Latest Social Network, Faux Cooze, Launches With Unprecedented Candor

Written by Dignan

Monday, 13 August 2007

Gil Saperstein, a Brown University sophomore double majoring in international finance and art history, is rocking the online world with the launch of FauxCooze, a new social network that strips pretense from its member profiles and resulting interactions.

Saperstein, who built the network over the summer (rather than kowtow to his parent's high-pressure demands that he subject himself to a high-pressure internship at a prominent investment firm) is already courting offers from major players like Yahoo! and Google. Rupert Murdoch himself has been stalking the young e-trepreneur, both in person, and through consistent "pokes" from his own FauxCooze profile.

"FauxCooze takes online wanking to the most efficient level possible," explained Saperstien, who met us at a nondescript Connecticut diner for grilled Velveeta sandwiches and coffee. "Every pasty, pale-skinned misanthrope who dreams of interacting with beautiful, playfully aggressive, sexually uninhibited females finds a home on FauxCooze - because every member is simultaneously pretending to be a beautiful, playfully aggressive, sexually uninhibited female."

The wrinkle Saperstein invented was what he calls Fema-Profile Reconfiguration. When a male enters his information, that profile is preserved using those genuine credentials and information. Simultaneously, however, a duplicate profile is created by FauxCooze servers, except the information is revised based on idealized female characteristics.

"A Bill becomes a Billie, a Steven becomes Stephanie, Taylor becomes Tyler, etc." The transmogrification means that every member both participates and generates a receptive entity, so FauxCooze members are guaranteed to enjoy the delusion that they are interacting with a female in that flirtatious, alluring way - not so crass and immediate as a cyber-chat. Let's be blunt. Pornography is a hit-and-run solution for the socially inept. This gives them the sensation of engaging in actual relationships - then they can whack off."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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