Warren Redlich, a 37 year old personal injury attorney, has announced his candidacy for the board of the virtually unknown town of Guilderland, NY.
Guilderland's 125 residents expressed dismay at Redlich's candidacy. "He makes money every time one of us gets injured or killed", said 73-year-old town elder Jacob Morley. "Last year my wife got run over by a tractor. He made $175,000 and I walked away with 37 cents. It just ain't right!"
Redlich argued that he personally paid for Morley's wife's funeral and the rental of the Guilderland Downstairs Pub for barbecue and soft drinks afterward. "That funeral came to almost $300 and I paid for it out of my own pocket", Redlich declared. "This proves that I truly care about the people of this community".
In addition, Redlich's former long time secret homosexual lover, best friend and political colleague Mike Ricard has sued Redlich claiming that Redlich is a closeted Democrat/Libertarian who has sexual fantasies about Ron Paul.
"That's ridiculous!" Redlich cried. "My fantasies about Ron Paul are strictly platonic. I fantasize about going to a bar with him, having a couple of beers and maybe play a game of chess. That's all!"
"Not to mention", Redlich continued, "that Ricard eats crackers in bed".
After many years of extreme boredom this promises to be Guilderland's most exciting election yet.
