Written by P.M. Wortham

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

image for Harry Bawlz, Hugh Jarection and Haywood Jablome Open Legal Name Change Centers Across America
Legal name changes valid in any courst of law. Just ask former judge, Gay Holhurtz.

Three ambitious entrepreneurs with poorly thought out names have joined forces to open a nationwide series of legal centers that target those poor souls with undeserved first or last names. Lawyers Harold Bawlz, Hugh Jarection and Haywood Jablome will open the first of three name change centers in California, Texas and New York with plans to expand to 30 centers by 2011.

Called the "Legal Name Change Centers of America", television advertising has already begun on select cable channels, featuring Mr. Bawlz with his own sad story and ending with the empathetic slogan, "We Feel Your Pain".

"I mean, why not give me a first name of Bowling, or Tennis or Base if you want to have some fun with your first born, but Harry? My parents must have been stoned", says Bawlz. Haywood Jablome had a similar story. "Call me Tommy or Fred and the problem is mostly solved, I could have just told people that the "e" in my last name was silent, but NO. I still hate my father, the bastard". Hugh Jarection seems to be looking towards the future instead of the past. "We know there are millions out there, with stupid ass parents. These poor people with double meanings in their names are the ones who really need our help. We will provide a cheap and much needed, valuable service", says Jarection.

With customers lined up at all three centers, business appears to be good. Reporters at the Texas office had trouble filing their report after being accosted at the site. Observers saw one news team ask people their names and then respond by bursting out in laughter. One man who was later identified as Mike Hunt, retaliated violently. "You try living with that name, you dick!" Hunt screamed.

Names already filed for change include Dick Hurtz, Anita Haanjob, Ivanna Phuque, Yusan Ovabiczh, Eaton Bush, Buster Hymens, Steff Infection, Rubin DiBone, Kerry Mysak, Peter Forinch, Peter Kumzinya, Rolland Daheigh, Welland Owd, Ken Yadoomi, Harry Peters, Frank Enbeans, Stubby Bonerz, Terry Nuwhole, Connie Lingus, Orel Plezire, Fella Sheeough, and Richard (Dick) Likker.

Basic services will run $249 to file all appropriate paperwork with state and federal authorities. For an extra $300, the center will remove all parents' names as beneficiaries from all retirement and insurance policies.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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