Paris Hilton Angered At Media Blackout
Paris Hilton is angry about her recent media blackout. Since shortly after her release from prison, several international news agencies have refused to carry stories about the socialite for at least one month.
Read full storyGovernment safety warning about tombstoning and other activities
Following the hideous accident that happened recently to a man who engaged in the so-called sport of "tombstoning" (jumping off a pier with a gravestone with their name inscribed on it), the Government has passed sa...
Read full storyHarry Potter was originally porn fiction
J.K. Rowling has admitted that the Harry Potter books were originally meant to be porno books for adults.
Read full storyMadge Puts Her Minge on eBay
LONDON (Defecated News) - Pop Queen Madonna sent out a press release this morning in which she confirmed she has put her pubic hair up for auction. The move came after weeks of gossip that Madonna had to do something to get some pres...
Read full storyExplosive Gases Used To Combat Smokers
The government has announced new legislation to combat people ignoring the ban on smoking in public places.
Read full storyWasps are just spiteful bastards
Scientists in Montana have proved beyond all doubt that Wasps are just mean. The little sods who spoil picnics, sting for no reason, and who have no apparent reason to exist have been the bane of many people's live.
Read full storyRove 'a Witness to Hystery': Bush
Washington DC - (Ass Mess): George W Bush has praised Karl Rove's 'tremendous sacrifice' to leave Capitol Hill in the wake of the Scooter Libby perjury pardon fiasco and has said he was a 'witness to hystery'.
Read full storyScientists Uncover New Evidence on Shroud of Turin
(Vatican News Service) Scientists and archaeologists permitted to study the ancient mystery known as The Shroud of Turin have uncovered new evidence. Those researchers, however, have refused to fully reveal their findings until they are placed under...
Read full storyOhio to Offer Free Health Insurance to Residents
Columbus (AP) The Ohio State legislature today passed a bill that will give free health insurance to all Ohio residents in 2008. Funding will come from a special 2.5% tax imposed on families with income above $250,000.
Read full storyKarl Rove to Resign At End of August
Karl Rove, presidential advisor to George W. Bush and long called "The Brain", will resign at the end of the month. This will leave a void in that sinking ship known as The White House with almost 1 1/2 years left in Bush's term and no puppet master...
Read full storyObama Makes Another Speech Blunder That Echoes Party's Current Woes
Two weeks ago, he wanted to sit down for tea with his country's enemies. Last week, he was willing to go in and bomb their friends and allies. In his latest example of foot in mouth disease, Illinois freshman Senator and Democratic Presidential...
Read full storyImus in the frame as Karl Rove bombs
Washington DC - (Ass Mess): Former radio shock-jock Don 'Nappy-Headed Ho' Imus is in the frame to replace Karl Rove as the Bush Administration's top strategist.
Read full storyStargazers On The Lookout For Goulden Shower
Stargazers all over the world were out in force last night to witness a shower of meteorites that passed close enough to the Earth's atmosphere to be viewed with the naked eye.
Read full storyKarl Rove Joins Hare Krishna Movement
Atlanta, Georgia (IP) - Karl Rove announced today that he is leaving his job as Bush's advisor and has decided to join a Mexican Hare Krishna group. He says he has done enough damage and now wants to make amends.
Read full storyFat Man Crosses Road
There was so little news to report over the weekend, that many news stations were forced to report the story of a fat man who simply crossed the road in New Jersey.
Read full storyHilton to star in Sequel
Sources can now reveal that heiress Paris Hilton has won a new movie role. Hilton will play a teacher in the sequel to Bratz: The Movie. The sequel, called Bratz: School For Slutz, will be released in 2008.
Read full storyMeteors Fell By the Bucket Loads
Mount Palomar, California (IP) - Meteors fell by the bucket load last night and delighted the astronomers on this astronomical campus as well as members of the lay public. Unfortunately the meteors fell only on the Mount Palomar campus.
Read full storyAl Gore Will Run For President in 2008
Mephistopheles, Tennessee (IP) - Al Gore finally announced today that he will be running for President in 2008. He promises to end the war in Iraq in an honorable way and will make America the green envy of the world.
Read full storyGiada Stars in Italian Reggae Show: Pasta Man Vibration
Milano, Italy (IP) - While travelling through Italy our entertainment reporter stumbled upon an exciting new show featuring Giada De Laurentiis in an Italian Reggae extravaganza named "Pasta Man Vibration". The show has a little something...
Read full storyAl Gore to Run For President
New York, New York (IP) - Al Gore has finally announced that he will run for president. He is being hired by President Bush to run errands.
Read full storyRove Leaves White House
Washington (IP) - Karl Rove called our Washington reporter last night and confided in her that he was leaving the White House due to the President's pending impeachment. He said he was getting out while the getting was good.
Read full storyBrad Pitt tames Angelina's libido
Brad Pitt has tamed Angelina's antics and has calmed her wild ways. How, we all want to know. The secret is finally out. Brad Pitt allows Angelina Jolie to wear the pants in their relationship and around the house. She has apparently moved all...
