Archaeologists Discover Scrolls With Jesus Full Name

Funny story written by Jalapenoman

Monday, 13 August 2007

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New evidence exists of the life of Jesus of Nazareth

Archaeologists digging near ancient Nazareth in Israel have uncovered scrolls that appear to be public records of the town. In them are Roman census data dating from about 20 A.D. that appear to include the names of the family of Jesus Christ.

Listed under the family belonging to Joseph ben Jacob (Joseph, son of Jacob) and Mary are several children, including Jesus H., James, Joses, Simon, Judas, Deborah, Ruth, and Sarah. The names of the sons match those as quoted in Matthew 13: 55-56 and Mark 6:3. Names of the daughters/sisters of Jesus were unknown until now (if the records are authentic). As children's birth years are listed, it shows clearly that Jesus was the eldest son.

This finding bears out evidence of the scriptures that Mary did not remain a Virgin all of her life (Matthew 1: 25) and that she did bear other children. The Vatican has long held that Mary was the Holy Mother all of her life and never had sexual relations or other children.

Records from the Torah school from ten years earlier show that a Jesus Hosanna Ben Joseph (translates as Jesus Hosanna son of Joseph) was a student and excelled in his studies. This fragmented record also clearly shows the long doubted middle name, telling scholars what the "H" stood for in Jesus H. Christ.

Another record from that school shows that a wild, unkempt child visited the school with Jesus one day. The boy, identified as a cousin John ben Zacharias, was improperly dressed and did not bring proper food for his noon meal. He was dismissed and returned to the desert and is not mentioned in the school records again.

This evidence answers another of the famous biblical questions as to whether or not Jesus knew John the Baptist before his baptism (one biblical record says yes while the other says not).

Records found at a probable governmental center show that Romans hired Joseph ben Jacob and Sons, Carpenters, to build chairs, tables, shelving units, and desks for the offices. While no remnants of that furniture exists, commentary on the records by Centurian Sextus Flavius shows that "Joseph was a typical Galilean and tried to Jew us up on the price."

Other records remain to be translated. The Vatican has declined comment on the discoveries until there is a mysterious death of the all the archaeologists and translators and the Catholic Church finds a way to continue to justify their doctrine.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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