Democrat Strategists - "Too Many Weirdos Opposing Our Candidates"

Funny story written by Zabdgrov667

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

image for Democrat Strategists - "Too Many Weirdos Opposing Our Candidates"
Democrat message to voters - "you're stupid, and jealous of our infinite coolness and intelligence."

WASHINGTON, DC - Democrats are concerned about losing November elections to "a bunch of Weirdos." Edmund Grayson III commented that Americans are actively resisting government practices that are "good and normal." Grayson, a Harvard graduate, explained how government at its best does not read bills before voting on them, does not balance budget spending according to revenue, and does not waste time looking for unimportant things like federal waste and fraud.

Tax-paying voters are increasingly resentful toward a political class that disregards law and decency with reckless arrogance. Tax-cheats falsely declare fabricated deductions, fail to declare income from off-shore sources, and hide kick-backs from "junkets" sponsored by special interests such as Unions, Wall Street, and "non-profit" political activism groups.

Senator Harry Reid defended the behavior in DC politics, saying "if the IRS tells you they found $40,000 of fraud in your tax records, and you don't know someone who can make criminal charges disappear with a favor here or there, then you don't belong in Washington." He continued, "what we need is a way keep the Read-the-Bill freaks and Reduce-National-Debt nut-jobs from taking away seats in Congress from the Liberals, Progressives, and Marxists that deserve them."

Falling poll numbers, and divisive criticism from Democrats in Congress, appear to be generating conflicts in the White House. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs delivered a few barbs to the "Professional Left" with a suggestion of giving them "drug tests." Economic advisor Christina Romer submitted her resignation, which many believe came as a result of attempting "economic policy" instead of following the White House "Blame Bush" strategy for recovery. Budget Director Peter Orszag got canned after telling Congress "I'm not your gimp, so don't think I'll just make up sh_t so you can spend like drunken sailors." Meanwhile, Rahm Emanuel has put a sign on his door: "FREE ASS-KICKINGS INSIDE ... (for Free Lollipops and Unicorns, Go See Speaker of the House)." There are rumors that Rahm has "gotten mellow" and is smoking marijuana in his office instead of referring to all Democrats as "Retards."

Sociologist Sherri Holmes sees the Democrats of Washington DC as nearly cult-like. "It's like they're brain-washed," she observed, adding "how could any rational person believe that the best way to get out of debt is to keep spending more because it saves you money?"

No matter how much the people say "don't do that," elected officials simply do the exact opposite, often repeating failure, after failure, after horrifically wasteful over-priced failure. Holmes described the politicians' level of detachment from reality as roughly equivalent to "a crystal-meth user taking large doses of LSD."

For people outside of Washington DC, being labelled as "Weirdos" has not improved the popularity of the US Congress. After Rand Paul won the GOP Primary in Kentucky, a DC newspaper declared that "only crazy people would vote for an Opthamologist ... it's fringe belief that can't even get the respect Satanists and Nazis do." In response, the American Medical Academy for Eye Care informed the editor that "Opthamologists" provide vision health care for conditions such as Glaucoma, which is neither religious, nor political.

In the effort to understand the US Congress, Conspiracy Theory expert "Chuck" was consulted for an explanation for why the political class in DC is ruling AGAINST the will of the people, contradicting almost everything voters generally seek in a Democratic political system:

"One explanation may be a CIA Mind-Control Experiment gone horribly wrong. Although most people innately resist mind-control as a result of cognitive dissonance, the excessive narcissism in US politicians means they only listen to themselves, regardless of how much external control messages are attempted."

"In simple terms, it's possible that Democrats have brainwashed themselves into believing they've done a fantastic job, that they're so brilliant no one can comprehend their greatness, that everyone is insanely jealous of their attractiveness and popularity, and that they're the definition of normal and sane, except for being infinitely better than everyone else."

We asked Chuck for another possible scenario using publicly known information; his response:

Scenario #2 - Pathological, Lying Marxist Puppets in Congress, Funded by Anti-American Billionaires

  • Politicians can be "bought" with campaign contributions.
  • Newspapers and media institutions can be bought.
  • Politicians and media institutions can join together to establish propaganda.
  • Propaganda can mask oppression and present it as "benevolent leadership."

The US Congress doesn't fit typical Conspiracy Theory. Chuck commented that nearly all of their lies, schemes, shady deals, unsavory connections, and cynical machinations are "in-your-face with enough evidence to fill the Grand Canyon." Examples include the White House getting its Czars from George Soros' billion-dollar, seditious Center for American Progress, a large number of pay-to-play Chicago insiders quoting Chairman Mao after moving to DC, and massive government payoffs to union buddies that like Communist slogans.

In spite of everything, Democrats boldly expect to prevail in every election. When confronted with the fact that Congress has the lowest confidence rating ever (11%), David Axelrod insisted the Tea Party "fad" would be irrelevant by November. "It's simple" he said, "they'll eat their own eventually, and when they do, the only people left voting will be Democrats."

Axelrod was reminded that Tea Party members might not be divided in a way allowing a Democrat victory with less than half of the popular vote. He clarified his point, "you misunderstood about them eating their own ... a lot of Tea Party members are cannibals with strong tendencies to use human sacrifice to further their anti-humanity political agenda." He was immediately applauded by many in the Marxist and Left-leaning US media.

Nonetheless, politicians of the Democrat party are expected to remain quite unpopular among Americans far beyond November.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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