Second Warren Commission Finds No Shooter Evidence at Grassy Knoll

Funny story written by Jalapenoman

Monday, 13 August 2007

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Another probe into White House assasination attempts is released

When the original commission probed the JFK assassination in 1963, it was named for then Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, Earl Warren. This group found that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone in the murder of the president, created the magic bullet theory, claimed that the only three shots fired all came from Oswald's gun, and defied science and ballistics in their findings.

Eighteen years later, a new Warren Commission, this time named for former Supreme Court Cheif Justice Warren Burger, studied the assassination attempt on President Ronald Reagan by John Hinckley, Jr.. This shooting took place in Washington, D.C. in late March of 1981. Twenty five years after closing their case in the investigation, records of this commission are being made public.

Once again, a Federal Government commission finds that no one fired from a grassy knoll. They also found that Hinckley acted alone. This time, however, there are no magic bullets.

Other findings of this commission were that all reporters at the hospital press conference (immediately after the shooting) who asked the same three questions repeatedly for five long, boring, televised hours without break were idiots and morons.

They also found that the reporter who shot footage of the shooting was standing in the wrong spot and should have been six feet to the left and three feet higher to get a better angle, and then he might have gotten an Emmy for his work.

The third, and major, finding of the commission is that pizza delivered to the meetings by the local Dominoes should have had more sauce and been cooked slightly longer.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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