Read full storyManchester United Sign Foetus
Manchester United yesterday signed an unborn baby on a thirty-year contract worth £80,000 a week.
Read full storyAngelina is Looking at the Ladies
According to reliable sources, Angelina Jolie may be getting a little tired of Brad's boys nights out and his bike escapades. She is getting fed up with his lack of patience and understanding.
Read full storyNASCAR to Develop Sitcom? Oh Boy!
Item: NASCAR officials are working with Fox to develop a prime-time comedy show.
Read full storyAngelina Buying her own House
When Angelina found out about Brad's new pad, she was rather miffed to say the least. Simply because she was the last to know, so she did what any woman would do in her shoes, GO SHOPPING!...
Read full storyFat Guy Spotted Pulling Green Plaid Suitcase
NEW YORK (Heewack News Network) -- A fat middle-aged man was spotted on a busy street here toting a green plaid suitcase.
Read full storyHair Dryers Can Kill
Croydon, Saaf London (Defecated News) - In a recent independent study, a scientist has hypothesized that in theory, hair dryers can kill you, and me - possibly.
Read full storyBush Curses The Faroes
PRESIDENT Bush last night stunned White House advisers by adding the tiny Faroe Islands to his 'Axis of Evil'.
Read full storyMonkeys Chart success predicted
Monkeys are widely predicted to take over the world. We asked Pam Ayres for her opinion on the latest world music news.
Read full storyTommy Thompson Withdraws from Presidential Race
Presidential candidate Tommy Thompson announced last night that he is withdrawing from the race, after a poor showing in Iowa. The former Wisconsin governor and Bush cabinet member cited his embarrassing sixth place finish behind Ron...
Read full storyInvisible Man admits he is a raving attention seeker
Fictional character The Invisible Man said that he cannot get enough of the attention that he is paid on a regular basis. Speaking on Richard and Judy's show last week, the famously invisible celebrity says that people are often shocked and surprised when they see him.
Read full storyHunter S. Thompson's restaurant review
It was sometime before 8 PM when I entered the swanky new French restaurant, Le Rongeur Precieux, with my buxom escort, Lola, and a satchel full of emergency supplies. As the maitre d came to welcome us, I put him in a hammerlock.
Read full storyModern Comedy Classics: OU Adapts Timeless Routines for the 21st Century!
"Who's On First"...
Read full storyRon Paul: Victory in Iowa Straw Poll
Congressman Ron Paul declared victory tonight after his 5th place finish in the straw poll at Ames, Iowa. While the candidate finished behind Mitt Romney and four others, three of the top four are not serious candidates, and Romney s...
Read full storyNo News - Everybody Bored
LONDON - WASHINGTON - PARIS - WELL, EVERYWHERE - In a dramatic u-turn of world history, the Beeb has recently made a statement - in cooperation with CNN, ITV, FORBES and all other news desks - that 'Nothing is Happening'. Tha...
Read full storyMan Executed - He Made 'Boobies' Out Of Sand
SAUDI ARABIA (Defecated News) - A British man was executed last night after a failed last minute bid by diplomats and ministers to have him set free. Tony Hart (18) of Birmingham was arrested last week after Saudi police responded to...
Read full storyGordon Brown - 'Beard Tax On The Way'
WESTMINININSTER (Defecated News) - With recent polls indicating a clear win for Labour at a October general election, Gordon Brown yesterday introduced changes in tax law that could boost his popularity even more.
Read full storyManchester United Try To Sign New Improved 4-Year-Old Beckham
After a report on The Spoof over the weekend that David Beckham has, through jet lag, been regressed to the state of a 4-year-old, it has now emerged that Manchester United have approached LA...
Read full storyStepped Up Security at Border Impedes (but does not stop) Illegal Immigration
Deep in the Heart of Texas (Lone Star Press) - Heightened security efforts along the US/Mexico border by drone surveillance aircraft and National Guard troops (who are somewhat akin to the British Territorial Army) have caused illegal immigrants to r...
Read full storyPolitician admits to profiting from pain and suffering
Warren Redlich, a 37 year old personal injury attorney, has announced his candidacy for the board of the virtually unknown town of Guilderland, NY.
Read full storyBiotech International Offers Worlds Most Economical Pacemaker
Biotech International shocked the medical community by introducing the world's most economical heart regulating pacemaker today. Although a bit cumbersome by today's standards the astounding cost savings more than make up for the slight incon...
Read full storyMedia Harping Breeds New Species of Single-Issue Voter
For some it's abortion. For others, gun control, the death penalty, the war in Iraq. For Washington state retiree Wade Holbrook, though, it's, well, haircut prices.
Read full storyLunkhead Ponders First Tattoo
Joel Bracket, a stiflingly unintelligent Tight End on the Jesse Helms High School (Weevil, Ga.) football team announced yesterday to a locker room of bemused team-mates that he intended on getting his first tattoo next month.
Read full storyDr. John Mails in Another Performance of Right Place/Wrong Time
Dr. John, New Orleans' most recognizable purveyor of palatable, watered-down jazz/funk/soul delivered what must have been his millionth rendition of Right Place/Wrong Time at some club somewhere last night.
