonized too! Now git out thar and find my bals," ordered Crackcorn.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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