NEW YORK (Heewack News Network) -- A fat middle-aged man was spotted on a busy street here toting a green plaid suitcase.
In a remarkable photo, HNN snapped a picture of the unidentified man as he traipsed through the Upper East Side here, raising fears of a terrorist attack.
Homeland Security officials were notified, but were unable to find the man, who disappeared shortly after the photo was taken. DHS later raised the nation's security alert to "Orange." Told that it was already at orange, they then raised the level to "burnt orange."
"We don't want to go to 'Red,' said Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff. "We've found that when we raise it to 'Red,' President Bush's approval ratings go into the tank."
Told that Bush's approval ratings were already in the tank, Chertoff angrily ordered all the reporters in the room detained on unspecified charges.
Meanwhile, experts debated the origins of the fat man. Several suggested that the man might be of Scottish origin, as the suitcase resembled the Campbell clan tartan. However, a spokesman for the Campbells noted that a true Campbell tartan has more black in it than this particular bag.
"It's almost certainly a Campbell knock-off," said Trevor Campbell. "The market's been flooded lately with faux-Campbell items, mostly from China."