Read full storyOJ Simpson to Pen New Book
OJ Simpson announced today his latest venture in the literary world. His sophomore effort, If Someone Else Did It, takes the infamous murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman into uncharted waters.
Read full storyTed Kennedy: Immigratin' La Vida Loca
It's ironic that Ted Kennedy has Fox News to credit for his latest career move.
Read full storyGay Porn Producer Struggles to Name Sicko-Inspired Parody
Lance Turkwood, President and CEO of the Society of Homosexual Revelry In Motion Pictures (SHRIMP) is trying to determine the best title for his next film, a 60 minute, direct-to-DVD gay pornographic feature inspired by Michael Moore's health-car...
Read full storySpecial Olympics Logo Kicks Regular Olympics Logo's Ass
The recently unveiled 2012 London Olympics logo was put to the test Monday in a head-to-head competition with less ambitious but elegantly understated Special Olympics logo.
Read full storyBull Will Avenge Father's Death in San Fermín Festival
Every year, the San Fermín Festival in Pamplona, Spain brings hundreds of drunken Spaniards pressing their luck against angry bulls. The event involves hundreds of lunatics trying to outrun pissed-off bulls down a half mile stretch of cobbled street...
Read full storyMaryland Man Sues Makers of Penis Enlargement Pill
A Maryland man has filed a lawsuit against San Fernando Valley-based Pullulatez LLC, makers of the popular penis enlargement pill Extreme Elephantine. The suit states that Pullulatez claimed in "extremely convincing advertisements that their pil...
Read full storyAngry C-Listers Take a Stand
Inspired by the open letter to Hollywood Rob Schneider paid for in an issue of Variety, in which he vowed to never work with Mel Gibson because of Gibson's alleged anti-Semitic drunken rant, many not-so-prominent celebrities are telling movie ind...
Read full storyHarold Bloom Melts Down in Front of Bewildered Harry Potter Crowd
According to witnesses, prominent literary and cultural critic Harold Bloom "snapped like a dry branch," in front of a New York bookstore, where legions of Harry Potter fans have been queueing up to purchase the latest Potter novel, Harry P...
Read full storyKeith Jackson's Phone Sex Tapes Hit Internet
It may not have the visual sexuality of the Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee sex tape, but a collection of long-time college football broadcaster Keith Jackson's answering machine messages to his wife, Turi Ann, has been making the rounds on various we...
Read full storyFrom Today's Business Section
Yesterday's welcoming meeting for a new member of the sales team at Peachbutt, Inc. was cancelled after four minutes due to poor staff behavior.
Read full storyPacman Jones Hits New Low
The news sent shockwaves through the NFL community and its fans.
Read full storyLatest Social Network, Faux Cooze, Launches With Unprecedented Candor
Gil Saperstein, a Brown University sophomore double majoring in international finance and art history, is rocking the online world with the launch of FauxCooze, a new social network that strips pretense from its member profiles and resulting interact...
Read full storyCricket Drummer Eying Reunion with Buddy Holly
Former Cricket drummer and Matlock enthusiast Jerry Allison is ready to tour again with his former band-mate, Buddy Holly. Allison, a resident at Mendacity Springs Assisted Living in Lubbock, TX, has been busy firing up fellow residents in between ar...
Read full storyNASA Recalls 147 Satellites
Houston, Texas (IP) - NASA has recalled 147 satellites because of faulty kanooter valves. The Space Agency announced the shocking news at a press conference that was originally intended to focus attention on their successful teacher in space program...
Read full storyCosta Rica To Confiscate Private Land
San Carlos de su Madre, Costa Rica (IP) - The government of Costa Rica has informed U.S. citizens that the land they own in Costa Rica will become government property as of September 1. 2007. The reason given is that they are strapped for money becau...
Read full storyLottery Won by Five Southern Governors
Atlanta, Georgia (IP) - The Atlanta Post & Times is reporting that the governors of five different southern states have all won the lottery in their respective states this year. The list of states includes Florida, Georgia, Tennessee, North Carolina,...
Read full storyArchaeologists Discover Scrolls With Jesus Full Name
Archaeologists digging near ancient Nazareth in Israel have uncovered scrolls that appear to be public records of the town. In them are Roman census data dating from about 20 A.D. that appear to include the names of the family of Jesus Christ.
Read full storySecond Warren Commission Finds No Shooter Evidence at Grassy Knoll
When the original commission probed the JFK assassination in 1963, it was named for then Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, Earl Warren. This group found that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone in the murder of the president, created the magic bullet th...
Read full storyDublin Bollywood 'Oscars" in doubt as Hindu's are banned from city centre.
Indian diplomats in Dublin reacted furiously today after Dublin City Councillor Ciaron Kennedy apparently announced on RTE Television that Hindu's are to be banned from Dublin city centre citing excessive drunkenness and foul and abusive language...
Read full storyRooney to be 'Humanely Destroyed'
LONDON (Heewack News Network) -- Doctors said they are unable to save the foot of Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney, who was injured in last week's 0-0 draw with Reading. Team officials said Rooney may have to be "put down" this we...
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